Originally posted by JohnWeaver
I work 40 hours a week or more,
My partner does not have a job at all,
We have no kids, just us.
I feel my partner should basically do all the housework,
my partner feels I should handle at least X loads of dishes, X loads of laundry a week, etc.
Is this fair?
Am I expecting too much?
Does 40-45 hours a week of physical labor not equate to maintaining the household?
What is the basis for your partner's position? Why does he/she feel the way they do?
Based on the facts you lay out, I agree with you. In fact, I'd be pretty upset if my partner only had to do the housework and that was considered a fair trade.
K.. I was going to try and keep this sexless but seeing how it would take me ages to word it properly I'll just proceed.
She was saying today that it makes her feel like a slave, like she's just here to pick up after me.
Also, she has "conditions" similar to agoraphobia that make it hard for her to work. So to her, the fact that she "wants" to work seems to outweigh the fact that she isn't working. But personally I don't think that matters at all. I see it as, I am working, she's not working, regardless of reasons (unless of course it was physical like broken legs and arms.. but then I wouldn't be here looking for help.)
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind occasionally pitching in. I think I do quite a bit of the cooking, I do most of the mechanical crap around the house "fix this, replace that". I try to do dishes when it seems like there's a lot or when I am asked to do them in specific.
But I don't feel like I should be held to "You could do the dishes at least once a week, do the carpets once a week" etc.
Ok.. hope that answered the open ended side of the question . And thanks a bunch for responding
Here's how I see it. She WANTS to work. See if she can maybe get a job being a medical transcriptionist from home. Or if not, then share the chores on the weekends, but she does them during the weekdays. And when you come home, make sure that you thank her and actually appreciate her for what she DOES do. For me, working inside the home and being unemployed really was a hit to my self-esteem, which improved when I got a job, no matter how crappy the job. So keep that in mind. If you appreciate her more, she might do more, or do it more willingly.
i think you are totally justified in what you are saying. if she does not work, and is home, then yes, she should be willingly doing the housework, as i would expect the same from anyone at home/ not working, while i worked all day.
personally i am semi-anal about cleaning....i just like to do it, that way i know it is clean!
but yes, i personally think she should clean!
__________________ Glitter: The herpes of craft supplies.
~Demitri Martin
weaver, you said it all when you had to sex it up. what you have, pal, is a case of a lazy woman. Her "condition" is that she is too lazy to hold her end up. You put in your 40+ per week, and she cant even clean the house??? Hell yes, thats unfair. She thinks that housework is too demeaning to her princess status, just tell her that you too are enslaved by your job trying to keep her lazy arse in dinero so she can sit around and "want to work". what a crock!!! if she feels you need to pitch in and do things once a week, then trade jobs and let her do yours once a week. Things should be evenly divided, and the house chores also if both of you were employed. it sounds pretty much one sided to me, and you are on the short end.
She must be watching too much Oprah or Dr. Phil during the day. My advice is to give her another condition---either get her sorry butt out and get a job, or clean the frickin house. She doesnt even have the kid excuse....jeeese.
Originally posted by JohnWeaver
She was saying today that it makes her feel like a slave, like she's just here to pick up after me.
You control the purse strings. Instead of doing something nice for her, taking her on vacation, buying her a new dress, etc., hire a maid to do your share of the housework. What is the financial arrangement between you like?
This isn't a suggestion I think would help, but how would she respond to it?
Slight derailment: I also wonder what the hell kind of gift someone who won't leave the house would like. Mumu?
I think that the equality of relationships normally don't fall on the 50/50 mark. How equal they are depends on which side you are talking to.
The lines are drawn by each set of individuals and they work out an arrangement that each considers fair and acceptable.
Personally I think that the fact that she not willing to do the house work speaks volumes about what she believes is fair and acceptable and this inequality will show up in other areas of the relationship as well.
and this is why hiring a housekeeper as Scratch had suggested won't work.
Well.. not sure I could even afford the maid thing ~sighs~
Being the only income doesn't leave a lot of spending cash at the end of the week.
