The MM I am seeing just moved in with me two days ago. He left his wife in the beginning of July and was staying at a hotel. Now he’s finally moved in. He told his wife that he was moving in with another woman and I thought she took it well considering the circumstances, aside from telling him that we’d both burn in hell. But at least she did not tell him that he could not see his kids. Well I guess it had to marinate for a while because today she told him to stay the f*ck away from her and her kids. I’m hoping she’s just angry right now and will soon realize that by keeping him from his kids she’s only hurting them. He's a very good dad and very dedicated. He wants to spend as much time with his children as possible, and she's already stated that he's not allowed to bring the kids around me. So that means that they cannot come over for overnight visits as they were doing while he was at the hotel.
I'm very confused. I want to be happy with this man, but the W seems determined to make it difficult as possible. She was supposed to go on a job interview today but stated that she was "too upset to handle it". He has been asking her to get a job for 12 years and there's always some excuse as to why she never wants to work. Its not like he makes alot of money, she was just determined to not work and content to struggle financiallly. Now I think she might pursue alimony and not work until she's forced to.
I think it would be best for all involved if this was handled out of the court system and they could come to an agreement together about visitation and support for the kids.
I'm also scared because I know there is a possibility he might not be able to handle it and will go back to her just to be with his kids. They share one vehicle, and he has to spend extended time at her house because he can't bring the kids here. I'm scared. What to do next?
Originally posted by Confused Woman
The MM I am seeing just moved in with me two days ago. He left his wife in the beginning of July and was staying at a hotel. Now he’s finally moved in. He told his wife that he was moving in with another woman and I thought she took it well considering the circumstances, aside from telling him that we’d both burn in hell.
Lucky you, you got what we all wanted. I am sorry to hear it is scary, but now that you have him with you, you have to deal with him and all his issues. You need to sit down and have a talk with him about what his plans with you are.
Be careful, be supportive, he needs guidance now. Also, be careful, an exMM moved out on his wife twice, but went back to her after I dumped him. (I met him when he was already separated and on his own the first time, we dated, it didn't work out, he went back to her. They had the same problems though and he got in touch with me, we spoke, I made it clear to him I wouldn't see him unless he was out of the house, He left her again, stayed with friends and he and I got back together, It didn't work out (he was a big liar) and then he moved back in with her....This was a constant rollercoaster with him for 2 years. He missed his kids throughout the whole time he was with me, he had HUGE guilt issues with leaving them. He is now still married and still with her. So just because they leave, doesn't mean it's over....Unless you see a finalized divorce filing...I'd still be wary of any situation where kids are involved.
Good Luck!
I really would like to know why anyone would volunteer for this life. You will forever have the kids, his ex-wife, and financial problems in your future. She will get allimony and child support even if she is working. Your MM will loose approximately half of what money he now makes. So you will be supporting him in a sense.
I have no experience in this matter. I am sure it is easier when you are on the outside looking in. I just don't know why anyone would sign up for that deal. Love really is not enough. I hope that you have a iron clad stomach. Good luck.
I also think you just need to be supportive of him, but at the same time he needs to understand your feelings and support you as well. Going through a divorce is hard on everyone, the husband, wife, kids, extended family and friends. There is going to be stress, anger and tears. Try to stay positive and focus on the here and now, not tomorrow. Returning to his wife after all that has happend may not now or ever be an option for him, as this would also have to be her decision as well. You need to take care of yourself first, and make yourself happy. You'll know when the time comes what you can and cannot handle. There are going to be hills and there are going to be mountains. But if you two really want to make this work between you then you have to work together and not against each other. Be supportive, communicate and BE HONEST.
what breathe said.
also try not to be angry at the wife about it. i think you really need to do as breathe said and try to keep yourself very strong and calm through all of this.
talk to him about it, and be supportive also give him enough space to work out the kid things. accept that she does not want the children to be around you for the moment (she will calm down about this later), and discuss other options with him.
this is the worst time when emotions are raw etc.
