[tornapart07]

well i don't know where to start. i met a great guy this summer we were together all the time. had a lot in common loved sports. he had some red flags that scared me but i looked past them and gave him a chance. we both just got out of long relationship but i thought we were both over our ex's. and moving on. i thought wrong. we went out of town for a weekend.hun gout that week then out of the blue he says he doesn't know what he wants. he needs to be single. he might go back to his ex (who by the way is crazy) tells him to give up everything he loves. calls him 68-100 times a day. he says he never thought he could have feelings like this for someone like he does me. he wants to keep everything the same. wants to hang out and see me. he calls me still every day couple times a day. yesterday was the firt time i did not talk to him. i don't know what to do? I care deeply about him and he is the first guy i let my guard down for since me and my ex broke up. but i'm hurting bad. and everyone tells me i was too good for him anyways and to move on. we dated since june. plus he keeps changing stories on when they broke up and all kinds of things. i feel like he is a 30 yr old man playing high school games. he dated his ex for 5 yrs on and off and i was with mine for 8 yrs on and off. do i keep talking to him? do i say something about i'm not waiting around? I have no clue. I don't want to lose him but then again i dont want to go through this.

[Baz]

Hi tornapart07

Im sorry to hear of your confusion and pain.

As I see it you need to look after #1. He sounds extremely confused about his feelings and that does not make for a healthy anything right now. It is not you that he has issues with, it is himself and he needs time and space to really address these issues. You shouldn't allow yourself to be exposed to this confusion because on top of your own emotions you will spiral into serious depression.

This isn't what you want to hear but you must (in a mature adult way) withdraw from his life until such time that he has found answers to all his quesitions. For you the dreaded NC will give you the time that you need to get a hold of your emotions and feelings and get more stability into your life. Unfortunatley this guy is nowhere near being able to do this for you.

It is very sad but despite your obvious attraction you both need to back off and take time out. Sit down with him and have an adult conversation with him telling him how you honestly feel. If he values you then he will, during this next phase find a way back to you. If he doesn't then you have saved yourself much pain and time.

[tornapart07]

Forgot to mention. that after all was said and done. I went out the next night and ran into my ex. we didn't speak or say anything. but then ran into him at the store the next day and he walked around nervous like he wanted to say something but didn't. and then that night I saw him at a bar again. is this a sign? what is going on? my current boyfriend breaks up with me and then i run into my ex who I haven't seen since feb.

I agree Baz. I need to take care of myself. It's easier said then done. I just don't get why he keeps calling. Why does he ask questions about what I'm doing and where I'm going like he did when we are together. is he playing mind games? what if I go on with my life and then he wants to get back together? how do you know if you should try and work things out or move on?

[Baz]

He calls you because he is insecure and emotionally immature. It is a form of manipulation, or to put it another way, abuse.

He isn't ready to commit to you for whatever reason but he doesn't want you to move on so he keeps you hanging there by teasing you with occasional contact. It is certainly not because he wants a relationship with you.

You must understand that whatever you had before with this guy has ended and the slate has to be wiped clean. If he honestly values you and wants a relationship with you then he must start behaving like a man rather than a wimp.

Ask him not to call you for a month. Tell him that you will not respond to his attempts to contact you until the end of the month. Then meet with him for coffee and discuss where you are both at. If nothing has changed do it again.

Most importantly remember that you are the prize, not him.

It is going to be tough to do this but I promise you that this is the only way to resolve this dance that you are in.