Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
I really need some advice as I feel like I'm cracking up! Last nite I went through my fiances phone (I know I'm invading his privacy and the saying what you don't know cant hurt you comes to mind but I think I'm glutton for punishment). Anyway while I was going through his phone as I occasionally do I found at least 15 messages from 1 girl all in the same day, some of them seemed innocent enough and others not so innocent asking him what he was doing that nite. Now that might seem like nothing but I'm 99% sure he only just met this girl and for her to be sending all those messages he must be replying to them but when I looked in his sent box it was empty.
Anyway I just need some help on what to do! do I confront him and risk losing him because I invaded his privacy or do I keep quiet and pretend as if everything is ok when I'm not. We've just bought a house together but I'm afraid i've made the biggest mistake of my life. I know i've got trust issues that i'm trying hard to deal with and I really do love him.
Would you normally have invaded his privacy like that, or were you acting on an instinct? It's a tricky one. Sometimes you'll get an instinct (which, I suspect is often more just a case of unconsciously observing certain suspicious events, behavioural patterns and "guilty" body language). Sometimes you can't ignore that instinct, but to ask questions based on it would sound hysterical and paranoid.
I know lots of people who have snooped on their partners, but not many who have admitted it to said partners. Generally some convoluted situation will arise whereby the information the person already has is gently "encouraged" or manipulated out of the partner.
You could approach your bf and saying "look, I've been getting some odd feelings that all is not well lately. I know I really shouldn't have done this, and I'm not sure why I did, but I checked your texts - and you had about 15 from a girl I don't know. Who is she?"
Then again, it's all very well for me to preach an honest and direct approach when I'm not the one who has to deal with the fallout. Maybe a more Machiavellian means of finding out who this woman is will be the only realistic way to preserve your relationship? After all, although there seem to be lots of people out there who enjoy a good snoop, it's fair to say that most people really can't handle being on the receiving end of a snooper's activities.
It's fair to say that I do go through his phone quiet often and I'm not even sure why because I obviously don't want to see things like that but as I said before I have trust issues that i'm trying to resolve.
I'm finding really hard to decide what to do, as I know that I virtually brought this on myself.
On the one hand I could go with my gut which is to confront him and let him know how i'm feeling because of this and just hope he doesn't throw that back in my face because I went through his phone. On the other hand if I keep quiet then there's no argument, no risk of losing him but I will be torturing myself mentally about what might be going on and believe me I'm very good at that.
I think i'm going to try and confront him because I don't think i'l make it through the next few days if I keep this bottled up!!
Thank's for the advice
Last edited by insanelyjelous; 20th September 2005 at 8:19 AM..
I just called my fiance to see how his day was going and he told me that he has a work meeting tonight. I don't believe him!! my heart is telling me that he's going to meet this girl because he never mentioned it before and now all of a sudden he's gotta stay at work late.
God I wish I'd never even looked at his phone in the first place, i'd have been none the wiser and wouldn't be torturing myself like this now
this is tearing me up inside. I didn't want to confront him before I'd had time to think about it but now I don't know if I should tell him before he goes or let him go and confront him tomorrow!!
I think i'm going to try and confront him because I don't think i'l make it through the next few days if I keep this bottled up!!
Thank's for the advice
Good luck with it. If that's the way you're going to deal with it it might be an idea to think of it as a discussion rather than a confrontation. Thinking in terms of a confrontation would indicate that you've got him all but convicted, hung drawn and quartered already.
"Discussion" would be more about investigating some concerns you have, keeping an open mind but being determined not to be fobbed off with a weak sounding excuse...or allowing him to focus on the issue of you snooping to the extent that he avoids giving a satisfactory explanation as to who this woman is and why she keeps texting him. Given that you're engaged to be married to the guy, I agree that you need to be clear about just what's going on here.
It does sound a little suspicious. Could you drive by his work and see if you see his car there after work hours? You don't have much to 'confront' with otherwise - he will just deny everything and turn it on you to make it look like you have the problem. You won't be able to back yourself up, because you won't have much outside of some one-sided text messages. I expect though, if you go by his work and his car isn't there - or, if you happen to be in that neighborhood when its time for him to get off of work you can borrow a friends car, and be very discreet and see where he happens to go if he leaves instead of staying for his 'meeting'.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
I wish I could do that but he doesn't drive to work and short of getting someone to follow him I don't think there's much else I could do. I guess I'l have to have our "disscussion" tomorrow when my mind is not racing with thoughts and when things may seem clearer, and whatever he does tonite I just hope he has the decency to be honest with me.
Thanks again
Whoever invented the mobile phone was a godsend to cheaters everywhere!!
Erik Erikson said that Basic Trust versus Basic Mistrust was the first dilemma in life. It's one that comes up again and again again - alongside ever more complicated dilemmas as we go on with our lives.
Nobody wants to be a suspicious cynic, but nobody wants to be a gullible fool either. How do you balance the two? It's got to be one of the biggest and most difficult challenges in life.
You need to admit what you did. He should have already told you about the messages if they were innocent. The fact that he didn't sounds suspicious to me. Tell him you're sorry for snooping but here is what I found. If he gets defensive about his privacy I'd be worried. Let us know what happens.
Ok well you are smarter than me to at least consider waiting and how to bring it up. I snooped and blew up right away before even giving myself the chance to think logically - now my bf is pissed. But him focusing on his own anger leads me to believe what I found wasn't completely innocent.
I am too in the situation where I am very untrusting b/c of my past but I never should have done what I did and I am very worried I will lose him over this.
I looked at his e-mail not b/c I was suspicious but b/c I figured there was nothing in there that would hurt me.....WRONG!
Make sure that he gives you an explaination. My bf explained very briefly in our "discussion" but has since not mentioned anything and only speaks of what I have done to him - not what he did to me. I have aplogized 100 times already and that is not enough it seems - perhaps there is more going on then I want to believe....hmmm
Wow. glad i found this thread. Im plagued with the same 'crazyness' I sneaked a peak 2 weeks ago of my bfs cell and hit the roof at his x calling. I had to block her number from our land line due to her harassment calls in the wee hours of the morning. So we ended up having a huge fight over this person and now my bf hides his phone from me which drives me even nuttier!! I wish i never started looking period.. This suspicion has become an obsession and is draining my energy levels...now i am suspicious over everything..this is no way to live.
I agree that trust is important, but not after you've found suspicious things. "Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean they are not after me".
He could've deleted the messages because it takes a lot of the cell phone's memory. If the least innocent message was what he's doing that night then he probably doesn't have anything with her right now. But that doesn't mean he doesn't like her.
Actually if I were you, I would let him go further and continue to check his messages. Don't you want to know if he is up to somthing with this woman?
Regarding the invaded privacy, when you enter somebody's house with no permission and see a murder, it's still happening. Just because you shouldn't have been there in the first place doesn't mean you haven't seen anything and you're the bad guy.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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