The best thing he could have done was get himself a small apartment and taken the time for adjustment. He can't just jump out of the marriage, move out and then jump right into your arms and house with no fallout, no awful feelings from his wife and kids...He still needs time to grieve his loss - Him leaving his kids, being around them basically 24/7.
It might be good of you to suggest this to him. You do sleep overs here and there, but for his kidssake - atleast he can spend time with them somewhere, have a sleepover with them without his exwife (though she's not ex yet) freaking out. I can understand she wouldn't want the kids near you right now. That comes in time do not rush that...She's pissed off and actually she has every right to be too! Sorry, don't mean to offend ya.
Also, him being on his own will show her he's thinking of the kids feelings and not just his own. That he is trying to make the best of a bad situation, to make it easier on the kids.
It will take a while for life to get easy for the two of you. Allow him time and space because he's going to waiver back and forth in his mind, wondering if he did the right thing and if he did, can he live with his choices... Not saying he's gonna go back to her, nobody knows that, but don't expect alot right now...
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Re: MM Moved In, Now What?
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Originally posted by Confused Woman
I think it would be best for all involved if this was handled out of the court system and they could come to an agreement together about visitation and support for the kids.
Yes, but is that realistic? Get thee to an attorney about this before she does. Its hard to see what is best for the kids when personal pain puts a wall between logic and emotion and one is stuck on the emotion side.
He wants to spend as much time with his children as possible, and she's already stated that he's not allowed to bring the kids around me. So that means that they cannot come over for overnight visits as they were doing while he was at the hotel.
As the parent, she does have that right to say who she does and does not want her children to be around. If your MM decides not to listen to her, he could risk a huge custody battle. If he does listen to her, it will no doubt affect your ability to have a normal relationship. Either way, someone loses. If he chooses you over his kids, than what does that say about him as a dad? If he chooses his kids over you, than what does that say about your relationship. Don't you deserve better?
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I'm very confused. I want to be happy with this man, but the W seems determined to make it difficult as possible.
Of course she is making your life hel! - and quite frankly, if you were involved in the breakup of her marriage - can you really blame her?
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She was supposed to go on a job interview today but stated that she was "too upset to handle it".
Are you really that cold and insensitive not to realize how her husband leaving her and moving in with someone else would devastate her? I'm hoping I'm just reading your comment incorrectly, and that you do have some compassion. As for the not working - could it be that it was because she was raising her husband's kids?? Often when a woman stops working to raise a family it is very hard to get back into the workforce.
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I think it would be best for all involved if this was handled out of the court system and they could come to an agreement together about visitation and support for the kids.
If you decide you do want to stick it out with him, realize this: what you think and say is not important when it comes to his divorce. It is a matter between him and his wife. Let him deal with it as he feels fit. If you push him, it might make him run from you.
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I'm also scared because I know there is a possibility he might not be able to handle it and will go back to her just to be with his kids. They share one vehicle, and he has to spend extended time at her house because he can't bring the kids here. I'm scared. What to do next?
That's a very real possibility and that's why I say stay out of it. Let him deal with it the way he feels best. Let him put the welfare of his kids first. Not you.
I really wanna stress to CW that you should encourage him to find an apartment. By doing this will show him and actually her too, that you're putting your needs and wants last. You want HIM to work through this as easily as he can and if that means you wait longer to have him live with you, you wait it out.
I don't know what this situation is like, but I can imagine it's not going to be an easy one for anybody involved. Alot of pain, resentment and hurt - Confusion and awful saddness, possibily alot anger from his children.
Do yourself ONE favour...Don't push yourself towards them, don't even try to meet them. They won't be ready and won't be able to handle meeting you or seeing you with their father.
Thanks for the replies, I know I need to hang in there and be supportive. Truth is though, I’m already annoyed. She doesn’t have a vehicle so she’s constantly calling him for everything from milk to letting her borrow the car. Also, she doesn’t have any income so she’s completely dependent upon him. She’s in no position to tell him to f*ck off even if she wanted to.
