[Zephyr45]

Looking for advice on how to approach this situation. Here's the details:

I met a girl on a dating site and we've been talking for almost a month now. I'd say we've hit it off and we were both interested in meeting each other. Eventually we were discussing how we should go out for ice cream and it was then I dropped the apparent bombshell that I live 1 to 1.5 hours away (not quite sure yet, don't know her exact location) which was further than she realized. After getting to the bottom of it, it turns out that this is "too far" a distance for her to be dating someone, and that it was "a problem for her," that she needs to be close to someone. (This is not due to transportation related issues, we both have vehicles well capable of making the piddly hour long drive) However, she did say the distance was not a problem for just friends.

Now, I'd rather she lived next door too, but I'm really having trouble seeing eye to eye on this. I'd think being an hour to an hour and a half apart would be easily managable. Additionally, and most importantly, I'd think that after we do become friends that if there is some attraction to start dating, she could waive the distance issue because if you like/love someone, you tend to find a way to get around any obstacles.

So I guess some of my questions are:

1. Should I bother being "just friends" with her? (I actually think we would make great friends. And at the moment I don't have any true emotional/physical feelings for her yet because we've yet to meet in person.)

2. If we do agree to be friends, do I have a right to carefully suggest she get over the distance deal, and consider me as potential boyfriend? This would include anything from light flirting to outright trying to convince her to change her mind.

3. Do you think there's any chance she would change her mind on her own? Say we meet, become friends and soon after she just realizes that I'm too good to pass up, the distance isn't a problem anymore?

4. Just curious- do you agree that being 1-1.5 hours away is significant and side with her point of view? Or do you think that this really shouldn't be an issue?

Thanks for your input.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Think about it.. and hour and a half is to far..

Friday night date.. 3 hours driving to and from
Saturday night date 3 hours driving to and from

Let's say that on a saturday you need to pick her up for lunch.. 3 hours to and from then you decide to go to dinner.. 3 hours to and from.. A total of 6 driving hours in one day..

You can't schedule around it as easy as you think you can.. What about the times that the traffic is bad.. 5 hours to and from in one day for one date

[Zephyr45]

I see your point, but it seems like you are considering the extreme. Of course it's not ideal, but surely we could plan things better than you have suggested. To tell you the truth, our work schedules conflict enough anway to prevent any back to back date, whether it be twice in a day or two days in a row. Then once you dispurse the travel load between the both of us, and employ strategic dates in a 3rd town (the big city of the three) that's closer to each of us, seems manageable.

But maybe I'm so used to traveling an hour minimum to go to this said 3rd town for fun and to visit friends/family, my distance perception is off? And I admit to ignorance, I've not dated someone this "far" away before.

[FataMorgana]

I don't think 1-1.5 hours drive is too far... But I live in one big bad city where it takes you over 1 hour to get to work everyday and I don't ever plan to get together with anyone ever (talking friends here ) without expecting to have to drive for at least 1 to 2 hours out of my way to make it happen.

But it depends on circumstances I guess of what you're used to.
As you said, it doesn't seem much to you, but it might seem mad to her if she hasn't done it before.

I think you should perservere if you like her, if things do go well meeting half way and even just as friends, before you know it she'll be used to that and it won't seem like such a big deal anymore ( hopefully without you having to say so )

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by FataMorgana
I think you should perservere if you like her, if things do go well meeting half way and even just as friends, before you know it she'll be used to that and it won't seem like such a big deal anymore ( hopefully without you having to say so )

I do agree with this as well though.. Perhaps maybe my previous relationship that I had that live a little over an hour has warped my perception a little.

I think that you guys would have to do alot of meeting each other half way kinda stuff..
In my previous ldr she had me do all the driving and we alway's stayed at her house.. The driving was killing me.. If I got off work at 7 then I didn't get to her house till 8:30 besides the fact that I was already beat from work and driving she was no longer hungry and I hadn't gotten anything to eat..
If I didn't stay at her house then I would leave her house around 11-12 ( i got to be with her for 3 hrs)
and be home around 1-1:30 am just to be in bed for a 6:00 work schedule.
This got old and I started to resent her and ultimatly broke up with her

It can be done if both parties want to make the sacrifice..
But she has already said she will not do it.. End of story

[westernxer]

An hour is to far to drive with an erection...

[FataMorgana]

lucky some of us dont' have that problem

[seagirl]

I think if you two are really into each other then its not too far and hey if you are willing to give being friends a shot then go for it. One word of advice though, do not start talking to her about giving up the distance thing and consider you for a boyfriend until the friendship is firmly planted and you also know that you want things to go further, otherwise she will just think you agreed to the friend thing with an ulterior motive!

[Star Gazer]

I agree with the girl. If you're farther than 25-30 minutes from me without traffic, you're too far. The beginning stages of dating are supposed to be easy, carefree, spontaneous, etc. You just can't have that sort of relationship when your SO is so far away!

[noname]

i think that maybe you should stick to the friendship thing for right now. an hour to hour and a half is not that serious. maybe a little pain in the *ss but doable. she may be very needy though and want you within a fifteen minute reponse radius or something. get to know her a little before you even think about dating her though. you never know who you are dealing with. she may want to be close enough to keep tabs on you. in which case who wants to drive three hours just to stalk someone when you can find prey somewhere in your own city. seriously though. if she wants to date you, the distance shouldn't matter. maybe she is trying to politely tell you, let's be friends...

[Zephyr45]

Thanks for the input everyone.

I think I will divert all my dating related attention elsewhere, but I'm gonna see how the friends thing goes, keeping it mostly to internet buddy and hang out every now and then when it's not out of the way type of thing. Of course, feelings may be subject to change in either direction once we meet in person, if we do.

she may be very needy though and want you within a fifteen minute reponse radius or something.

Hehe, that occured to me and the thought of it sort of scares me.

seriously though. if she wants to date you, the distance shouldn't matter. maybe she is trying to politely tell you, let's be friends...

It's certainly possible she just wants to be friends and this is an excuse. I'd really be surprised if this was the case, however. I don't really know how one can make a distinction between desire as a SO or just a friend by only chatting online, though. I sure as hell can't - need some sort of human contact to develop those feelings. The one thing I can't account for if the possibility that she met someone else close by that she wants to start dating.

I'll try the casual friends thing and see how it goes.