[Zapp]

I have been dating a wonderful girl for 3+ years and she took a job in another city for the summer (May-Aug). It is a long drive (8 hours) so we have only seen each other once a month, and she is returning next weekend for 4 days. Another important detail, she knew nobody when she went there, and is a very social person who has lived with her family up until this point (she is a final year student).

Lately the big green jealousy bug has biting my ankles, as she has been hanging out with a male single friend she met in the city she is living in. She has never introduced me, and only gives me general details about him.

She has also grown distant and is showing a lot of the signs of cheating.... ie detachment from my friends and family, mystery friend, picks random fights, talks a lot more independently (living on her own, not getting engaged quite yet), and our sex live has dropped to zero when she does show up. She blames it on her period, but I know her cycle (it is clockwork) and it isn't falling on the days we see each other. The killer is the mystery "friend" who has replaced me in all aspects - she is there every day and every weekend, does all of our couple activities with him, eats with him, etc..

I know she would never physically cheat on me, as I trust her implicitly in that regards; but I am not sure if she has cheated on me (i am not sure if that is the correct way to say it) emotionally. Like her heart is now with someone else. Ack.

The good news is she is coming home at the end of August, but I am worried that that might be too late to repair the damage. I can't tell her not to hang out with the guy, b/c he sounds nice and is likely a good friend. She also doesn't know many people outside of his circle, so she continues to hang out with him.

As I write this I realize that maybe it is simply temporary until she returns and straightens thing out b/w us. We have an open communication relationship, and I don't think she would hide anything from me, but still I worry for the future.

My question: what happened when your significant other returned from the long distance? Did things last, get better, get worse? I just hope someone responds with something similar, as I am pretty sure I am not the only one. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Zapp

[Israfil]

Originally posted by Zapp
I know she would never physically cheat on me, as I trust her implicitly in that regards; but I am not sure if she has cheated on me (i am not sure if that is the correct way to say it) emotionally. Like her heart is now with someone else. Ack.

The good news is she is coming home at the end of August, but I am worried that that might be too late to repair the damage. I can't tell her not to hang out with the guy, b/c he sounds nice and is likely a good friend. She also doesn't know many people outside of his circle, so she continues to hang out with him.

Zapp,

First, have you spoken to her about this situation, about the way her relationship with this “friend” makes you feel? If not, I suggest you do this immediately.

I was in a similar situation where my SO (Significant Other) was just “friends” with another woman. I very much felt the way you did, that he may have been emotionally cheating on me. However, I couldn’t be certain, and I didn’t want to risk my (already tenuous) relationship by making demands on him by telling him who he could and couldn’t be friends with. In the end, this “friendship” led to the demise of our relationship.

I still think that what I did was correct, as making demands of somebody is not right. And I think the same would be true in your situation. If you tell her not to hang out with her “friend”, you will likely create resentment on her part.

However, what I did learn from my situation, and I hope you can apply it to yours, is that your girlfriend should be making the choice herself to limit her contact with this guy. You should expect this. I didn’t, and that was a mistake on my part. If my SO had actually limited his contact, or preferably put a to a stop to it, he would have shown me that he respected me and loved me. He chose not to take that path.

My SO’s actions showed me (despite was he was saying) that he didn’t love and respect me.

Currently, your girlfriend’s actions are showing you that she doesn’t love or respect you.

In my opinion, after you have spoken to your girlfriend about this problem, she should, of her own volition, choose to end this relationship. Hopefully she will choose to put you first in her life. If not, she has shown you where you measure up in her life.

So no matter what she says, actions speak louder than words.

Are you willing to be second best?

[Zapp]

Thank you for that response. That is a very good point. The thing I am worried about is if talking to her about it makes me the "bad guy" as I don't think she has many friends in the other city besides this fellow.

On top of that we have been MSNing and discussing future plans. Every time she talks she is trying to distance our relationship. She wants to move elsewhere and assumes I don't, she doesn't want to get engaged yet when before the summer she was super gung ho. And this is a line that scares me, b/c it is a sign of emotional infidelity:

"Plus I need to know 100% that it is for real before I say yes. I only want to get married once and I don't want to make a mistake"

WTF? That just screams of "I am guilty about something and am now distancing"

Ack. This weekend she is home, and it is going to be tough.