[hopeless30]

I have an impossible choice , it is making me lose my mind and I am eaten up by guilt , sadness and deep loathing of myself.

Several years ago i split up with my then girlfriend , she was pregnant with our child at the time , our relationship broke down badly and we split up although i continued to visit every day and was there for the birth of our son , i moved back in for a week afterwards but the relationship had gone and i moved out for good. We continued on , i visited every night after work and at times over the weekends and have a very amicable relationship which is good for our son who i love more than anything , but over time i have moved on and now live with someone else , i still go to see my son every other day , but it is hard juggling a relationship and my time with him

I have never forgiven myself for the breakdown of our relationship then and am consumed by guilt over our son an not giving him the family life

Now my ex has told me that she is going to move abroad , taking our son with her and has told me that she wants me to go too.

I sit here every day thinking about it , it rips me apart to think of what i would do to my girlfriend if i left her , she would be devastated, she has no idea that i am considering leaving and i hate myself for doing that too her , but my problem is that I love my son more than life itself and i would love nothing more than to be with him every day and be a proper father to him , i couldn't bear it if i couldn't see him again , but i don't love my ex that way , whereas i do love my girlfriend very much and would be gutted if i had to give her up.

So my impossible choice is leave my girlfriend who i love deeply and try to be a family for my son or stay and lose my son. It doesn't seem like a fair choice, sometimes i feel like giving up altogether

[alphamale]

ask your current g/f to move abroad with you. That way you can have your cake and eat it too

[slubberdegullion]

Any tough decision - well, any decision at all - can be made clearer by viewing the alternatives under the headings of:

1. Respect;
2. Responsibility;
3. Integrity; and,
4. Restraint.

How you apply these to your current situation is, of course, entirely your affair, so I won't bore you by telling you what you should do. But I hope that, given these four words as your guiding ethos, you'll be able to make the right decision for yourself and for those around you.

Good luck. This is a toughie, no question.

[Oddone]

Dude, this is a tough call. The love for your child is compelling for sure. I guess one has to weigh the possibility of moving so far away to be close to your child; however, you need to think clearly and realize that once there, you have to earn a living, find a home etc... Though, as the saying goes, "If there is a will, there is a way". If you have a good job whre you are. Maybe it's best to let your ex go and support the child as best you can from where you are. No sense being with them if you can't help support them.

Your current g/f needs to be brought into the loop as clearly her life will be impacted major. How much do you love her? Can you live w/o her in your life? Would she actually condiser going with you? Crazy? Maybe not. I would put it out there atleast.

Good luck with your decision. Take the time to weigh all the factors and try to think rationally vs. on pure emotion.

[hopeless30]

Thanks for the replies , job's not an issue , i work for myself from home in IT , i can take it anywhere , and my ex wants us to try the family thing so its an all or nothing situation . I know i will be choked to break up with my GF but equally the alternative is pretty unthinkable

[westernxer]

Why is she moving abroad?

[hopeless30]

She has a new job

[westernxer]

You should see how her job pans out before making a decision.

[JaneInVegas]

I am a female, in a somewhat similar situation. I won't bother you with all the details, but my 12 year old daughter worships her dad and has chosen to live with him instead of me.

When I was faced with a similar dilemma as yours, I weighed out many factors, including - what would the home environment be for my daughter if I stayed? Her dad and I fight constantly, and I did not want to put her through that anymore. I knew there was no way her mother and father living together in the same house could provide her with a quality home life. So I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life ... moved out without my daughter.

Can you and your ex live together in peace and make a good stable environment for your child? What if you make a go of it, find that it's a totally intolerable situation, and have to move back out? How would that affect your child? In my opinion, you have to have some confidence in making things work out for the best for the long run.

Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out okay. I'm sorry for your hard situation.

[konfuzd]

I'm not sure how old your son is, if he's the age to understand if you were to explain to him the situation. Break ups are very, very difficult to deal with, and at the time, it seems like your whole world is crashing down, but for the most part, we get over it and move on. Your girlfriend will be devistated, but given time, she will move on and get over it, (or decide you are important enough to move with you). Although hurt, she will understand why you made the choice you did. Your son may never understand why you chose another woman over your own flesh and blood. A feeling of rejection from a SO is far easier to deal with than the rejection from your own parent.

You also have to consider that the stress of being away from your son may create a barrier with your gf, and then what happens?

Sorry you're going thorough such a rough time, I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide.

[hopeless30]

Thanks for the replies , Jane , I get on with my ex fine , i have no idea what it will be like to live with her again , what you say is so right and it really worries me what will happen if we don't get on , but at the same time if i don't try then maybe i will never know . Konfuzd , I am thinking the same way as you , my son is 4 1/2 , i don't think i can cope if he is gone. I hope i can reconcile my thoughts and find some way to accept the decisions i have to make, i just know that i will carry massive guilt for dumping my GF but maybe that's the price i have to pay

[hooghie]

you may want to consider going to court and trying to either stop her from moving, finding a compromise, or try to get custody of your son. I understand that she has a new job and sure, she deserves happiness too, but it shouldn't be completely at your expense and it's just now fair. You may be able to compromise where she can move, but will have to pay for a couple of trips of you going there or your son coming for extended visits.

At any rate, I do NOT recommend moving to another country with someone you do not love. Lots of warning bells are going off....

[westernxer]

I can hear those warning bells, too.

Better consult your attorney before the move takes place.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Originally Posted by westernxer

I can hear those warning bells, too.

Better consult your attorney before the move takes place.

I agree.

I see 3 options:

1) If you are confident you can work from anywhere, take Alphamale's suggestion and try getting your GF to move abroad with you.

2) How far is your ex moving? If it's not that far, you can visit every 2-3 months, perhaps.

3) Consult an attorney. Perhaps you can get your son to live with you for half of the year.

Moving to a foreign country just following your ex, doesn't make sense. You know you won't be able to live together if you don't feel "that way" about her. You'll only be inviting a truckload of trouble in a foreign place.

Wish you the best!!

[pippen_2k]

Probably nothing to do with anything here, but it aint that easy to just pack up and move overseas by choice is it?

Like work visa's dont last that long, and unless your married to a person from that country you cant stay?

I dunno.. that was just my assumption.