I try to consider the money "ours" we both making shopping decisions etc... I usually give myself 20 bucks a week to blow on whatever.. but that's about that.
Interesting thoughts, I'd like to clarify something though, does everyone agree I should be doing chores on the weekends when I'm off work? ie Treasa's reply? I guess I didn't specify that part of it. And again don't get me wrong I don't mind doing things occasionally, it's just that she doens't feel they're "occasional" enough, and I don't feel like I should "have" to do any at all... blah whatever, hope this makes sense. Thanks for all the quick replies .
P.S. - I just read what Fly said and i guess that's the main issue, where does 50/50 lie... does housework during the week equal my work during the week... should we split weekends? Am I being unfair? And what does the majority think is fair? Ahhh well.. guess that's that for now.
Originally posted by JohnWeaver
does everyone agree I should be doing chores on the weekends when I'm off work?
JohnWeaver,
I think that you should pitch in sure ..maybe cut the lawn, wash the cars or do some chores that you consider yours to do.
But as a responsibility the main bulk of housework chores should be hers to do.
By pitch in I mean that lets say she is doing laundry on Saturday afternoon and you are their watching television then you should maybe go in and help her fold the laundry or hang the stuff in the dryer.. Help her... not do it for her
I also think that you can't play all high and mighty and put your foot down without negative results.. You are gonna have to sit down and work thru the 50/50 mark
Last edited by A Fly onThe Wall; 15th July 2005 at 8:34 PM.
So these alleged conditions she has that are similar to agoraphobia - have they been actually diagnosed by a trained medical professional (psychiatrist, etc) or are they just what she feels they are? Is she undergoing any kind of active treatment to deal with her condition(s) (such as counselling, psychotherapy, meds) or do you feel that she's not really trying to deal with them and therefore is using them as a good "excuse" to just not work?
I ask because there's all kinds of people out there who are disabled in one form or another and they can't hold traditional "out of the home" jobs but they find something else they can do from home, to make an income and contribute to the overall household income. Has she made any attempts? You're obviously carrying a lot of the burden here, being the sole breadwinner - that must be stressful @ times?
That being said, if she's not working outside or inside of the home, in a "job", then by default (as I see it), her job/contribution to the relationship is to maintain the home. Goodness!....many of us women work full time jobs and still maintain the home - some even do it with 2-3 children to care for. How much housework is there, really, for just the 2 of you anyway?
I do think you should be loving and offer to give her a hand once in awhile with things - so that that frees her up and you BOTH can do something enjoyable together (play a game, watch a movie, have company over, etc).....but sorry, I think she's being kind of ?selfish here and trying to get out of doing what she should be doing.
Just because she WANTS to get a job but can't "due to her condition(s)" isn't going to cut it, I'm afraid.
Good God, with 8 working hours in the day, 5 days a week, how much time does she really have to spend cleaning the house anyway? - for just the 2 of you?
So if she's got an agoraphobic-like condition, does she EVER go out? Who does the grocery shopping? The regular shopping for household things?
Has she ever held a job?
What's stopping her from having a home-based job?
Last edited by shygurl; 15th July 2005 at 8:53 PM.
Reason: because i can
Wow Shy... your name doesn't match your writing lol.
Yes she's actually diagnosed.. but lately she's been bounced to soooo many doctors so that being said. She's been diagnose Agoraphobic... but some say its just a social phobia... I don't want to get too far into her conditions because honestly I don't think it's fair for me to say.. If she even saw I was writing to strangers about her phobia... wow.. well lets just not think about that heh. But I know it's not an excuse, she really does Want to work, at the beginning of our relationship she was holding jobs, she worked at Friendly's etc, but I guess her condition has worsened.
