my boyfriend and i fight all the time about his watching porn daily. He watches it when im either not there,i just left,im sleeping....basically he does it alone.Its internet porn and i just dont understand why he hides it (tries to)and only does it when im not there.I feel its an insult to me and it REALLY hurts my feelings.Afew days ago i walked away from the relationship because of it. He see's nothing wrong. I told him its for single people or couples to view together not seperately!!He's promised that he wouldnt go to those sites anymore and has .
What do i do?
It's true that he may be addicted to porn. But that's his own problem. The problem in your relationship with him is that he is dishonest. If he lied to you about this porn stuff, he has lied about many other things, and will continue to lie in the future.
You walked away from the relationship because it insults you. Hes just trying to lure some response. What is insulting is your behavior in the matter. You give an extreme consequence for your lack of being able to please. Your giving him an ultimatum is insulting. Let the person embrace it. Its obvious he enjoys something to look at. These are pictures of people captured in some setting. People like pictures. Maybe he's looking for some pointers.
You did the right thing. It would be one thing if he was open to including you or at least respected your feelings, but he lied so hit the road now, it'll only be more difficult later on.
Do a search on 'porn' here. There have been a lot of discussions about this. Bottom line is that he hides it from you because he doesn't think it's a big deal but knows you'll make a big deal out of it. It's not about you and it's not that he's 'lying'.
O.K. thank you all for the replies.Let me add some more .............I too felt that it is me and i dont satisfy him so he reverts to this, he says different. He says its just pure entertainment.
I asked him to put it on one day and we'll watch it together as a couple(like everyone else). He did, but as soon as it was on it was like it hurt his eyes or something he almost couldnt even look at it , got up and sat somewhere else,wierd huh?
1. he says different. He says its just pure entertainment.
2. I asked him to put it on one day and we'll watch it together as a couple(like everyone else). He did, but as soon as it was on it was like it hurt his eyes or something he almost couldnt even look at it , got up and sat somewhere else,wierd huh?
1. For him, it probably is. That is where your communication fails. He sees nothing wrong with what he does, and until he does see that its wrong (not just for your sake, but for his) then its not likely he will stop. The least he could do, though is be more discreet. Perhaps there is a compromise you two could make - in that he is not to do it AT ALL when you are around or present. If he can't make that compromise, (literally can't keep himself from watching it when you are around) - in that his porn is on ONLY his time, and not any shared time - then I will concede that he may have a problem.
2. It isn't weird. He doesn't want to mix you up in his mind with the porn women. I expect he has very, very different views of you compared to the average porn woman. He doesn't want to see you in the same 'dirty' or 'humiliating' context. Reducing you to the level of a porn women he jerks it to is probably not high on his list of things he wants to do. Do not, for a second assume that he thinks the same thing about you that he does the porn women. He keeps you in a nice, clean place in his mind and doesn't want to see you in that gutter he keeps in his mind.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
The problem isint that he does it in front of me its that he only does it when i leave,am sleeping, Not around. And when i come over he turns it off and hides it.when asked to view it only together when we did he wouldnt even look at it. Maybe its our age gap? he's 47 and im 32???????????
The problem isint that he does it in front of me its that he only does it when i leave,am sleeping, Not around. And when i come over he turns it off and hides it.when asked to view it only together when we did he wouldnt even look at it.
If he only does it when you are not around, and its done entirely on his own personal, private time when you are not otherwise available - then how is that a problem for you? How is what he does on his own personal, private time when you aren't around affecting your relationship besides the arguments you start over it?
It sounds like you want to take control of what he does in his private time by expecting him to give up something he enjoys in private for no other reason than the fact that you don't like it. A person doesn't give up something they do entirely on their own private time simply because someone else doesn't like it.
A person gives up something because they no longer feel that it is good for themselves. If he does not see that what he is doing is 'bad' then he will not stop doing it. I'm not saying that viewing porn is "normal" in general - but if sees that it is normal for himself, then you will need to at least acknowledge that if you expect to get to a solution.
It isn't pretty to look at from this point of view - but if you want a resolution to the problem, it will take looking at it from all sides: even the sides you don't want to see. You don't have to agree with what he is doing - nor do you have to accept it. What you have to do is at least acknowlege what he considers to be normal for himself. He needs to do the same for you, too. Then, when you can see things from each other's point of view - you can work on a better compromise.
Until you can at least acknowlege (not 'agree with', mind you) what the other considers 'normal' it will be a constant "I'm right and you are wrong" scenario without once getting to the point where it can be resolved. If there can be no compromise - then your choices are limited: adapt to the situation or leave it.
He likely won't look at it with you, because you are not a part of that private gutter session in his mind - nor does he want you to be. I expect like a good deal of men, he prefers to keep them separate. He does not want to reduce you to the level of porn, nor does he wish to mix the love he makes to you with the rutting that he sees on the screen.
Last edited by LucreziaBorgia; 15th September 2005 at 5:29 PM..
My ex used to be the same way.. She thought I watched it because she didn't please me and that I didn't find her attractive (her fault for having low self-esteem) in my opinion. Anyways The ONLY reason I look at porn is to enchance my session when I am masturbating.
I never watch it other than that.. Its not that we don't like you but when you aren't around its the next best thing. Its really no big deal in my eyes. I would think he has a problem if he watched it when you were around. So what if he watches it when you aren't around... The reason he is hiding it is simple.. He doesn't want you to make a fuss about it..
Trust me being a guy its easier to hide it because it saves headaches over arguing about it. So don't get this feeling he will lie about other things because thats BS I think. Im sure thats why he does what he does.. So you should think about it before making drastic choices..
I DO understand most of these responses, Shoot i even agree with some, but how do i stop myself from getting the HURT feelings that i get when i find out?I mean it really truly breaks my heart. why u ask? I wish i knew.
Because part of you believes he likes the porn women better than you. But it's not true. You have to stop believing it because it's not true. Once you stop believing that, you won't feel hurt anymore. He's NOT rejecting you.
I told my ex early on in the relationship that I could not be with someone who uses porn. He said he didn't. He was lying. I got suspicious and did a little digging. Turns out he is subscribed to over a dozen internet porn sites....spent more than $1,000 in a year for internet porn, but would complain about being in debt or never having enough money. I believe he is addicted, and when I told him I thought he was, he denied being addicted. So obviously I began to wonder what else he was hiding from me and lying to me about. I soon found out that he was cheating on me and did everything he could to hide it from me. This issue isn't about porn, it's about TRUST. There are some men who are trustworthy, but plenty that aren't. You need to decide for yourself if this guy is worthy of your trust, especially on matters which are much bigger than porn.
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