Suppressed memories of abuse haunt me.

bareman · 12th September 2005, 1:10 AM

I had fond memories of my childhood with my brothers and sisters. There were problems with a very stern, even abusive father, but not so much more than other people I knew. My mother was very loving and nurturing. All in all it had been a good life; or so I had thought. I often wondered how I could be so depressed and messed up without a reason.
About four years ago something triggered a suppressed memory. It caused all kinds of emotional and physical reactions. I remembered witnessing the rape of my then ten-year-old sister by a friend of the family. Since I was twelve at the time and the rapist was an old man, my guilt at not protecting her must have been enough to cause tramatic stress disorder. This was a mental health councilor's suggestion.
Apparently, suppressing these memories and feelings made me what I am today; a loner, a misfit, sex addict with low self-esteem. To add to my problems, I fear there are more memories buried and ready to ambush me at any moment. Can anyone offer me hope?

Outcast · 12th September 2005, 2:10 PM

Are you still getting counseling? If not, why not? These sorts of very complex issues need to be dealt with under the guidance of a competent professional. Yes, there is hope, but you need to work out all this stuff with help.

bareman · 12th September 2005, 4:52 PM

For several months after the memories recurred I did visit the councilor because for a while I was pretty messed up. You've got to understand that I've been in and out of theropy for years, (since 1978) because of chronic depression and one sueicide attempt. (a gun with falty ammunition, luckily)
Prozac saved my life.
I had thought I was past all that by the late nineties, then about December of 2001 my baby sister triggered this episode by confessing her own rape to me. I guess the situation was so similar that it ripped right through my protective amnesia.
For the past several months I have been free of flashbacks. I now have a series of disjointed memories that are all somewhat related to the rape of my oldest sister. I suspect that some of them are false memories based on dreams. God, I hope so. They're pretty grusome.
Sorry, I guess I've run on a bit but I really don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Thanks for your patience.