Honestly.. I don't know what stops her from getting a stay at home job... I guess we never really talked about it, she doesn't have a license yet so everything that requires driving requires me.. 95% of the time we do the shopping together.. being food/clothes/etc... the other 5% i would say are times I just do it alone. Other than that.. she basically goes out when we go to pick up her brother and or sister (young siblings we have over sometimes on the weekends), umm she goes out with me food shopping, and occasionally to the corner to get her cigarettes, and sometimes to walk the dog. Other than that she has a rough time in any situation that involves her being around lots of people at once.
Ok.. hope I didn't miss anything , thanks again for the detailed responses, I appreciate everyone's input.. even you alpha! ~snicker~
Originally posted by JohnWeaver
Wow Shy... your name doesn't match your writing lol.
Yes she's actually diagnosed.. but lately she's been bounced to soooo many doctors so that being said. She's been diagnose Agoraphobic... but some say its just a social phobia... I don't want to get too far into her conditions because honestly I don't think it's fair for me to say.. If she even saw I was writing to strangers about her phobia... wow.. well lets just not think about that heh. But I know it's not an excuse, she really does Want to work, at the beginning of our relationship she was holding jobs, she worked at Friendly's etc, but I guess her condition has worsened.
Honestly.. I don't know what stops her from getting a stay at home job... I guess we never really talked about it, she doesn't have a license yet so everything that requires driving requires me.. 95% of the time we do the shopping together.. being food/clothes/etc... the other 5% i would say are times I just do it alone. Other than that.. she basically goes out when we go to pick up her brother and or sister (young siblings we have over sometimes on the weekends), umm she goes out with me food shopping, and occasionally to the corner to get her cigarettes, and sometimes to walk the dog. Other than that she has a rough time in any situation that involves her being around lots of people at once.
Ok.. hope I didn't miss anything , thanks again for the detailed responses, I appreciate everyone's input.. even you alpha! ~snicker~
She sounds far too dependent on you. Why can't she get a driver's license? So not only are you responsible for bringing home the bacon, you're also responsible for being her chauffeur. Doesn't that ever get to you? Not to mention, you'd think it would make her feel very isolated and without much freedom?
I find it interesting, though, that she's able to go out with you to do food/clothes shopping but can't get a job outside the home. Truly agoraphobic generally can't leave the house at all. That being said, if being around a lot of people @ once is a problem for her, why can't she get a job where she's not around a lot of people? There's tons of jobs out there in, say, little shops or boutiques or stores where there's few customers.........man, the possibilities are endless. Sounds almost likes being isolated and dependent?
My goodness, why don't you 2 talk about her getting some 'at-home' work? Nobody in this world should have a free ride! Even people with very severe disabilities (in wheelchairs, blind/deaf, etc etc) have jobs.
Sorry but it sounds a little like she's taking advantage of the situation (or trying to).
So what does she do all day? Surely cleaning doesn't take up 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week............so what on earth does she do?
Well she was trying to get her license.. she can't drive my car because it's a stick and we've tried and tried she just can't seem to get it, she also says she's not comfortable with me teaching her which makes it a little difficult.
It does make her feel that way.. i would say isolated and withour freedom is better than i could have put it myself, but then there isn't much she can do to change it i guess, since she has so much trouble being out around people and whatnot.
She tried to get a job where she wasn't around too many people.. she worked cleaning rooms in a hotel near here for a while, it just didn't work out for her. And now I believe they're telling her the best thing is not to aggravate herself while going through therapy, which is all fine by me. It never bothered me being the one working, it doesn't bother me that we don't have much extra money, because I'm a homebody anyway *big ol cancer that I am*, I have never resented her for being the way she is, she can't help it anymore than I can help hating brussel sprouts.
But it Does bother me.. that i can come home from an 10 hour day at work and have her tell me I should do the dishes because I didn't rinse one properly.. when am I going to clean the shower curtain.. and I should do my share of scrubbing the living room floor with 401.. meh..
But honestly I'm never sure what she does all day... she does some stuff around here.. goes to poetry chat rooms.. writes poetry etc... but when i ask she usually gets defensive because one time I used "what she does all day" in an arguement so now I'm a bastard forever.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
.
Linear Mode
