[newbby]

Hello everyone,
I just read a very interesting article and I hope it helps everyone.
It may not be what we want to hear, but it is lesson worth learning.
This article stated that the one thing central to falling in love was a loss of control. This is the psychological factor neccessary to falling in love in either sex.
We have absolutely no control over a married man, it is the perfect situation to ensure that the neccessary requirements to falling in love are met. We are completely out of control in this situation.
Men are simplistic, if we enter into a situation knowing the facts, i.e, he is married, and/or we continue with that relationship (doesnt matter if he lies or not about his feelings, facts are facts) and worse still sleep with him, we are pretty much saying, we are okay with the situation and this is all we want from him.
The more out of control we feel, the more we try to please him (whether we like to admit this to ourselves or not), thus ensuring that he realises he has complete control over us, a perfect situation for him to NOT fall in love with us.
Sorry girls, but we do it to ourselves.
This pretty much means that it is too late to change anything in the relationship, but we can still try. If it doesnt work then we may have lost him, but at least we have found ourselves and learnt a valuable lesson.

[sylviaguardian]

That is really interesting!

[quankanne]

we are pretty much saying, we are okay with the situation and this is all we want from him

BINGO!

this is precisely why I've always said that the spouse and the lover are the ones who get the raw end of the deal, because for all their time and emotion invested, they're not getting a full return because the adulterer is only giving each of them part of him- or herself. While he/she is reaping full benefit from spouse and lover each.

a good rule of thumb for ANY relationship is to be sure that the person you want to be involved with is free and clear of any other romantic relationship, be it a live-in lover, spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. No use subjecting yourself to a life of misery, no matter how much you care for this person.

just my two cents

[newbby]

Originally Posted by quankanne

a good rule of thumb for ANY relationship is to be sure that the person you want to be involved with is free and clear of any other romantic relationship, be it a live-in lover, spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. No use subjecting yourself to a life of misery, no matter how much you care for this person.

just my two cents

I am not sure if this is exactly what I am saying. What I am saying is, if you want to get involved with this person, do not sleep with them, and if you have, dont do it anymore. Dont allow them control of you either.
It is probably too late for most already established in a ow/mm relationship, to actually make the relationship work, but for your own sense of self worth and self respect, you can at least take that control (of you) away from him.
It might not work, to get the relationship you want, but, it is more likely to work than to keep allowing him control of you, and if it doesnt work, at least he gets to see that you are in control of your own world, and if you dont like how he is treating you, then you will not allow it.

[lynnered]

Originally Posted by newbby

Hello everyone,
I just read a very interesting article and I hope it helps everyone.
It may not be what we want to hear, but it is lesson worth learning.
This article stated that the one thing central to falling in love was a loss of control. This is the psychological factor neccessary to falling in love in either sex.
We have absolutely no control over a married man, it is the perfect situation to ensure that the neccessary requirements to falling in love are met. We are completely out of control in this situation.
Men are simplistic, if we enter into a situation knowing the facts, i.e, he is married, and/or we continue with that relationship (doesnt matter if he lies or not about his feelings, facts are facts) and worse still sleep with him, we are pretty much saying, we are okay with the situation and this is all we want from him.
The more out of control we feel, the more we try to please him (whether we like to admit this to ourselves or not), thus ensuring that he realises he has complete control over us, a perfect situation for him to NOT fall in love with us.
Sorry girls, but we do it to ourselves.
This pretty much means that it is too late to change anything in the relationship, but we can still try. If it doesnt work then we may have lost him, but at least we have found ourselves and learnt a valuable lesson.

newbby ,
great article i agree & disagree
agree him feeling controll as with MM last night conversion ,he made lots of comments how in bed nobody will ever satisfy me like he does (ok maybe i pumped up his esteem a little to much on that one )him throwing a tantrum when it wasnt going his way,that ive always been there even though he treats me bad,he asked how come if U treat a woman bad U get Ur way,and so on but disagree with them not falling in love i feel he loves me but like article says"we are pretty much saying, we are okay with the situation"by staying yes he may love but will not leave thats the problem with mine i was so good pumped up his esteem but to the point "he needs my attention"and U read my post so U get my MM needyness when i dont respond.
when i wouldnt give into lovemaking last night clousure situation?
he accused me of sleeping with someone else,
he said i was treating him as if weve never slept together on & on when they cant controll us they turn we benefit them to much & us not enough so we so show them i will put up with this .
why leave? she will be here just like she has for 1,2,3,4,5 how many years .
but when we start to pull away & they feel loss of control ,they act mean or overly nice .WTF
hate men right now
sorry to vent newbby
good article

[newbby]

Originally Posted by lynnered

newbby ,
he made lots of comments how in bed nobody will ever satisfy me like he does (ok maybe i pumped up his esteem a little to much on that one )

him throwing a tantrum when it wasnt going his way,that ive always been there even though he treats me bad,he asked how come if U treat a woman bad U get Ur way,and so on but disagree with them not falling in love i feel he loves me but like article says"we are pretty much saying, we are okay with the situation"by staying yes he may love but will not leave thats the problem with mine i was so good pumped up his esteem but to the point "he needs my attention"and U read my post so U get my MM needyness when i dont respond.
when i wouldnt give into lovemaking last night clousure situation?
he accused me of sleeping with someone else,
he said i was treating him as if weve never slept together on & on when they cant controll us they turn we benefit them to much & us not enough so we so show them i will put up with this .
why leave? she will be here just like she has for 1,2,3,4,5 how many years .
but when we start to pull away & they feel loss of control ,they act mean or overly nice .WTF
hate men right now
sorry to vent newbby
good article

yes lynnered, i was thinking about this. i suppose they dont feel all that in control of us, since we can pretty much do as we darn well please as they have made no commitment to us. perhaps it fuels both sides of the passion

[lynnered]

Originally Posted by newbby

yes lynnered, i was thinking about this. i suppose they dont feel all that in control of us, since we can pretty much do as we darn well please as they have made no commitment to us. perhaps it fuels both sides of the passion

i think when they feel like they are losing control is when they "freak out"he was ok when there was possabilty of me giving in ,but then when i wasnt it must be someone else,& i dont know if U "cheat "on me& ill just get it somewhere ,
but yet my reasoning of ive waited 4years U cant wait to be intimate with me until then ,sleep with W until U leave,then i get U spoiled me with that "good loving".
and i did i pumped his ego ,let him feel so in control ,yet when he says"nobody will ever satisfy me like he does " i say nobody will ever treat U like i did in & out of bed ,he says U dont think
my /or OW fault we pump them up so much let them have that control what a ego boost !
she knows im married ,yet will do anything for me ,im a king .

[joodee]

Wow, very interesting. Where can this article be found???? Maybe that's what I need, a good smack in the head to realize the MM is not in love with me (he keeps saying he is, and for the most part I have ignored him, but it's hard).

[newbby]

Actually the article was about relationships in general, it wasnt about the mm+ow relationship, I just looked at it that way. I will pm you it if you like.

[nextel]

If you truly love and value yourself, why would you want to bargain for less than you deserve, is what I have always asked myself.

None of us are perfect and we will at some point in our lives fall into temptation. But the most important thing to remember is who and what is important to you. Hopefully, your answer will lead to you not being strong enough to only seek the best for yourself.

Married men are a waste of time. Even when they do leave their wives, they have so much baggage. When they are still with their wives, they are having the best of both worlds, yet you cannot enjoy those worlds.

Whats best for me is a single, avaliable, intelligent, hardworking, faithful, loyal man, and not a boy.