[sillysally]

I was seeing this guy for about a month, and things were OK but then I started to get frustrated. He wouldn't call me all week, and then call me on Saturday to see if I wanted to do something. Or he would call and leave a message on my home phone when he knew I was at work. So I called him and left this message on his voice mail..."If you want to continue to hang out with me, you're going to have to put in a little more effort, if not then just don't call." So he never called again, which is fine, but he's told people that I scared him off with my psycho mesage. This guy is 36. Was I being psycho?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think you were standing up for what you wanted out of this. I think the tone and approach was a little aggressive, though.

However, I don't think you were being psycho. That doesn't mean he didn't though. It sounds like he was interested only up to a certain point. If someone is interested only up to a certain point, and they feel pushed past that point then chances are they will simply up and leave which it appears he did.

There are plenty of other guys out there who will no doubt show a greater interest and not have to be called like that, so its probably best this didn't work out.

[RecordProducer]

Originally Posted by sillysally

So I called him and left this message on his voice mail..."If you want to continue to hang out with me, you're going to have to put in a little more effort, if not then just don't call." So he never called again, which is fine, but he's told people that I scared him off with my psycho mesage. This guy is 36. Was I being psycho?

Yes.

Obviously he didn't want to put a little more effort.

Generally you should be able to smell if the guy is interested or not and act accordingly. That means if you see that he is not relationship material, you back off.

Ideally, you have no right to request from new acquaintances to put more effort in the relationship with you. You have to deserve it. You could have asked him if he is interested in you or not. That approach is different - you give him a choice, you ask about his preferences, and are willing to accept his decision as legitimate.

Demanding and threatening are very wrong and always leave the impression of psychotic behavior, especially at the beginning of the relationship.

[sillysally]

I really messed up. Again.

[JS17]

Eh, Salls, we all mess up. But you learned from this and hopefully next time you'll do better. I'm the same way. I'm trying to think things through a little better now before I react....funny thing though is this is what my last boy dumped me for, not being reactive enough but I think he had a few screws loose You'll find another.

[Angelina1433]

Don't worry about it Sal - you're definately not a psycho. If you drunk dialed him and told him that, then maybe

Next time, just let it ride. But you are never wrong for expressing your feelings. Lots of type A men like the chase and being the aggressor. If you turn the tables on them, then the gig's up and they sense you're the aggressor. It's a catch 22, unfortunately. Many men want a strong, independent woman, but when you outdo them too soon, they run...

You'll have many more chances. Don't worry!

[sillysally]

Thanks, I'm feeling really bad tonight. I think it was past relationships that made me say that....men not putting effort into dating me, wanting to keep it casual which really equals they can see you when they feel like it. I'm feeling horrible about men and I hope I'm not getting too cynical and sabotaging every relationship I have.

[Angelina1433]

Don't feel down. It's perfectly healthy to keep your guard up to a point. You certainly don't want to be naive. Remember that you control your fate - and not to mention, your dating life. If you want to lay it all out on the table, then go ahead. But some guys do get scared and run, unfortunatley. IMO - you should just lay it all out over time.... Not to defend any guy, but sometimes they just don't know how to date, and you need to subtly lead them to water. You won't be forcing them to drink - just urging them to.

[Houdini's Sweetie]

I don't think you were being precisely psycho -- some men tend to use that word to describe any woman they've had difficulty with, whether they're drug-addicted prostitutes with ex-con ex-boyfriends or the woman who's finally blown a fuse after being pushed too far for too long.

I think you were one of the latter: pushed too far for too long, not necessarily by him, but by other men who seem to play these kinds of games routinely. I understand, because I've been coping with this kind of behavior for almost 4 years of dating, now. At some point, you tend to go over the edge a bit.

Unfortunately, this man seems to have been setting you up to get rid of him in some way. Why wait until it's too late to set a date to set a date? Because you really don't want to go on a date. So why call at all? That's something you'll never understand and probably they don't either.

I've never called anyone and told them flat out to get their s**t together. I do nothing except stop responding. I figure there's no use in losing your dignity trying to make a point with someone who already has no clue why they do what they do. Just don't pick up any more calls and cut your losses. I know it's frustrating to be primed for some human contact, some companionship, some pleasant company, and then have the rug pulled out from under you.

Why do you think I'm Houdini's Sweetie? Men disappear like magicians on me constantly! But at some point, you realize it's not YOU. There are too many people out there, men and women, who are realizing that they're being given the run-around by these odd people who are in some kind of approach-avoidance dance that even they can't seem to stop. The best thing to do is ignore them, have no further expectations of them, and stop contact with them.

Funny, sometimes their efforts actually step up when you ignore them. I had one start to call me 4 - 5 times per day. Didn't change my mind, however. I knew that if I started to show interest, I'd be back at square one. It's a game and it's rigged for you to lose. Just don't play.

I hope things improve for you! No more bad nights, okay?