[LostnBroken]

Hi all...I'm a newbie and quite nervous about posting...although I don't know why. I suppose I should start off with some background...
I'm a 29 year old Mom of 3. My relationship with my ex(never married but together for 8 years) ended in March of 2004. He was always very selfish and never into doing anything to make me happy...I suffered through the last 5 years...never had the heart to leave him because although I wasn't happy, I loved him so much and always had hopes that it would get better. The relationship ended on grounds of infidelity...for the third time. I called it off after I found he was having an affair with a 19 year old freshman in college. This same girl I later found out was carrying on an affair with him for the past 5 years...it started when she was only 14 (he 23). At that time we had already had 2 kids and I was pregnant with my third. The OW and my daughter share the same name...ughness. Needless to say this decision was very difficult and although I originally ended it, I desperately wanted things to work between he and I. He was my first love, the father of my children, and every decision I had ever made up until the end was to better our future. I quit a job that I loved to be a stay at home mom...therefore when we split up, I had no income. Because of financial situations we are still living together. Right...I know...I've heard it all "that's gotta be rough" "i don't know how you do it" Truth is...I'm barely hanging on. I still have feelings for him...very strong feelings for him...I don't know why because I know I deserve better. The OW was always very nasty to me...she curses the ground I walk on...I blame it on the naive age. They split up back in February...her move claiming I made her life a "living hell". I stayed out of her way and only requested he not bring her in the home while I was there...I think after everything I had been put through by the two of them that was a justified request. He is currently dating someone else...who he brings home with me here and it suuuuuucks. I'm trying to remain strong and just keep my yapper shut because I know it won't get me anywhere...I don't want to be back together with him...I just want the feelings to fade and for me to get on with my life...away from him. Because we live in a town far away from family and all of my friends I am constantly depressed...I am always home alone. I've barricaded myself in my room when my children are in school or when they are in bed. We do go out every now and then and I listen to him talk about his relationships with other girls all the while I'm DYING inside. I'm completely worn out trying to be so strong for the sake of remaining friends with him. I still hold a lot of resentment and a lot of anger for the way he broke my heart. He still means a lot to me...and feelings aside...I do want to remain friends and for us to stay a part of each others lives...outside of our children as well. Am I dreaming...or is this actually possible?? I don't want to lose all of my hair nor sanity for nothing...

[GreatToBeHere]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Obviously you are going to have a hard time accepting what is going on.

You DO deserve better. The man has no respect for you or his children bringing other women home.

One of you has to move out. It is unfair on you and unfair on your children.

I do not think you will find anyone that will say this is a healthy situation. You are worth more than that.

Realise that it is over and get some counselling.

All the best.

[LostnBroken]

Believe me...counseling would be a superb option if the monetary means were there...I just simply can't afford it. I am trying my damndest to get a place of my own but it's VERY hard in this area with 3 kids to support as well. I will more than likely move in with my Mother and have to uproot my kids from school and replace them. It will suck but all in all will be better in the longrun. I know this isn't a healthy situation by any means...I'm just trying to do my best with what's been dealt to me. I can't exactly have a breakdown because I have children who need and depend on me but it's taking every ounce of strength I've got to get through each day that I'm here. Reason this has taken so long is because the ex went through the whole "I'm confused...don't know what Iwant...I still love you but I love her stage" for about 10 months. Love is blind...had I had my head screwed on straight I would've seen right through it and I could've been further along in my quest for happiness post-break up. Being here and seeing him date this girl right in front of my face just makes me feel even worse about myself. I see how much he's changed and how much better he treats her and I most definitely take it personally...how come I wasn't worth changing for...ya know? I DON'T want to be one of those girls that needs a man or his affections to feel good about herself and it's really infuriating to know that this has gotten to me like this. I'm also petrified that by having to build this wall up so thick and so high around my heart that I'll become numb. While it serves me at the moment...it will probably hurt me in the end if I can't ever feel love or reciprocate it again. Scary thought...very scary thought.