My MM left his W 3 months ago, the first 2 months he stayed at a hotel then he moved in with me. So we’ve been living together for a month. I love being with him, but it hasn’t all been rosy. One of the major problems is the fact that his wife won’t let go. You’d think that after 3 months she’d be accepting that he’s not coming back, not the case. She is CONSTANTLY calling him and text messaging him to go back to her. Yesterday she even went so far as to come up to his job and threaten to make a big seen if he didn’t come outside and talk to her. All she did for the whole hour they talked was beg him to go back and when he said no, ask him why over and over again. She’s just not getting it at all; she’s obsessed.
She also keeps asking him where he lives; he refuses to tell her because he knows she’d be over at my home all the time causing trouble and wanting to fight. The other day when he left her house after visiting his kids she tried following him home. Now she’s stating that she’s going to hire a PI to follow him and find out where he lives. I can’t help but wonder why is she so desperate to find out where we live? Is she planning something? Is she capable of burning the house down? I even asked him that and he said “To be honest I don’t know”. What the #$@%! It’s so frustrating for me because I have to pretend to be understanding about the whole thing.
To make matters even more complicated they have 3 kids together, one of whom is just 2 years old. So they have to be in constant contact, it’s not like he can tell her to just go to “you know where” because he wants to be apart of his kids’ lives. And she uses the kids as an excuse to call him all the time and to make him feel guilty about leaving. I know the only reason he’d ever go back to her is just for his kids. He really wants joint custody. But she has said no way will her kids ever be around him and another woman. The fact that he can’t be with his kids the way he wants to is really hurting him, although I know how much he loves me. I wonder if he’ll eventually break down and go back just to be with his kids…
This woman has told him that she’ll contest any attempt at a divorce, that he’ll “never” get rid of her. So now with our state laws the only thing for him to do is be separated from her for two years then file a no contest divorce. Two years is a long time... How long will it take for her to stop and accept his decision to leave her?
she may never.
Thats sad that she feel so bad, it is.
She need sto move on!
As far as will he go back??!!
Mine did! He left several times & W did the same thing, she would follow us ALWAYS having pics of the kids in hand to throw in his face, she would call putting the kids on the phone (13yrs & 5) crying saying how they missed him. TRUTH was she was making them upset, what child wouldnt cry when they seen their mother flipping out like that.
My MM did go home, longest time we "lived-together" was around 3 months, he says to this day that he wishes he would have just stayed strong- thats hard to do. He still love his C.
Best thing is to just be understanding, sounds like you are.
Ignore her attempts!!!!
Dont play into them!
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!
That's a tough situation to be in and I feel for you. You finally get your MM and the wife won't leave him alone!! Sounds like she has lots and lots of anger with him. She's not happy and she doesn't want him to be happy either.
The best thing to do is take it day by day and don't do anything rash towards her. He has the kids to consider and since she doesn't want him to get joint custody of them, she holds the keys to them. And I'm sure they are very important to him so be careful of this line you're walking.
I always believe to take the high ground on things. Don't get into any fights with her and don't start anything. Maybe in time, she will get tired of being in this permanent state of anger.
I know it's hard to be understanding of the situation, but what choice do you have? Kids are involved with her...and that means she will be involved with your MM. Talk to you MM at all times and let him know what you're thinking so he doesn't have to play any "games" with you (like she's playing with him). If he's really worth it, you two will survive. Good luck and keep posting!
It’s so frustrating for me because I have to pretend to be understanding about the whole thing.
Shoot you ought to be in her shoes.. Her HUSBAND lives with you..
They are still married.. What is there to understand ? That her kids father and her husband live with you .. they are not divorced..
What you might have happen is that he would go back to her.. Remember he will lie to you about her..
It is her right to have a contested divorce.. Just because you stole her man doesn't mean that she isn't due some of his assets as well as a nice chunk of child support..
She is acting out.. Time will tell if she lets him go.. in the scehme of things 3 months is like a day..
Try and put yourself in her shoes.. of course if you were able to do that you would've stepped away a long time ago
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
CW,
After I re-read my post I think I was somewhat too harsh..
Albeit the truth that I spoke It came out all wrong..
You need to give this whole situation more time than 30 days into living together to smooth out.. They will alway's be talking about the kids and bills and such until they get a divorce and even then they will still talk about the kids..
She said she is "pretending" in this relationship. She is already hiding her feelings and they have lived together less than a month. She wants the wife to let go after 3 months! It's absurd. There is a family here not just a GUY she wants to shack up with!! Those kids will always be a part of the picture so will the wife. Getting involved with a MM isn't going to make anyones life great!
Wow, a wife who is trying to win back her husband...I don't see anything wrong with that.
Hey, this woman, his wife, or maybe ex wife, will ALWAYS be part of your life...FOREVER as long as you're with him. Get used to it. Those are HER children. She may not want you around their kids. Put yourself in her shoes!
Have some sympathy for her!
If you want to make it easier, make peace with his wife. Try to be nice but not in her face nice. She doesn't like you and why should she? I'm sure she feels if he gets custody or even 50-50 custody she will have THEIR kids living with you. I'm not a parent, but I could imagine the pain of that involved. It's one thing to lose your husband, but possibly having to share kids with OW has to be very very painful on her.