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Are you really that cold and insensitive not to realize how her husband leaving her and moving in with someone else would devastate her? I'm hoping I'm just reading your comment incorrectly, and that you do have some compassion. As for the not working - could it be that it was because she was raising her husband's kids?? Often when a woman stops working to raise a family it is very hard to get back into the workforce.
I don’t think I’m being insensitive, I think she milked her husband for their entire marriage. She constantly made excuses as to why she wouldn’t work and chose not to take her husband’s feelings into consideration when he expressed continuously that they were not getting anywhere on just his one income. Its one thing if you’re with someone who can comfortably afford to take care of you while you stay at home and you both agree on it, but she blatantly chose to disregard his feelings. As a result he struggled financially. Now she's telling him that he should have given her an ultimatum with regard to her getting a job, why should he have to give her an ultimatum if they are supposed to be partners in a relationship? Now it just seems to me like the excuses are continuing.
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I really wanna stress to CW that you should encourage him to find an apartment. By doing this will show him and actually her too, that you're putting your needs and wants last. You want HIM to work through this as easily as he can and if that means you wait longer to have him live with you, you wait it out.
As for asking him to move into his own apartment, we discussed that before. Actually we went looking for apartments and quite frankly with his credit he needed a cosigner, and I’m in love but not stupid. Then there was the issue with the security deposit. So in a way I’m helping him out by allowing him to move in with me, although we already discussed that starting next month I do expect him to pay half the mortgage, which he agreed to.
If he doesn't take the wife back.. ( a good possibility that he will ) and does get divorce ( not likely )
but if he does .. When he does marry you ( right )
then you can tell us what is on your mind when he cheats on you ...
Can you not see it ???
Don't make her the bad guy for your unhappiness .. You ought to be her
That is a lot of hurdles to overcome for a guy that you won't co-sign a 6 month lease for so he can have an apartment to get his head straight to start a new life with you ..
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~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
Last edited by Art_Critic; 24th August 2005 at 8:52 PM..
I don’t think I’m being insensitive, I think she milked her husband for their entire marriage. She constantly made excuses as to why she wouldn’t work and chose not to take her husband’s feelings into consideration when he expressed continuously that they were not getting anywhere on just his one income. Its one thing if you’re with someone who can comfortably afford to take care of you while you stay at home and you both agree on it, but she blatantly chose to disregard his feelings. As a result he struggled financially. Now she's telling him that he should have given her an ultimatum with regard to her getting a job, why should he have to give her an ultimatum if they are supposed to be partners in a relationship? Now it just seems to me like the excuses are continuing.
How much of the above did you actually witness? And how much of it is from his lips?
You're choosing to believe a cheater who deceived and betrayed somebody he supposedly loved. Naturally he's going to put the best possible spin on the situation for your benefit so he doesn't look like a TOTAL scumbag. Cheating aside, somehow I doubt he's the total saint you seem to think he is.
Besides, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. That's free advice.
__________________
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
My husband told his ow that I was a horrible person....etc..... After I divorced him, he married her, and then she divorced him. I had a real nice chat with her after that. That's how I know that MM will say anything about their wives. I believe I would call it the "poor me" syndrome.
Originally posted by reservoirdog1
How much of the above did you actually witness? And how much of it is from his lips?
You're choosing to believe a cheater who deceived and betrayed somebody he supposedly loved. Naturally he's going to put the best possible spin on the situation for your benefit so he doesn't look like a TOTAL scumbag. Cheating aside, somehow I doubt he's the total saint you seem to think he is.
Besides, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. That's free advice.
I agree with this, to some extent. In my case, my friends are all saying why the hell are you so stuck on this guy, look what he is doing behond his wife's back. I am starting to think this way myself.
I think he is in a big transition period with his whole life and his wife. Please be careful you don't get involved in something that is going to cause you hardship; it can sneek up on you like a bastard!
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