She told me she told me she told me. And yet I still did it for years. WTF! was wrong with me. Yea she had an affair, she made a mistake that she knows now was a huge one. But why in the hell would I do that to the woman I love?
I have said I was sorry 1million times but tonight after reading a post on another board where the woman was ready to have an affair becasue of the husbands verbal abuse, she sounded so much like my wife 5 months ago. I just started to cry.
She says she forgives me, the affair is over, but she still wants to go thru with the divorce at least for now. Its not final untill 6 months after the cort date and heck who knows when she will have the 400 dollors to pay to get the cort date.
Im just sick. I hope in that time she can learn to love me again and forgive me. I have forgiven the affair. That was easy for me, for 19 years I never had to worry about her at all. We both made a mess of this and im just sick now.
I love her and miss her, she tells me to give her sometime. I will, I just pray to god she finds the love she had for me.
Location: A small town 40 miles up Danube river from Vienna, Austria
Posts: 4
Hey Falcon. I can completely relate to your problems, man! I can't offer much advice regarding your feeling so terrible because I'm right there with you, man. It just sucks in a major way. I keep telling myself, "this, too, shall pass". But a small voice in they back of my mind is saying, "Yeah, but when!!!" If it helps, I can at least tell you that you ain't alone, friend.
About the verbal abuse - I've been there too. For years. And likewise she told me how much it hurt. I think that's part of why it comes ought. You're hurt and you say something that hurts her back - only worse. What can I say? It could be called childish. If so there are a lot of childish folk in the world. I think it is just a matter of how we deal with our hurt, whether it's ego, pride, self-esteem, whatever. Well, I'm losing my wife behind that and a boatload of other things, but it could be that the verbal abuse is what sank me. I'm usually able to maintain a lot of poise and civility with people in general but for some reason I just unload on my wife every now and then. I don't put a whole lot of faith in the psych community, but I've decided to go to see a professional about anger management. At the very least it'll give me an outside and objective perspective into, perhaps, the causes, the warning signs and how to handle it without being so gatdamn cruel about it. I, too, hope my wife will come back someday and this may improve our odds at reconciling if I can control that verbal abuse. Also, if I find someone new this would hopefully keep me from making the same mistake all over again. My point is, you might want to look into some anger management counseling yourself, Falcon. You don't have to be crazy to seek mental health services.
Hey man, as much as you're hurting just keep in mind that where there's life there's hope. As long as you're here on this earth, you can be happy again at some point in the future. Be happy to be alive - even though right now you feel like you're dyin'! This, too, shall pass.
Hey Falcon. I can completely relate to your problems, man! I can't offer much advice regarding your feeling so terrible because I'm right there with you, man. It just sucks in a major way. I keep telling myself, "this, too, shall pass". But a small voice in they back of my mind is saying, "Yeah, but when!!!" If it helps, I can at least tell you that you ain't alone, friend.
About the verbal abuse - I've been there too. For years. And likewise she told me how much it hurt. I think that's part of why it comes ought. You're hurt and you say something that hurts her back - only worse. What can I say? It could be called childish. If so there are a lot of childish folk in the world. I think it is just a matter of how we deal with our hurt, whether it's ego, pride, self-esteem, whatever. Well, I'm losing my wife behind that and a boatload of other things, but it could be that the verbal abuse is what sank me. I'm usually able to maintain a lot of poise and civility with people in general but for some reason I just unload on my wife every now and then. I don't put a whole lot of faith in the psych community, but I've decided to go to see a professional about anger management. At the very least it'll give me an outside and objective perspective into, perhaps, the causes, the warning signs and how to handle it without being so gatdamn cruel about it. I, too, hope my wife will come back someday and this may improve our odds at reconciling if I can control that verbal abuse. Also, if I find someone new this would hopefully keep me from making the same mistake all over again. My point is, you might want to look into some anger management counseling yourself, Falcon. You don't have to be crazy to seek mental health services.
Hey man, as much as you're hurting just keep in mind that where there's life there's hope. As long as you're here on this earth, you can be happy again at some point in the future. Be happy to be alive - even though right now you feel like you're dyin'! This, too, shall pass.