Plus, you don't know if he will do a 180 and go back to her. Maybe maybe maybe. Your life is a rollercoaster ride, get used to it.
Sorry to sound harsh but you seem so wrapped up that the wife is SCREWING YOU over, you've forgotten about little 3 pairs of eyes! OOPS I guess children can't miss their daddy with having their mom push them to tears. So, you're saying that if she hadn't done that then the kids would be fine and dandy? Not really miss him, cry for him, miss their family together? OH, yes, a child's dream is to be bounced back and forth and be happy about it.
Wow, a wife who is trying to win back her husband...I don't see anything wrong with that.
Hey, this woman, his wife, or maybe ex wife, will ALWAYS be part of your life...FOREVER as long as you're with him. Get used to it. Those are HER children. She may not want you around their kids. Put yourself in her shoes!
Have some sympathy for her!
If you want to make it easier, make peace with his wife. Try to be nice but not in her face nice. She doesn't like you and why should she? I'm sure she feels if he gets custody or even 50-50 custody she will have THEIR kids living with you. I'm not a parent, but I could imagine the pain of that involved. It's one thing to lose your husband, but possibly having to share kids with OW has to be very very painful on her.
Plus, you don't know if he will do a 180 and go back to her. Maybe maybe maybe. Your life is a rollercoaster ride, get used to it.
Sorry to sound harsh but you seem so wrapped up that the wife is SCREWING YOU over, you've forgotten about little 3 pairs of eyes! OOPS I guess children can't miss their daddy with having their mom push them to tears. So, you're saying that if she hadn't done that then the kids would be fine and dandy? Not really miss him, cry for him, miss their family together? OH, yes, a child's dream is to be bounced back and forth and be happy about it.
I think this is a bit harsh, esp. since this wife is trying to get her husband back by all means necessary.. a PI? The wife sounds like someone to stay away from, not be nice to. Lest not forget her HUSBAND refuses to come back to her. Why is that? The battle really is between him and his wife and I don't think the OW should get involved with the wife. If she chooses to let the man go or break it off, that's her choice. Also, I have a problem w/ women using their children for sympathy. Putting them on the phone to cry to their father is manipulative. This is how the children get shafted -- when one mate uses them as pawns. What mother would put her child through emotions to get through to their father? The main culprit in all this is the HUSBAND. Until HE decides what to do, the OW and the wife are in limbo. He's the only one the wife should concern herself about...
There seems to be a tad bit of bashing against this OW. She has come here for strategic advice and not a moral shakedown. Every OW "knows" she has a tough time being granted the sympathetic ear. Nonetheless, she has her side to tell and her story to live--we must allow that.
Several posters here immediately side with the wife. We do not know the circumstances of that marriage. We do not know if she has been a poor marriage partner, a shrew, disinterested in her husband, materially obsessed, a drag on his life. I will say that most men who are not flakes flying this way and that after women and have a modicum of reason, are neither rash nor irresponsible in such situations. Most men go through excruciating pain to end a marriage or to physically leave one--a possible first step to divorce. We have to ask what might have gone abysmally wrong in this marriage that such a step was taken.
The outraged pleading, the stalking, the threats, the obsessing for someone back is not love. It is fear, it is a sense of a loss of control over someone, it is dangerous co-dependency. But it is not love. True love would hold back, stomach the loss, but want the other person to be happy--and that could mean that other person's being with someone else.
There are three children. They are young; that is very serious. However, to say that one should remain in a marriage just because there are children is highly debatable. If these children grow up in an atmosphere of hostility, coldness, irritated parents, and an all over "fake" playing-of-house, I cannot imagine that is good for their emotional development either.
As for the problem at hand, this man has--for now, as far as we can see--chosen to be with this OW. He has chosen her. I am assuming much time and trouble went into this consideration and decision. ConfusedWoman(indeed!) has an emotional investment, and she wants to protect that. Whether it is "shacking up", whether it is wise or foolish, whether this is short or long term, she is going with love, and she is going with the big risk involved (that risk, as I see it, the H's concern for the kids). She has a right to fight for that as well.
To Confused Woman--What I would do is not hide, or sit back in fear and anxiety. I would not for a minute let this escalate into some creepy horror flick when you do not know when she will fly off the handle or greet you at the door. Take charge of this nonsense, and show you are not intimidated.
I would absolutely confront the wife, in a public place, or by phone. Let the private detectives sit around and spook about. That is her waste of money, not yours. Be well dressed, be low key, and calmly, in an adult and unexcited tone, tell her, that you will not accept this kind of behavior as a disruption to your life. That if she is upset, angry or vindictive, that is something she must work out with her "husband" or ex husband away from your home, your life, your peace of mind (to the extent you have one at this time). Tell her you understand emotions are raw, that children are involved but that does NOT EXCUSE acting like a lunatic. And if it so must be, you will file for a restraining order.
How your MM responds to this action you take--action that is for YOUR self respect and to protect YOUR love and relation with this man--will say a lot. If he tells you not to, if he protests--that is a red flag. He should support your firmness. His concern for you should come before his sympathies for her.
