My wife has been having an affair for about 6 months. We started going to MC, but she is still seeing the OM. I have been hesitant to work things out because of this and she feels that if I would be willing to work it out she would stop seeing him. A few days ago she told me that she might be pregnant and that it is the OM child.
Exactly when is all hope clompletely lost for a marriage, is it when the affair won't end or when your wife is pregnant by another man? Or is that still not enough?
Excuse me, but rumor has it that your wife is not married to the man she has an affair with. But to you.
To be in a good marriage requires a lot of work, and to save a marriage requires even more work. With a disinterested attitude your wife has shown, not to mention even bothering about birth control when she is with her OM, I can picture all to well that it is feeling hopeless. She has shown a clear lack of willingness to work on the marriage. She is having her cake and eating it too, and has the audacity to demand of you that you put the icing on the cake.
That must absolutely stop. It means that all contact with OM has to cease, and if she is not willing to do that, you are fighting a completely hopeless cause.
Your hesitation is understandable. You will have to deal with the idea, that your wife is a completely different woman, of whom you once thought that she would never do this, but now she has done that. The fact that you may be at home, wondering what your wife is up to now again, does not increase your motivation, your fighting spirit, now does it?
She is not interested in saving the marriage, and you can't save it alone. I would say, enough is enough, and end the marriage. Hire a good lawyer, to make certain that your best interests are well looked after.
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Last edited by d'Arthez; 25th July 2005 at 9:50 AM.
Originally posted by d'Arthez
She is not interested in saving the marriage, and you can't save it alone. I would say, enough is enough, and end the marriage. Hire a good lawyer, to make certain that your best interests are well looked after.
From my experience, my H did not continue the physical affair but continued telephone and e-mail contact with OW. We had started counselling and even the therapist said there is really no point in working towards resolution of the marriage until H makes a decision. I had to step back and he left, even though we only separated for a few days it made a difference. Once he came back he had two slip ups with no contact that were crushing to me but we have moved on it is getting better.
I think you may need to step out of the mess until she makes her decision. What does she plan to do if she is pregnant? Does she say she wants to be married to you?
Sorry that you have had to go through this and the thought of a potential child must be heart breaking. Hang in there.
Her primary interest lies with that OM. She has prioritized him over you and over your marriage. If you and your marriage were the higher ones on that priority list, then she would have agreed to go 'no contact' with the OM. MC has been a waste of your time.
She continued her relationship with him, tricked you into believing that you are the one who needs to work on the marriage, and now she is pregnant with his child. Should you decide to stay married to her, OM will continue to be in your life in some way or other for the rest of your life with her - and its very likely that's exactly what your W wants. So, you have a choice: stay in a marriage which involves your W, the man she is in love with, and their child - or cut your losses and walk away.
You can spend the rest of your life in this hell, or you can walk away from it - and try to put your head and heart back together and ready yourself for finding someone with whom you can share happiness and enjoy life, rather than "survive" through it.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
I'm so confused, my tells me last week she might be pregnant with OM child. Now she is telling me she is probably not pregnant. She went to the doctors, but the test results have not come back yet. Can someone please explain to me exactly why she would tell me she's pregnant without going to the doctor to confirm it first?
Regardless of the result of the test, I've had enough and want out. I feel bad though and I am finding it hard to leave. We've been together for 10 yrs and have been married for 5 yrs. After a few sessions of MC, individual therapy, and talking to other people, I have yet to find away to forgive her. Granted she continues to lie and have an affair and I am lucky enough to find new things out every couple of weeks. She has not lived with me for 3 months and I have no desire to have her move back home, or for that matter be intimate with her. I find her attractive but I can't get her and OM out of my head and just looking at her makes me upset and angry.
I feel as if I owe it to her to try and work things out. I try to tell her I want a divorce and she gets upset and I feel guilty like it's all my fault. Why do I feel this way? I know I still love her but I don't feel the same way about her, I don't feel like a husband should feel about his wife.
I'm so confused, my tells me last week she might be pregnant with OM child. Now she is telling me she is probably not pregnant. She went to the doctors, but the test results have not come back yet. Can someone please explain to me exactly why she would tell me she's pregnant without going to the doctor to confirm it first?
She probably missed her period and that got her thinking she was pregnant. She shouldn't have said anything until she knew for sure. Hearing that news definately stirred things up alot more. Problem is, she ISN'T thinking, period. Your wife isn't the same person, she isn't thinking straight, she's addicted to the feelings this OM gives her. She may think she's inlove with him, but she more than likely isn't. She's loving the crush-lust feelings. That isn't inlove. She loves you, she just has buried those feelings because of him.
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Regardless of the result of the test, I've had enough and want out. I feel bad though and I am finding it hard to leave. We've been together for 10 yrs and have been married for 5 yrs. After a few sessions of MC, individual therapy, and talking to other people, I have yet to find away to forgive her. Granted she continues to lie and have an affair and I am lucky enough to find new things out every couple of weeks. She has not lived with me for 3 months and I have no desire to have her move back home, or for that matter be intimate with her. I find her attractive but I can't get her and OM out of my head and just looking at her makes me upset and angry.
This must be so hard for you and I"m glad to hear you're seeing someone one your own.
She has to decide who she wants. You and the marriage or him. She can't have her cake and eat it too.
Until she puts 100% into you, her going to MC is pointless as her focus isn't there. It should be, but isn't. And she has to end it with him if she plans on working things out with you.
