Well , here I go. About a month ago, my ex, who I have been seeing for 5 1/2 years broke up with me over a simple miscommuncation. The details of us breaking up isn't necessary, but lets just say it was real immature the way it was handled.
Now, after she did the original break-up, she wanted to still see me as a friend. She also wanted me to change and put me through a "testing" stage to see if I could do the things I said I would do. She wanted me to be more of a family person, attend her family events more often etc., etc., She also didn't like my friends and wanted me to stop seeing them. She wanted me to move out because she wasn't very fond of my family, and she never gave me reasons to why she wasn't fond of my family, she just wasn't. As for my friends, she thought since they weren't in school and working, that I would too go down that road, but I am in school and working. All of our problems didnt seem to harsh at all too.
As that "testing" stage went by, I cut off all my family and friends to try and please her, but this seemed to just confuse her more and everytime I would try and work this out with her, she would get aggravated almost immediately and asked me to stop talking about it. Now a month went by with this, and I thought I was doing good, but all of a sudden she asks me to stop talking to her altogether, stop calling or seeing her. This really blew me away because this is what she wanted right? wrong. A week goes by and I'm really hurt at this point, don't know If im doing the wrong things, the right things, does she love me, does she still want to be with me? She ignored my phone calls, but then I finally got her on the line after 5 times. She flat out told me; "It's over", "I can't be with you anymore because I'm not happy". I asked why she wasn't happy, and she said "I dont know why, I just am, I'm a diffferent person now"."I just realized one day that I wasnt happy with you". So I tried and tried to get answers out of her, but she refused. She was with her friends at the time and broke it off completely over the phone, she wouldnt see me. She was laughing and giggling with her friends at the time of her doing this. I am now devestated by this, which took place wednesday. She looked me in my eyes and told me "we will be together, i just need time". Now I feel lost, I cant keep a clear thought in my mind or have any motive to do anything. When I drink, it cures it for a moment then just hits me like a ton of bricks, and no i dont have a drinking problem. I keep asking myself what did I do wrong or what could I have done, but nothing helps. I dont know what to do anymore. How could a person change their mind so fast about something this serious. We had plans for marriage and our future.
Last edited by orto; 20th August 2005 at 5:54 PM..
if she was able to say what she said to you and have the nerve to laugh while saying it I'd say she isn't worth your time. it's up to you to realize that.
Originally posted by orto
But If it got so bad to the point of ending it, why wasn't nothing said ?
Because she decided she wanted to end it, and just let it go slowly. Telling you would have prompted you to try to 'save' a relationship that she was preparing herself to check out of. Telling you about it would do nothing but add more pressure for her, and make her feel guilty for feelings that she thinks she should be having, but is watching them drain away.
The process is pretty slow - it can take months or years - the person who finds themself in the unfortunate position of falling out of love doesn't have it easy as its happening. They know that their love is draining away, and as time goes by they fight with themself over it - trying to recapture what they think they should be feeling. If it doesn't happen, they just let it continue to drain out until the amount of love they have is less than the amount of love they lost - and toward the end, very little is holding them to you except guilt, obligation and sad nostalgic feelings for losing a love they had for you and know in their heart they won't be able to recapture. That is the point where you start hearing things like "I need space" or "we need a break", or you get the initial breakup. If they miss you even a tiny bit, they will come back in hopes that they can rekindle that love - but if they come back and find that they can't - then it will just keep going down that slippery slope. They wait until it gets to the point where their emotional investment is low enough where their need to be free of the relationship outweighs the guilt/obligation/nostalgia keeping them there. Then, at the end - they simply let go.
I think in the long run you would have become unhappy living with someone so controlling. It has to be the best thing that could have happened, but I know right now you can't see it that way. In time you'll feel better about things. It's just going to take time to get over the shock and hurt.
Ya I heard that more than once. But I didn't want to believe that. I gave her whatever she wanted, but that just seemed to make things worse, how does that at all make sense?
Because what you think was 'best' was not what she thought was 'best' for herself. You tried to give her everything she wanted, but it didn't change the fact that she was falling out of love with you. If anything, it just escalated it when the guilt kicked in seeing you busting your butt for a relationship that she was checking out of.
That is the hardest thing for people to understand about the whole 'falling out of love' thing. You could have been the "best boyfriend in the world" with top honors - but if she didn't see it that way, then it was all for naught. You can't control another person's love - or control their falling out of it, either. She fell in love with you, and she fell out of love with you - all her doing. Sometimes your best efforts will make no difference in a situation like this.
Well after the dust settled I get a call from my ex tonight. She says that she was sorry we broke up and what not. She wants us to be apart for 6 months, and then she wants to give me a letter explaining everything that I have been asking her, like what went wrong, why she was so unhappy etc., She wanted to wait for 2 years, but I said I couldnt do that, and so I gave her a compromise, so we decided on 6 months, will no contact, but we wouldnt see any other people either. She wants to "find herself" as she puts it. Now should I even try to think that maybe theres a chance, or should I move on with my life and live it to the fullest?
