Need a reality check: leaving me alone in the house

km · 14th August 2005, 6:43 PM

Okay, without going into the history of my relationship, or my husband's personality, or the dynamics of our marriage, I'm asking for a reality check: it's just the two of us in a little, quiet, isolated, remote house. Am I unreasonable to be ticked off when he leaves the house without telling me he's going somewhere? It's not that I need to know WHERE he's going (though, in MY mind, there really shouldn't be any reason he wouldn't want to) -- but, when I am looking for him and he's just GONE, that always freaks me out a little. He'll just jump in his truck and go visit a friend -- it's always a short visit but, isn't it kind of weird to EVADE just saying, "Hey, hon, I'm going out for a minute!" before leaving?

Or is that just me being overly sensitive? I admit -- I feel a little left out when I'm not told what's going on.

binturong · 14th August 2005, 6:59 PM

He should tell you when he's going somewhere. I'll even go a step farther and say that he should give you an estimate of when he'll be back. It's not about you being controlling, it's about him having some consideration.

SoftDrink · 14th August 2005, 7:07 PM

i agree with binturong.

it's odd that he would just leave.

it doesn't sound like you're being overprotective or that you have issues with him. it just sounds like he needs to learn some common courtesy.

i live with my boyfriend, and if i leave, i tell him where i'm going. even if he's in the shower, i'll knock and say "going to the store, be right back, do you need anything?" and then "okay, i might be about an hour, i have my cell if you need me or think of something you want."

that way, he knows where i am (in case something happens and i don't come back for some reason, he can at least know where my destination was and where to look for me--or to tell the police...yikes!)

and not only that, i don't want him looking for me and thinking "wtf?!"

it's a little thing called COMMUNICATION. few relationships survive without it.

it just makes sense that he would at least let you know he's going somewhere.

are you sure he's going to a friend's? maybe next time you should drive up to the friends and say "i didn't know where you were, so i thought i'd look for you here. i'm on the way to store, is there anything you need? and by the way, this wouldn't have been such a hassle if you had said you were leaving, i would have asked what you needed or wanted before this."

or just start leaving on your own, in say, the early morning hours. let him wake up and wonder where you are...what's good for the goose and all that.

loony · 15th August 2005, 5:15 AM

Your marriage sucks, am I right? My dad is like that, he'll just leave and do what he wants to do and yes, my parents' marriage sucks in many other ways as well.

whichwayisup · 15th August 2005, 11:52 AM

It's just respect to let eachother know these things so there is no worrying. He should understand this and not take it as "nitpicking" or you having to know where he is going.

I always tell my H where I am, I ask him too, we call eachother too if either of us are going to be late.

We've both been on the receiving end of worrying where the other person is. One time I forgot to call to say I was going out after work to get groceries (was working till 8pm, store closes at 10pm) I got home around 9:15 or so, he was worried sick!!! Apparently had called work and they said "She left over an hour ago!" Well, needless to say, we had a talk...lol. He's done almost the exact same thing (except it involved a computer store and Home Depot!!) So, yeah, he got it right away when he saw my face as he pulled up the driveway. Lesson learned.

Talk to him and tell him how it freaks you out, even more so because you're living in such a remote place.

Baldy · 16th August 2005, 9:55 AM

I totally agree with what everyone is saying

My girlfriend is the same. She will just go to a neighbours, go to the shops etc. without saying a word. it's not like I'm busy and she can't tell me. Sometimes she will do it when I'm sat in the living room and she just walks past the doorway and goes out without saying a word. We had a loud debate about this only recently!

It's not that I think she is up to anything it's just bloody rude!!!

Just out of interest, how would your husband react if you just walked out and went off for a while? If he's like my girlfriend he won't like it... one rule for them, one rule for us

weekell75 · 19th August 2005, 10:13 AM

Is he a secret smoker by any chance?
I know someone who did that once, and the behaviour you describe is a carbon copy.

RecordProducer · 19th August 2005, 9:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by km
but, when I am looking for him and he's just GONE, that always freaks me out a little. He'll just jump in his truck and go visit a friend -- it's always a short visit but, isn't it kind of weird to EVADE just saying, "Hey, hon, I'm going out for a minute!" before leaving?
Or is that just me being overly sensitive?

ABSOLUTELY NOT! You're right, he is supposed to tell you every time he leaves the house. He doesn't need to tell you he went out to smoke a cigarette, but if he jumps in his truck and leaves the house, he is supposed to tell you that. I live with my mom and even if I go out to check the mail and throw the garbage I tell her that I'll be back in 5 min. My ex-husband was always telling me too.

He should not only tell you that he is leaving but also where he is going and when he will be back. "I don't know when I will be back" is also an answer, he doesn't need to give you specific time, but it would be kind of him to let you know as closest as possible. Everybody does that and it's a part of the marriage codex.