[whattheheh?]

Confounded and confused!

Reader's Digest version.......a year and a half ago...I meet a guy in a chat room. He appears nice enough but I am running a mile from a long distance- relationship and give him all the reasons for this not working out.

After his incredible persistence and openess, I let my guard down and get to know him. We talk everyday on the webcam and on the phone. We live thousands of miles apart but have so much in common, it's frightening. We also found eachother incredibly attractive as well.

I tell him candidly of all the pitfalls and idealogies behind LDR's.....tell him to never say anything to me he doesn't mean and to please stop fantasing me as some ideal woman because none of us are. He listens and agrees. Thousands of conversations later....

Cut to 18 months later.....he invites me to visit him (I had the time...he had to work some of those days). I fly to meet him and this amazingly handsome guy shows up but proceeds to send me mixed messages throughout my trip. One minute he is totally into me, the next? shy, distant and surrounded by friends when we go out. All the talk from a year and a half is gone.

We still have lots in common but he kept moving forward (he introduced me to his whole family and told me it was a big deal) then refrained from any kind of touching (unless it was on his terms) HUH?

So, was he just not "into me"? or a complete commitment-phobic who panicked when I asked him where he wanted this relationship to proceed to? (ie. a friend? more?...he did say consistently that this was no game and he was very very serious about a long-term relationship that would lead to marriage).

He mentioned nothing about all our chats.

Can we trust on the net? on the phone? ever? Was I lied to? or could he be in over his head with fear?

What's your take?

[LucreziaBorgia]

My take is that you are going to have to get to know him in person, as well as you do online before you will be able to decide how into you he really is. You can get to know a lot about a person virtually, but still have a long way to go when you finally meet them in person. Virtual relationships allow you to fall in love with the "fantasy" version of the person, and sometimes when you meet the "reality" version it can take a little longer to catch up to that "fantasy".

Will you have more opportunities to spend time in person with him?

[whattheheh?]

Thanks for your reply.

I agree with you. We discussed the psychology of long distance relationships and the dangerious fantasy idealism behind them. I mentioned every fear I could think of.

He obviously didn't listen. His behaviour during my trip vascilated between interest, shut-down, aloof, amourous, using friends as barriers. It was all so damn confusing.

I've been back for a while now and I only received a few emails. He hasn't called so I have to assume he is no longer interested.

I guess, for my own piece of mind, would anyone know if his behaviour shouted he was running scared or disinterested? I don't understand men anymore.

[blind_otter]

Getting to know someone on the net is different from getting to know them in person. My BF lives in Scotland (for now, although he's moving in a week and 5 days, yay!)...although we were more of a phone couple, we did send long emails back and forth to each other...the emails of course are different from the phone conversations, and then when we spend time together that's different as well. He just needs to get used to you, I think. Don't jump to conclusions. You've missed his body language and facial expressions in getting to know him...

Also I don't know where your BF is from but some places just don't find PDA acceptable. When I was introduced to his family he was always quite proper with me, sitting next to me but not touching, no rubbing of thighs or caresses in public. He would hold my hand tightly, though. When we were in more relaxed company, around his mum or brother, he would be much more affectionate. I took that to mean he simply was more self-conscious around certain people, than around other...

I hope things work out. Humans arean't meant to be understood though. Emotions are hardly logical.