Originally posted by orto
Well after the dust settled I get a call from my ex tonight. She says that she was sorry we broke up and what not. She wants us to be apart for 6 months, and then she wants to give me a letter explaining everything that I have been asking her, like what went wrong, why she was so unhappy etc., She wanted to wait for 2 years, but I said I couldnt do that, and so I gave her a compromise, so we decided on 6 months, will no contact, but we wouldnt see any other people either. She wants to "find herself" as she puts it. Now should I even try to think that maybe theres a chance, or should I move on with my life and live it to the fullest?
I would tell her "Don't bother!"
She says 6 months or 2 years for a few reasons:
1. What she has to tell you must be pretty bad so in 6 months she figures you won't really care anymore.
2. She might use this as a tactic to keep you thinking of her.
3. Some unexplained reason.
If she feels she needs to wait to give you answers, then it's not worth hearing.
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Trust me, you won't last 1 round against me!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
God i felt like bursting to tears reading this article..LoL...It juz reminds me of my ex 5 yrs ago..I feel u man..Juz take it easy ayte..Same thing happen to me...Been there n done that...The difference is tat she never call...Our relationship juz faded away...Completely dead..I was juz like u b4 when she dumped me..I've done everything i could..I tried to do everything she wanted me to..But to no avail i still lost her..
LucreziaBorgia was right..Maybe to us tat we've done the best for them n maybe we could have been the 'best boyfriend' ever but if she dosen't see it tat way then its hopeless...I'm not trying to put u off..But u can do watever u want n while u're at it pls do it to ur own very best..So tat one day u don't have to regret it...Never regret the things u've done but regret the things u haven't done...
Yeah i agree tat u can't control or force someone's love...Love couldn't be kept by force,it can only be achieved by understanding..So if u really love her juz let her go,if she comes back to then it was meant to be urs but if it dosen't then it wasn't urs to begin with...I know letting go is never been easy n holding on can be as difficult as letting go...But true love n strength is not measured by holding on but by letting go.
"When they judges loves they often forget the pain their verdict brings..."
If shes preparing me for the worst, why was she so adament about us getting back together and wanting to work with me. She just needs time to figure out who she is, but she still says she loves me and cares for me, and that's why she called. We both agreed that seeing other people wouldn't help our situation, just make it worse. So I'll contact her in 6 months and by then we should have our lives straightened out.
1. why was she so adament about us getting back together and wanting to work with me.
2. She just needs time to figure out who she is, but she still says she loves me and cares for me, and that's why she called.
1. Because it conveniently prevents you from seeing what she is really doing, and prevents you from thinking of her as the 'bad guy' - its a way for her to feel minimum guilt. You are listening to her words, and paying no attention to the much more important actions. She has thrust you out of her life, for a minimum of six months (and wanted TWO YEARS OF NO CONTACT). I'm sorry - but a woman who loves you does not do that. A woman who wants to passively break up with you does - she is hoping you will move on so that she can comfort herself and assuage her guilt because if you walk away and move on you will always be left with the impression that it was your fault, not hers.
2. I'm sure she does care for you on some level - just not enough to give you the relationship you need from her, or release you from this horrible limbo that you don't need from her.
Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
...she is hoping you will move on so that she can comfort herself.
I agree with everything LucreziaBorgia said. As far as what I quoted goes: You cut off your family and friends and whatever else she wanted. She also wants this. Give it to her. Move on and let her off the hook, because she isn't going to handle it well anyway.
It could take a long time, but the most important step in moving on is releasing yourself from total responsibility for the end. Sooner or later you'll have to dispassionately give yourself and her the right amount of blame, responsibility, and credit.
To me it sounds like you're at the age where major personality upheavals are common. For most people that is all wrapped up by age 30. It's too much to expect for her to remain the same and have the same goals she had when she met you. Take your time and don't blame yourself as much as she does.
I also think she just wants to feel like she's not a bad person for hurting you. It's a sign of immaturity to handle things that way. But that's something else you can give her: Don't hold her responsible for her changing feelings. Try to accept it and maybe that will help you see that you couldn't have done anything about it.
Why can't she give me answers though? She said she wrote a 6 page letter that will explain what she needs in a relationship, and basicallly everything, but I wont get that letter till after the 6 months is up. Does she have the answers and just wants me to wait so the breakup will be easier? I mean after 5 1/2 years, can a person lose sight of what they need in life or in a relationship? She says she wants to find answers, but she just needs time to do that. I'm not going to hold back on my life, and if I meet someone that I hit it off with real nice, I may just call her and tell her what happened so this can all end.
Last edited by orto; 21st August 2005 at 4:06 PM..
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Dropped out of the blue.
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