Quick question about addictions/drugs and relationships

baltimoregirl42 · 26th July 2005, 4:48 PM

Quick question about drugs and relationships: If you are in a relationship with someone who has an addiction, it has caused problems between the two of you for a loooong time, he promises multiple times to stop, he tells you he loves you more than anything, knows that it upsets you, yet continues to use and lie about it despite promises to stop (many times)......

Does this mean that the person doesn't really love you/your relationship, or that they are just powerless to stop something as powerful as an addiction?

Never being an addict myself, I'm not sure about this. Any thoughts?

whichwayisup · 26th July 2005, 4:53 PM

It means the drugs always come first, no matter WHAT. That means he'll take drugs over what he feels for you.

Maybe it's time to let him be, if his drug use is causing you problems in the relationship he need to quit the drugs and get help or you need to decide what you want. He isn't the same person he was before the drugs and it will only get worse.

My friend 2 years ago had to break up with her bf because of his drug use. It ruined everything and sadly he is still doing drugs, ruining his own life. She's wonderful, met someone new and is so happy.

Merin · 26th July 2005, 4:55 PM

Addiction doesn't work that way.

When a person is addicted to a substance IMO IF or WHEN they make the choice to stop using and get some help it needs to be because it's what they want or desire to do for themself.

I don't believe it is a reflection on how he/she feels about you.. it is more a reflection on how they feel about using and/or themselves.

Addiction to drugs and/or alcohol can be a hard thing to over come even when the person using wants that for themself and is seeking help/treatment on thier own desire to do so.. so I would say that trying to get a person to stop using because it is your desire would be next to impossible.

I'm sure there are cases where people have lost loves over thier use, and perhaps it took hitting bottom and loosing to inspire them to seek out help.. but again IMO if a person doesn't really see that they are doing anything wrong and doesn't have any desire to stop your wanting that for them (or for you) isn't a good plan.

IhavenoFREAKINclue · 26th July 2005, 4:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by baltimoregirl42
Quick question about drugs and relationships: If you are in a relationship with someone who has an addiction, it has caused problems between the two of you for a loooong time, he promises multiple times to stop, he tells you he loves you more than anything, knows that it upsets you, yet continues to use and lie about it despite promises to stop (many times)......

Does this mean that the person doesn't really love you/your relationship, or that they are just powerless to stop something as powerful as an addiction?

Never being an addict myself, I'm not sure about this. Any thoughts?

I agree w/ WWIU. The drug comes first and that's all that matters. You have to get into a mind of an addict to really understand as to why the drug comes first, but it always does. He may love you. But he loves you second. Drugs are powerful. Just get out now. I'm a product of a drug addict father. My mother was naive and in love with him. And before you know it she's pregnant and stuck with us while my dad was out getting high. Get out now before you have kids and your too deep in. He'll say he'll change. My father died with a needle in his arm. For 20 years he said he'd stop. He never did. And my life got screwed up b/c of it.

whichwayisup · 26th July 2005, 5:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

I agree w/ WWIU. The drug comes first and that's all that matters. You have to get into a mind of an addict to really understand as to why the drug comes first, but it always does. He may love you. But he loves you second. Drugs are powerful. Just get out now. I'm a product of a drug addict father. My mother was naive and in love with him. And before you know it she's pregnant and stuck with us while my dad was out getting high. Get out now before you have kids and your too deep in. He'll say he'll change. My father died with a needle in his arm. For 20 years he said he'd stop. He never did. And my life got screwed up b/c of it.

I'm sorry to hear that. Must have been real rough for you. Hugs...

New_Wife · 26th July 2005, 5:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by baltimoregirl42
Does this mean that the person doesn't really love you/your relationship, or that they are just powerless to stop something as powerful as an addiction?

December of 1996 is when I got clean.

Before that, I loved my kids. I loved my boyfriend (at the time) and I loved my family. But those magic Rx bottles were akin to oxygen to me.

He may love you more than his life itself, but odds are, if he's an addict - that's not saying much.

You learn to love, and what love really is, only when you get clean, face up to whatever led you to use in the first place, and fight your way to a life worth living. It's not that you don't want to before that - it's that you just can't. Like speaking Portugese. I'd sure like to, but I don't know how.

Al-anon is a wonderful fellowship for families and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. Nar-anon is smaller, and sometimes harder to find, but is strictly for families of addicts. If you google them, and find a phone number in your area, most of them will have someone who can just talk to you on the phone about what you are feeling.

You CANNOT change him. You can learn how to cope yourself - whatever you decide to do with this relationship.

baltimoregirl42 · 26th July 2005, 5:35 PM

I lost a high school boyfriend to drugs years after we last saw each other, but I hadn't realized until I met my current bf how strong addictions can be. I've never dated anyone with an addiction before. (I can't count my HS bf, as he wasn't using much at all when I was close to him and I didn't really witness the effects of drugs when we were together).

New_Wife · 26th July 2005, 6:02 PM

Be careful. The addict has his drugs, and you have the addict. Each can be its own addiction. That is: you know it's bad for you, but you just can't stop.

Again, I highly recommend looking into Alanon or Nar-anon. They won't tell you what to do. Just how to survive your emotions while you figure it out.

baltimoregirl42 · 26th July 2005, 6:21 PM

I never knew being with someone with a drug addiction could be so hard, emotionally and physically.

It's exhausting.

Just Visiting · 27th July 2005, 3:59 PM

Three months into the relationship, my bf came to me one night and confessed that he has been addicted to tylenol/codeine and zoplicone (sleeping pills). Apparently it started about the mid-90s from a sport-related injury. In Canada, you can buy tylenol w/codeine over the counter at any grocery or drug store. A few days before he confessed, I noticed quite a few empty pill bottles around the apartment. I was suspicious, but glad that he came to me first about it.

It broke my heart knowing that the person I cared for had this disease. I considered walking out of the relationship, but seeing how serious he was about healing, I stayed. I said point blank that the only way we can continue the relationship is if he works to overcome the addiction, and that he doesn't hide anything. It has been about 5+ months and things have been going well. He has been able to find the strength needed through religion, work, and relationships.

I am aware that there is the potential for him to relapse. And to be honest, it scares me to death. He knows it too. Luckily, we have been able to communicate well. We have talked about having a family. And I stated that we cannot have a family unless we are drug-free.

Baltimoregirl, my heart cries for you. I understand how scary it can be. Like the other posters have said, your bf has to want to quit for himself. No amount of threats, crying, withholding is going to change that. Be prepared to the leave the situation. You have said that he says he wants to quit, but doesn't back it up with actions. I think your bf really cares for you, but he is not ready to get well. As much as it hurts, don't take it personally (I know that sounds kinda dumb). Addiction has a life of it's own.

shamen · 28th July 2005, 2:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by baltimoregirl42
I never knew being with someone with a drug addiction could be so hard, emotionally and physically.

It's exhausting.

It is, and it's just plain painful. I finally left my bf after 4 and 1/2 years for the second time in January. I was so depressed. I'm glad that I did it. He is still using drugs.