Oh no, me again?! Sorry guys, but I've been thinking (sigh, as usual) and my silly 'lil mind has come up with more questions yet AGAIN.
I think most of you know my story. If not, I'll post a quick summary of it if you want me to.
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. Its hard to start off like that because most people automatically assume "Ok, case closed, its over, HE broke up with you, so HE doesn't care anymore." Wrong. We were doing (for the most part, obviously there were some issues) perfectly fine until I cheated on him. So, if I didn't do that, we would still be together right now, and still planning to move to Japan together next year. Ain't life peachy??
We still keep in contact, mostly online. It seems obvious to me that he still wants me around, because he'll be the one to text me, or suggest to hang out or ask if he can call. So, good signs, yes? BUT (everyone's favorite word) he makes no signs or hints at wanting me back as a girlfriend...right now, anyway. Says he is not ready yet. Doesn't know what he wants yet. Recently said that he wants to work on mending things and taking small steps at a time by doing so. Sounds good to me. Alot more than I deserve, right?
I know most of you suggested not to read his dumb myspace (I can't help it though! I have one too and he added me as a buddy...) Well, he stopped "flirting" with that 17 yr old, and he even writes about me in his blogs! Sorta. He wrote about one night we were talking online and he put this :
...Sometimes, Life is hard. Things don't go as planned, and things get in the way. But, once one realizes that it just takes a second to go around or change course, life becomes that much easier. I'm so excited to start school and get ready for the big move, I don't have a lot of time to worry about a lot of the small stuff anymore. I talked to ***** for a long time tonight, and while it may have been upsetting at times, or frustrating to try to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, it was good. It was great. It was beneficial to get things out there and even lay out all the problems that were there and then hopefully try to solve things one step at a time....
I really didn't know how to take that but overall I think it sounds ok...
Well, it get to the point, I was thinking about the other break we took about one year ago (I had failed to mention this in my other posts). We planned on visiting Japan together but we had a huge fight about a month before hand. (we used to have dumb little fights all the time) I have to warn you, back then, I was VERY VERY stupid when arguing. When we were having a fight, I would say "fine, lets take a break" and he would immediately try to fix things and apologize. Soon, I began using that line as a way to fix things, so to speak. Terrible, I know, but that was a while ago so I'm not like that anymore. Well, of course, like anyone else, he got sick of it one day and instead of getting scared and trying to mend things he said "fine, we're taking a break." This freaked me out of course, because I wasn't expecting that at all. I did the usual begging and pleading but that did not work. We didn't see eachother for a few weeks, and would only talk by phone (I was the one who called, always.) Then the issue of the trip to Japan came up. We had already bought our tickets. What to do? It had already been a few weeks since the break up. Well, we went together anyways. We were there for about 28 days. I thought it would have been torture to be there with him, all day every single day, only as a friend but fortunately it wasn't, luckily Japan is a very entertaining, distracting place. But thats not to say I didn't grill him about US every day. Every single day I asked him about our status and what was going to happen. In the beginning he would always answer "I don't know." But with more time passed, it seemed like the chances of us getting back together were high. I think we had about three days left there, when I broke down crying, basically saying "you're not going to take me back, the trip is almost over, I really wanted to come here as a couple, I wanted to hold hands and do couple things, etc..." He didn't really respond with anything, basically said the usual, give it time. Well, I think it was the next day when we were in our hostel, and we were both sitting on his bed and I don't remember how it started, but we were kissing (which lead to ahem, other things
) before I knew it! Afterwards, when we were done with our crying and our "I'm sorry!" we went out, and he held my hand and gave me a smile that I will remember forever.
So, that break lasted about 2 months. If he took a 2 month break from me because of how immaturely I handled things and because I was very clingy, then would taking a 4+ month break from me CHEATING make sense? I dunno, I kinda think it does. Alot of people here say that he should know what he wants by now but I dunno...I CHEATED on him. I hurt him in the worst way possible. If I were him I wouldn't know if I would take me back so soon either. But geez, I really do want him to give me another chance...
( Please don't automatically assume I'm a bad person because I cheated, its not the kinda cheating you might be thinking, where I was being sneaky and had another relationship and had all kinds of sex 'n stuff. I mean, I still did a bad thing but I don't know if its exactly the same kind that most people think.)
I'm acting the complete opposite from the way I did from our last break. Last break, all I did was whine and call him non-stop. Now, though I do grill him with questions about the future often, I don't call him or text him unless he does it first, or show up at his house or anything like that. Its weird, from the last break, it seemed like me hounding him and pressuring him worked. But that was a while ago, and this is a completely different situation, so I don't think I am going to go down that route. I'd like to think I've matured a little bit...just a little bit.
So I guess I was wondering what other people got out of this. Does it sound like there is still hope?
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