[kismet]

My new husband has 4 kids; 10, 12, 14 and 17. He and their mother went through a difficult divorce and there is a lot of bitterness on her part, which she is passing on to their kids. His oldest two won't see him at all, and the younger two he sees occasionally; his visitation is every other weekend, but at their discretion.

Their mother manipulates the kids constantly; he was told by his oldest to "f--- off" from inside the front door on Father's Day when he tried to see them, all because she was angry that the last time he'd called to see the kids, it had been her birthday, and he completely forgot. She claims they "are too sick to see him" almost every time he calls, she doesn't let him talk to them on the phone, she erases messages he leaves for them.

He is heartbroken and misses his children so much, but is starting to wonder how much longer he should keep trying, and when he should just let the kids think for themselves and come to him. Any input?

[Outcast]

Read up on 'parental alienation' (there's lots in Google). There are lots of good ideas on how to deal with these situations. He may need to take her back to court and ask for a psych evaluation of the children and/or the ex-wife. Sadly, embittered women very often try to alienate children from their fathers. He can't give up on them - they need him in their lives.

[sweetserendipity]

What kind of custody agreement do they have? If he has legal visitation and she's going against that, making up lame excuses about the kids not wanting to see him when it's his time to see them, she's breaching that.

What do you think her real beef is? Is she angry at him for the divorce? Whose idea was it to divorce? Is she angry/jealous that he's remarried?

Were you and her (now ex) husband "involved" while they were still married (an affair) and she fully blames the both of you for the marriage ending? Where is all of her resentment coming from?

Maybe he needs to talk to a lawyer about getting a Mediator involved - because of the fact that she's poisoning the minds of the children, against him.

Maybe if both him and her sat down with a Mediator, the REAL reasons for her nastiness would come to light and be worked through?

That's about all I can suggest. It's a horrible sin when exes use their children as a pawn to get back at their ex - they don't realize the hurt and damage they cause. They are dispicable human beings.

[SilentLucidity]

My sister went through the same exact thing with her husband not too long ago. After many attempts to get along with their mother, he finally wrote them all a letter explaining to them his feelings for them, he gave the letters to them individually and in the letter he told them that he does love them and yes the divorce was not a great thing for either of them but that he and their mother did not get along and he felt it was best for them to not live together anymore but that never undercut the love he had for them. He also told the oldest three that he understood their anger but that he would not take their abuse and when they were ready to be a part of his life that he was always there. He never spoke ill about their mother though, two wrongs do not make a right. I spose your new husband could do the same thing.

Thing is when in a divorce things often turn messy, more often than not, and the oldest children will sometimes take sides, especially if they have someone influencing them. You know what though, as soon as they grow up and become adults and mature they will regret it. I'm very sorry to hear you guys are going through this. That woman is in a world of hurt when it comes time for the kids to start thinking for themselves. Goodluck to you.

[Ladyjane14]

I would agree that a letter, written from the heart and given to each child personally, might be a good approach. Dad ought to consider dealing with the children's emotions in those letters, and NOT rehash the events surrounding the divorce.

The use of force through the courts will likely further alienate the children.

They're, all of them, old enough to have developed their own perception of the events surrounding their parent's divorce.....and to have assigned blame. Their mother may, or may not, have influenced them.

Generally speaking, I think it's the knee-jerk reaction of divorced fathers to think that Mom is unduly influencing the children....but that doesn't give the kids enough credit in having developed their own feelings, right or wrong. And worse, it doesn't allow Dad to deal with those feelings quite as effectively, since he believes them to be crafted by someone else.

It doesn't really matter what the real truth is. Perception itself IS the truth.... insomuch as THAT is what must be dealt with.

He should continue to express his desire for visitation, and should take advantage of whatever in-roads he has with his children by seeing them without your presence. (Unfortunately for you, and whatever plans the two of you might have previously made for 'one-big-happy-family', you are bound to be caught up in the children's negative perceptions.)

Some of those children may indeed come around in time. Some may never truly forgive him. All will likely find tolerance for him eventually, if he's willing to excersize patience now. It's sad, but it's the nature of people. Some are just more forgiving than others.

Being a "right-fighter" will not help Dad at all. He may feel that the divorce was in no way his fault. Maybe he's even right about that, who knows?

The kids aren't capable yet of seeing that aspect of it. What the kids see is that Dad allowed their family to be torn apart. It was his job to protect them and to keep that from happening....no matter what. He is the provider and the defender of the family. It won't matter who was right and who was wrong. In this, he has failed.

Time will be the cure. Young people need time to grow and develop maturity in their thinking. Their feelings are genuine enough, right or wrong. But the concepts they are forced to deal with are adult ones. The kids just aren't mature enough to truly understand yet.

Persistance and patience. Both in GREAT quantity will pay off in the end.

Read "Divorce Poison"