She is desperate. Do not respond with desperateness. Do not feed this beast.
Last edited by OldEurope; 5th October 2005 at 5:54 AM..
when i read this earlier i was very upset by the replies,i was kind of angry so i didnt post.
But U said pretty much how i felt about the situation plus put everyone in there place
there are some wives who do use the children as manipulation and do actually make the children more upset as a ploy to get at the h. i am sure they dont realise what they are doing is selfish at the time and are acting in desperation too, and it is understandable that she is hurt. still, it is not the ow that caused her that. if the h decided to leave then the marriage was not working for him.
Well it's really a tough situation for her; he left her with 3 kids out of which one is really small. She doesn't even know why and where he is living right now. She has no clue that he's been with another woman and has cheated on her before. So what did you expect?
It would be the best if he told her the truth - that he loves another woman. She might let him go then. Plus it's not fair that she doesn't know where he lives, he is the father of her 3 children, after all.
If she would set the house in fire, she would go to jail. No matter how desperate she is, she is most likely not an idiot. Many women can't let go, but he needs to act like an adult, not hide his life from her and his children.
You will deal with a lot of problems in the future. I hope other women will learn from your example not to fall for married men with children. It would've been different if he divorced her first, everything calmed down and then met another woman - you. But you have to continue to live in a lie, because you started like that.
Don't forget he not only left his wife, but also his 3 children. Was their relationship fantastic 3 years ago when they made the last child? It's not like they were married for 20 years and their kids are teenagers. He was obviously fooling her that he loved her so now she can't understand what's going on. It sounds like their marriage didn't die naturally. He broke it out of the blue. Or did it die when you came in the picture?
Nothing obsessive with the PI idea; she needs answers and she deserves them after giving him 3 kids.
Last edited by RecordProducer; 5th October 2005 at 8:21 AM..
There seems to be a tad bit of bashing against this OW. She has come here for strategic advice and not a moral shakedown. Every OW "knows" she has a tough time being granted the sympathetic ear. Nonetheless, she has her side to tell and her story to live--we must allow that.
Several posters here immediately side with the wife. We do not know the circumstances of that marriage. We do not know if she has been a poor marriage partner, a shrew, disinterested in her husband, materially obsessed, a drag on his life. I will say that most men who are not flakes flying this way and that after women and have a modicum of reason, are neither rash nor irresponsible in such situations. Most men go through excruciating pain to end a marriage or to physically leave one--a possible first step to divorce. We have to ask what might have gone abysmally wrong in this marriage that such a step was taken.
The outraged pleading, the stalking, the threats, the obsessing for someone back is not love. It is fear, it is a sense of a loss of control over someone, it is dangerous co-dependency. But it is not love. True love would hold back, stomach the loss, but want the other person to be happy--and that could mean that other person's being with someone else.
There are three children. They are young; that is very serious. However, to say that one should remain in a marriage just because there are children is highly debatable. If these children grow up in an atmosphere of hostility, coldness, irritated parents, and an all over "fake" playing-of-house, I cannot imagine that is good for their emotional development either.
As for the problem at hand, this man has--for now, as far as we can see--chosen to be with this OW. He has chosen her. I am assuming much time and trouble went into this consideration and decision. ConfusedWoman(indeed!) has an emotional investment, and she wants to protect that. Whether it is "shacking up", whether it is wise or foolish, whether this is short or long term, she is going with love, and she is going with the big risk involved (that risk, as I see it, the H's concern for the kids). She has a right to fight for that as well.
To Confused Woman--What I would do is not hide, or sit back in fear and anxiety. I would not for a minute let this escalate into some creepy horror flick when you do not know when she will fly off the handle or greet you at the door. Take charge of this nonsense, and show you are not intimidated.
I would absolutely confront the wife, in a public place, or by phone. Let the private detectives sit around and spook about. That is her waste of money, not yours. Be well dressed, be low key, and calmly, in an adult and unexcited tone, tell her, that you will not accept this kind of behavior as a disruption to your life. That if she is upset, angry or vindictive, that is something she must work out with her "husband" or ex husband away from your home, your life, your peace of mind (to the extent you have one at this time). Tell her you understand emotions are raw, that children are involved but that does NOT EXCUSE acting like a lunatic. And if it so must be, you will file for a restraining order.
How your MM responds to this action you take--action that is for YOUR self respect and to protect YOUR love and relation with this man--will say a lot. If he tells you not to, if he protests--that is a red flag. He should support your firmness. His concern for you should come before his sympathies for her.
She is desperate. Do not respond with desperateness. Do not feed this beast.
Lets get this straight............the OW is living with this married man that has 3 children who has been out of the home for 3 months. And you think people are being a "Tad" harsh??? And you think this OW should confront the wife????? Ohhhh, yea.........and the kids........they will adjust....sure. Then you assume their must be hostility in household so they would be better off.
And I am not trying to be harsh with you. But it sounds like you have been in the OW's shoes before.
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It’s so frustrating for me because I have to pretend to be understanding about the whole thing. 
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