Need help please - not sure if I should marry him!
Hello everyone - I really need some advice. I am 29 years old and am currently engaged and living with my fiance of 26. We've been together for four years now, and I truly love him, however I am having some issues with his hygiene/health. When we first met he took good care of himself and exercised regularly. For the past 2 years, he has stopped excersing and has gained about 30 pounds. Recently he found out he has very high triglycerides (735) and cholesterol - he is only 26 years old. I'm very active and I like to take care of my apearance - I dont expect him to be like me, but there's yet another issue:
My biggest issue is his lack of oral hygiene. We've been living together for a few months now, and I've noticed that he doesnt brush his teeth at night and now he's been skipping mornings. I've had to remind him twice this week to brush his teeth, but today I reminded him again, and he yelled at me. He called me stupid and told me to shut up. I told him I thought it was disgusting to go to work without brushing and he said "I think you're disgusing!" - then he stormed out the door to work. I was appalled that he reacted this way. He has a very bad temper and I've learned to deal with this, but now I'm getting concerned. I just dont know what to do. I've mentioned that oral hygiene and personal health is a big deal for me, but he gets upset every time. We are planning a wedding, and I'm not sure whether or not to reconsider. Please help!
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has a very bad temper, and when you bring up a perfectly legitimate concern calls you names and gets excessively angry?
I always figure people need to live together for quite a while before they marry for reasons like this. You have only been in the same place together a few months and his behaviour toward you has changed significantly for the worse. The same thing has happened to friends of mine. Now you have more information about what it's like to live with him, do you really want to continue?
Habits are hard to break. I don't agree that you should just give up on this person because of bad habits. Any relationship has it gives and takes. Instead of getting on his back from the get go, make it a point to brush your teeth together. If that doesn't work try making a dentist appointment together and have the dentist get on him for it. Same with his weight. Try cooking together or find an exersize activity you both like and make it a habit. My fiance and I enjoy tennis, so we play as often as we can. Sex is good to. Lots and lots and lots of sex.
Guys (and girls) get bad habits and they hard to break....but it is not impossible. Don't give up, keep fighting.
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He who reigns within himself and rules passions, desires, and fears is more than a king.
mm - i would suggest something which most of the people would probably call unethical, bad etc. but I know it works wonders.
just every time, when he has not taken shower/ brushed his teeth etc relating higiene - refuse sex and explain why. but patiently and nicely - e.g. i so want to have sex with you.. but i am just turned off by the bad breath etc etc
he is young - you can still train him the way you want him
Speaking from experience, I think you should definitely reconsider marriage to this man. The big issue here is not hygiene, but his treatment of you when you brought it up.
My ex wife had a very bad temper. But, I loved her and learned to deal with it.
What I discovered is that if you allow people to treat you poorly, that treatment will get worse over time. My ex wife went from arguing to yelling to throwing things. Didn’t happen over night, but over years in small stages. Each time I would learn to deal with it and put up with it. After all it was only a small increase from what I was dealing with already.
Finally I saw where it had gone and where it had started from. In the beginning if she had thrown things I would’ve ended it. But because it took a long time to develop I didn’t see it happening.
If you really want to have a future with this guy, you need to sit down with him and discuss his temper. Look for improvements and a sincere effort, before you continue your marriage discussions. No matter what you do (stay or go) you need to make it clear that having a bad temper will not be tolerated. After all, if you’re going to fear bringing a topic up, then you won’t have the open and honest communication that is essential to make the marriage work.
My fiance is 37, funny, was a captain in the Army, and now has a job w/a large consulting firm. He's from the East Coast, I'm from near Lake Michagan. We now live in the middle of America and it sucks. Our jobs requires a lot of travel and so does his. My problem is that we got engaged in March b/c we started living together and came to the conclusion we didn't want to live without the other. However lately, I rearranged my work schedule to that i can be local, and he has been out of town for the past 9 months.
I just can't stop thinking since our families are so far, and we get married, will I live a lonely life?? I am currenlty very lonely and miss my BIG family up North. He could care less if he sees family since he's always been on his own. Sometimes he's selfish and has a bad temper where he won't compromise without a lot of argueing. I can take any situation and make it work. He is not a dynamic thinker.
He just purchased a town home so its not like we can just move, we talked to realators and they doubt he can get his money out of it if he sells in less then 2 years. I just got a job offer in the west and would totally love to take it.
I am a skiier, hiker, and outdoors active person. He on the other hand would love to move, but he's got the town house to sell and has to keep a job to pay the mortgage. So I have been reconcidering the offer, and feel like I am trapped in hell. You see, were we live is like the arm-pitt of America. There are no mountains, lakes, ocean, and its hot and humid. There are not a lot of restraunts, cool clubs/bars, or things to do on a Friday night. I really hate living here. I am so afraid that if I get married to him I will be stuck here forever and since he is older he will want to have kids and then I will totally be stuck. To top it off, I wanted to do fun things and live some place cool before I settled down. I feel like I am not living how I want.
DON'T DO IT! Print out the advice and RUN! I agree with everyone here who said that the REAL issue here is his reaction! OMG! He calls you disgusting and tells you to shut up and you're wondering whether you should marry the guy? He's abusive. And it may be verbally abusive not physical right now but isn't that enough? It WILL get worse. I would bet everything I have on it. Unless he gets help that is but I also am pretty sure he thinks he's fine and YOU'RE the problem.
Do not let him believe you are the problem. Why would you accept this kind of behavior? Good marriages never involve one partner insulting the other. NEVER! It really concerns me that you would accept this kind of behavior. It tells me you need to work on your self-esteem. You CAN do better than this if you believe that you are worthy.
Marry him and you'll be divorced within 5 years. I can almost guarantee it. Either that or you will become an abused wife. You're just lucky that he's showing his true colors NOW instead of after the wedding!
Without even reading what the problem was I knew the answer to your question. NO!
Why do I say that? Because if you even have a question in your mind as to whether you should marry someone then, in my opinion, you shouldn't. I know people will disagree with me on that saying people have cold feet all the time, etc. etc. But I don't agree. If you're not 100% sure that this is the person you want to marry and you're not excited about spending the rest of your life with him then NO, you shouldn't get married.
Just by questioning whether you should, in my book, you've answered the question.
Now try this: read the date of the OP (July) and then read the whole thread and you'll see a different poster had a different problem which at least was posted this month.
Now try this: Dont post unless you have something meaningful to contribute. Sheesh, yes, I for one noticed the date AFTER I posted but I'm new here. Ex-cu-se Me! Some of us don't have over 1,000 posts and are not as experienced as you apparently are.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Marriage = jail in my situation? Help?
Depressed
He sounds depressed. Lack of hygeine , not caring...argumentative....he needs counseling,....
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