[Baldy]

Hi guys, really need some advice here please

I have recently come out of a relationship which envolved me getting engaged and buying a house with her. We were dating for 16 months and I have recently built up the courage to tell her that I am not in love with her and never have been (even though I did think I was at one point).

Just to give you some quick background... she was controlling, abusive, violant and deceitful and I have managed to break free from it. It's not easy and I have seaked councilling because of it

However I have recently been talking via email to an exgirlfriend and very good friend who I lost touch with 6 years ago, and we plan to meet. Neither of us have mentioned if anything will happen between us, we haven't even broached the subject, but judging by the emails I like to think it will - God knows I deserve it.

Anyway, my problem... When I meet up with her next weekend we are obviously going to talk about what is happening in our lives, and that's where the problem lies. I'm not sure what to say to her without her be scared off and thinking I'm on the rebound and not ready to move on love wise. Yes, I want to take it slowly because it has only been 4 or 5 weeks, but I don't want to scare her off.

I'll be honest and say we have been chatting via email for the last 5 months and I have never mentioned I had a girlfriend. She has never mentioned a boyfriend and we have never asked. She is not the reason we have split up. We have had major problems for a long time now the relationship was dieing anyway

I just want to see what happens with this women without scaring her off. What's the best way of telling her without her wanting to run a mile, or will it not matter?

[SmallWonder]

You could aproach it the way I aproached it....

"I was in a long term relationship that, although it only officially ended a month ago, had been declining steadily for the past year or so. It was a natural thing for us to go our seperate ways, and I haven't been happier. So, what about you?"

There isn't any need for the gory details at this point because you want the focus to be on THIS person in THAT moment, not some ex. So yes, mention it but leave it at what it is: history.

You're moving forward!

Because, really, it's the truth, right?

[Baldy]

Thanks smallwonder, I was hoping you would say that as that was what I was thinking. Thanks for the great way of putting it too... will memorise that before next week

[JS17]

I received that line once and I didn't believe that he was really over it. I went out with him anyway and you know what? the baggage from that relationship was what ended up breaking us up. If she's smart she'll see right through it. Just make sure she knows you need to take it very very slow and remember yourself that you need to take it very slow.

[Baldy]

hmmm...

The only baggage I have from this is the sale of the house and having to get all that sorted. However I do still want to be friends with her so if that is classed as baggage, then yes I have some.

I am not emotionally tied to her anymore and in fact have more feelings for a girl I split up with nearly 8 years ago (and no that isn't baggage either, just making a point)

I do understand that I need to take it slowly. I also WANT to take it slowly as the last year and a half I have been in a very controlling relationship. This slave has now broken free and it's time to breath fresh air, smell the roses and find adventure. The last thing I want is to be in another serious relationship so soon. However, if that's what happens, that's what happens. I just want the chance with this new girl and don't want to scare her off completely even if we just have fun for now - a slow start is better than no start right?