Thanks for the reply, you know shes not perfect by any means, but she never should of been treated the way I treated her. Now it was not all the time but my god I think back now and I cant belive thats me.
I dont want anyone new, thats what really sucks. And I think she does not either but she is so scared of opening up her heart again to me I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. The affair was a HUGE mistake but she learned alot from it. I have delt with it to. Its over and done, I was with her when it ended. I got updates from her I was the only one she could talk to. Funny I was the only one who understands the reason behind it, her family thinks shes a slut and a whore but she is not. Im glad I could be there for her even tho it killed me.
Your right there is hope, and she has not shut the door on us. Not close but for now she needs to do what she is doing I guess. The mid life crisis will end, and hopefully she hasnt found someone else. Ill give her the time she wants, but it hurts like heck everyday to know all this crap did not have to happen.
By the way its not and excuse for what she has done. She was so wrong and she knows it, but when someone after 19 years of being faithfull there has to be a resaon for it.
I'd just like to jump in and say that I'm impressed that the two of you have taken a look at yourselves to see what needs to be improved upon. So many times, people will say that their spouse left and they don't know why.
I would like to say that verbal abuse affects kids too. My dad used to be verbally abusive to my mom. She would just stand there and take it. And I was this lil girl wishing that I was bigger so that I could stand up to him and make him stop. I learned to love and hate my dad all at the same time - and THAT is a darned shame.
The first step in solving a problem is admitting that there is one. Bravo to both of you.
Coming from the other side of the fence, maybe I can help shed some light on how your wife got to this point. For me, it only took 14 years but maybe that was because it started very early in the marriage. It was very subtle and a combo of verbal, mental and emotional abuse. The thing is it wears you down. I tried to make things better--at first I fought back, then I refused to be drawn into any fights at all. I tried to ignore it, I tried to cope with it, I tried to understand it and every other possibility I could think of. Nothing worked. He would not listen to me at all and in fact, wouldn't listen to other people who could see what he was doing. Finally, one day it was just like something in me died. I was done trying. I put up for a little while longer and then I realized that I was always saying "I used to _____." It made me realize that I wasn't living but only existing and that I wasn't happy about it. And then I got pi$$ed off and decided that I wasn't dead yet and I wanted to enjoy my life. I told him I was finished. (Of course, he didn't believe me!) We separated and started divorce proceedings. He still has no idea what happened really. He seldom takes responsibility for anything he has done. This is where you guys are way ahead.
Maybe the hardest part is knowing that you did it to yourselves, but you are big enough men to face that and try again. Good luck to both of you.
__________________
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with mustard."
"Respect is love in plain clothes"
I can't say that my ex was abusive, verbally or otherwise, but I can certainly relate to this feelings:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluvsiamese
For me, it only took 14 years but maybe that was because it started very early in the marriage.
The thing is it wears you down. I tried to make things better . . . I tried to ignore it, I tried to cope with it, I tried to understand it and every other possibility I could think of. Nothing worked. He would not listen to me at all . . . Finally, one day it was just like something in me died. I was done trying. I put up for a little while longer and then I realized . . . that I wasn't living but only existing and that I wasn't happy about it. And then I got pi$$ed off and decided that I wasn't dead yet and I wanted to enjoy my life. I told him I was finished.
We separated and started divorce proceedings. He still has no idea what happened really. This is where you guys are way ahead.
In my case, when I told The Hubster that I was leaving, he said, "I knew this was coming." Um . . . okaaaaay . . . so WHY the He11 didn't he TRY when I asked him? ? ? ? Why was he NOW asking me if there was anything he could do to change my mind? It's a lil late, buster.
I hope that you guys have better luck. At least your eyes are open.
Last edited by Lil Honey; 30th September 2005 at 2:55 PM..
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I was the only one she could talk to. Funny I was the only one who understands the reason behind it, her family thinks shes a slut and a whore but she is not. Im glad I could be there for her even tho it killed me.
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