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I feel as if I owe it to her to try and work things out. I try to tell her I want a divorce and she gets upset and I feel guilty like it's all my fault. Why do I feel this way? I know I still love her but I don't feel the same way about her, I don't feel like a husband should feel about his wife.
Don't feel guilty, try not to. She is the one messing around, NOT YOU. She's making you feel bad, keeping you waiting in the wings so she can experience the otherside of the fence. That's not fair to you! Ofcourse you don't feel like a husband to her, why should you? The trust is out the window and she's hurting you by being with this OM.
Sadly, the ball is in her court unless you file for D. If she isn't willing to work with you to fix things and make it up to you, how long do you intend on living this rollercoaster? Put yourself first, not her. She really doesn't seem too concerned about your pain, so why should you be concerned with hers? Until she can show in ACTIONS, not words, that she is ready to be with you, don't put any extra energy into her. Again, she isn't thinking clearly and until she takes a huge step back and rids her feeling for the OM, things won't change for the better.
Originally posted by whichwayisup
Sadly, the ball is in her court unless you file for D. If she isn't willing to work with you to fix things and make it up to you, how long do you intend on living this rollercoaster? Put yourself first, not her. She really doesn't seem too concerned about your pain, so why should you be concerned with hers? Until she can show in ACTIONS, not words, that she is ready to be with you, don't put any extra energy into her. Again, she isn't thinking clearly and until she takes a huge step back and rids her feeling for the OM, things won't change for the better.
Well heres the thing, I stopped putting energy into it and spend little time with her. She tells me that this is driving a wedge between us and I am forcing her to go to OM. She wants to go to MC and fix our marriage but continues to see him. To make matters worse he lives 1,000 miles away and she still manages to see him a couple times a month, not to mention talk on the phone daily. I have told her numerous times that she needs to stop contact and really prove to me that nothing is more important to her then our marriage, once I believe this to be true then things may get better.
Erratic, I am going through something very similar. I too feel pain and anguish at my partner's behavior. Why do we keep trying? I think you are lucky that she is not living with you. Could you firmly close the door on this and move on? Maybe stay in counseling for yourself. Good luck.
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Today, I will not seek the shadowy region...E.B.
Originally posted by Erratic
Exactly when is all hope clompletely lost for a marriage, is it when the affair won't end or when your wife is pregnant by another man? Or is that still not enough?
It depends on the person, for me personally it ends with the affair.
But for someone who wants to work it out I think it ends when they realize the other person isn't going to change and isn't accepting full responsibility for their actions. And is unwilling to work on it.
She is full of ****, she is blaming you for why she won't give him up. You should of threw her out of the house when she refused. And then began to file papers. The problem was you allowed her to do this to you by being weak. Cheaters rarely stop for love or guilt, they stop when they are forced to make a choice. Its possible she would of still stayed with him but at least you wouldn't of wasted 6 months of you life.
At this point I think you should throw in the towel. Now that there's a baby there is no hope of her cutting him out of her life. Cheaters cannot have contact with the person they cheated with, and now that there is a baby she will always have contact. Divorce her while you still have your testicles and a bit of self respect.
You seem like a nice guy, you can do better than this worthless slut who claims to be a wife.
I think she could be lying about the baby to manipulate you. Dude seriously grow some balls and throw her out the house. She's the one who cheated you have all the power and you're giving it to her.
I agree with Sal, I think she is manipulating you with the potential baby. Good grief, how about a flippen home preg. test. I do not know any women that went straight to the doctor prior to doing a home test and confirming it that way. As my Grandmother used to say (rest her soul) get on your jogging shoes and run, run away!
Originally posted by lynnspies1
I agree with Sal, I think she is manipulating you with the potential baby. Good grief, how about a flippen home preg. test. I do not know any women that went straight to the doctor prior to doing a home test and confirming it that way. As my Grandmother used to say (rest her soul) get on your jogging shoes and run, run away!
Lynn
She took a home pregnancy test, the result was positive. A month later she told me she was pregnant, I flipped out and told her I never wanted to speak to her again and that we are getting divorced. It's been a few days since she told me and I continue to tell her this, but she insists on contacting me. I'm assuming because of my reaction she changed her story to I might be pregnant and I will go to the doctors to be certian. I'm not a women so I can't be for sure, but if I were and I was pregnant with my boyfriends baby, I don't think it would take me a month to confirm with a doctor, especially if a home test was positive and MY HUSBAND didn't know yet.
Any way, the test results should back in a few days and I think regardless of the result I'm leaving. There's only so much abuse one can take and if nothing else at least I found out how much is enough for me.
She is totally humliating and disrespecting you. She continues to have unprotected sex with her lover putting you at risk for STD's. You would have to be out of your mind to remain with her. Why would you wish to be married to a woman who has a lover on the side and engages in unprotected sex? Surely you can do better than this. I wish you luck.
I agree, she is playing you for a fool. I am sorry you are going through all this, it's he!!. She wants you and the OM and she just can't have both, she needs to realize this.
As for her saying she is pg and says the test results haven't come in yet, I find that hard to believe. I don't know about every doctor but I had both of my pregnancies confirmed by my doctors the same day I took the test. In fact it only took a few hours for the nurse to call me to tell me my results. It doesn't take that long for the results.
You have to do what you feel, but I would stop going to MC, you are waisting your money for her. She doesn't care at this point. Tell her until she knows what she wants, you or the OM to stay the he!! away from you (unless you have children).
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