Since I see the responses are very short, I'll try to keep mine that way as well.
I think that if someone can have an affair that early in a marriage to me that screams that the marriage doesn't mean much to the cheater!!! It seems to me that this is what you'll have to look forward to throughout the rest of your marriage. Are you really willing to take the chance of her continuing to have affairs? You know the say "nothing predicts the future better than past behaviors"
But since this is a short post, none of us know either one of you...it is hard to give solid advice but based on your question......I say run!!!
Once with very unique circumstance I would say try to work it out, but she had sex with him twice? Is that what you mean -- that she had sex with him at your 2 month mark and again at your 6 month mark?
Your broken heart will heal faster if you don't drag it out----RUN
this answer is probably based more in pride than not, but I also would go. Because how could I pledge myself to a man, cheat on him (or he cheat on me) then expect the dynamic of our relationship to ever be the same? Maybe me or he would have learned from that experience and decided that the marriage was worth much more than an affair, but either way, I'd still have a problem with the trust factor. I love my husband very much, but if there's no trust, there's no true basis for a relationship where trust is fundamental ...
have you been married a good while, and just learned of this? I imagine the hurt is very fresh, if that's the case ...
I wish I was where you was, and had found out sooner about my XW cheating 2 months into the marriage, and had been given the opportunity to kill the marriage in infancy. But no... I found out the true nature of it seven years and two children later.
Get out now, while you can do so relatively unscathed. She doesn't care about you, has no respect for you, and her word isn't worth *****. Don't bind your life to somebody like her.
__________________
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
A little background. We were married in June 2003 and moved 2 hours away from her family (and ex.). Almost from the start, she was calling her ex. on her cellphone even though he has very little to do with their son. I suspected that she had sex with him in August 2003 and the phone calls continued until Jan. 2004 when I laid down the law. After that, we begin to have a pretty decent marriage. But I always suspected that she had had sex with him in Aug. and possibly in Dec. (6 months after our marriage). However, I could not keep it out of my mind what had probably happened and would occasionally quiz her about these thoughts of mine. Finally, in Feb. of this year, she told me that they had indeed had sex twice, once in Aug. 2003 and again in Dec. 2003. She has told me her reasons for her infidelities but they make little sense. I basically think that I was just her 2nd choice after he boke things off with her whenever they found out she was pregnant.
We have no children together. We have been going to counseling sporadically with mixed results. The reason: What it all boils down to is this: DO I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THE TYPE OF WOMAN WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? I just can't see how anybody with any self-esteem or pride could stay in such a marriage, but here I am still in it. I guess that says volumes about my self-esteem, which, by the way, is non-existent.
Ok, marriage should be a big step, a big committment. For a lot of people these days it's just a formality. People marry after they've had kids, they have kids and don't marry, they get married after living together for 20 years. When I told a friend about my H's affair while we were married, she told me about her and her husband's cheating before they got married (they were together about 8 years before marrying). Her take was: your H did it after the wedding, we did it before.
Now, I am know I am probably going to cause a huge argument here but there are other things to consider. The first is that you have obviously stayed for 2 months so your gut reaction was not to chuck her out or leave. The second is that it takes around 2 years to get over an affair so 2 months is not long. Can I ask:
How long were you together before you married?
What was your wife's behaviour like during this time?
What are the reasons for the affair?
How long did the affair go on for?
Has your wife been honest?
Is your wife remorseful?
Are there any reasons for staying?
I can't even make love to my wife anymore, even using Viagra. Our sex life has been rather sparse since my confirmation of her having sex twice with her ex. at 2 months and at 6 months into our marriage.
I can't help feeling that she is comparing me to him sexually and he wins out (he is "larger" than me and I just feel so f---ing inadequate). She won't talk about the affair and when we go to counseling the onus is on me moving on with our marriage.
I just feel deep in my heart that I don't know anything but the surface facts and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep and feel like there is so much more that she is not telling me.
We tried to have sex tonight but I couldn't even get an erection. I don't know what else to do. I am taking Lexapro to help with the obsessive thoughts but they are still there.
Is it time to call it quits?
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd August 2005 at 4:16 AM..
Reason: Added Courtesy Spacing
Originally posted by dsancious
I can't even make love to my wife anymore, even using Viagra. Our sex life has been rather sparse since my confirmation of her having sex twice with her ex. at 2 months and at 6 months into our marriage.
I can't help feeling that she is comparing me to him sexually and he wins out (he is "larger" than me and I just feel so f---ing inadequate). She won't talk about the affair and when we go to counseling the onus is on me moving on with our marriage.
I just feel deep in my heart that I don't know anything but the surface facts and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep and feel like there is so much more that she is not telling me.
We tried to have sex tonight but I couldn't even get an erection. I don't know what else to do. I am taking Lexapro to help with the obsessive thoughts but they are still there.
Is it time to call it quits?
In my opinion it is time to throw in the towel. But if you want to try and fix it you will need counselling, together and possibly seperate. I would tell her what you've said here. Communication could go a long ways. Prepare for the worst though.
Originally posted by dsancious
I can't even make love to my wife anymore, even using Viagra. Our sex life has been rather sparse since my confirmation of her having sex twice with her ex. at 2 months and at 6 months into our marriage.
I can't help feeling that she is comparing me to him sexually and he wins out (he is "larger" than me and I just feel so f---ing inadequate). She won't talk about the affair and when we go to counseling the onus is on me moving on with our marriage.
I just feel deep in my heart that I don't know anything but the surface facts and it is driving me crazy. I can't sleep and feel like there is so much more that she is not telling me.
We tried to have sex tonight but I couldn't even get an erection. I don't know what else to do. I am taking Lexapro to help with the obsessive thoughts but they are still there.
Is it time to call it quits?
Just slow down. You seem to be in a hurry to get everything done fast. First of all, there is no pressure on you to have a sex life at this moment. It is hardly surprising that you can't do it, given what you have just found out. As for her ex being bigger, well big deal! Most woman will tell you that being 'large' does not guarantee anything, it's just a small bit of a bigger picture.
These do not seem to be the root problems here though - I would hazard a guess that the main problem is the fact that your wife won't talk. She won't talk - you think there's more to it, you are suspicious and doubtful and probably resentful because you feel she has 'got away with it'. It is not time to quit yet, but it will be if she goes on not talking. That is not acceptable, considering what she has done. Let her know how you feel. Let her know that you are close to giving up. But make sure she knows what she can do to change it.
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