Any tips on how to "be good" socially?


Maybe I should elaborate... I grew up in a big city but I did not live close to any of my friends/classmate. So, basically we never hung out together after school. I am sociable with my close friends, but with groups of people I get real quiet. When I talk with someone one-on-one, I talk with them a normal amount. But all of a sudden, when I'm with a group of people (especially when I don't know some of them) I get real quiet. Also, with new people I kinda get nervous and I hate making small talk with people I don't know or hardly know.


People who don't know me think I'm quiet but I'm really not! In class I never said a word cuz I was to shy to speak up in front of a lot of people. Anyways, my point here is, I want some tips from anyone who is sociable.


If anyone out there is a real people person, just know that your lucky cuz when your not it makes life so much harder!

[pearlsasinger]

I used to be really shy too. I still get self-concious but I've somehow learned to open up more and be myself. Situations that still get me are speeches or meeting new people in formal situations. I can get so nervous I tremble. However, recently I discovered I have generalized anxiety disoder...I now understand that it's easy for me to work myself up over small things like that if I don't control my anxiety. Sounds like you may have some slight social anxiety.

Could it be confidence related? You have to tell yourself that you're an intelligent, fun person that people would like to get to know! I think I became better in social situations because I gained more self-esteem (exercise was great in that aspect) and started caring less what other people thought. I don't like everyone I meet, how can I expect everyone to like me?

One thing I would tell you is really try to force yourself to make the effort. Eventually it will become less nerveracking and more comfortable. Try making small talk with people you don't know, like a cashier at a grocery store. Trust me, they are bored and will be happy for the conversation. It feels nice to connect with people, even if it is on small level. Some may think small talk has no purpose, but I think it's relating to a person before you know much about them and I think even a small friendly interaction can brighten your day.

If you're worried about what to say to people, news is often a good conversation starter. Scan news Web sites for interesting stories. Everyone has some knowledge of current events. Movies are great to talk about too. And you can always focus the conversation on the other person...ask them questions about their job, where they grew up, anything. Focuse the attention on them and not you!

Lastly, if you can take acting lessons or an acting class of some kind, I've heard it does wonders for speaking in groups of people. I've always wanted to try that because I think it would help me.

[phyrespryte]

Originally posted by pearlsasinger
I used to be really shy too. I still get self-conscious but I've somehow learned to open up more and be myself. Situations that still get me are speeches or meeting new people in formal situations. I can get so nervous I tremble.

OMG! I'm exactly the same way! Today I had a critique (I'm an art major) and I couldn't stop shaking even though people said positive things. I can't figure out how to get that under control. Have you found anything that makes you less nervous?

I got a job in retail two years ago to help me become less shy. The first year I had to work on the sales floor and it forced me to start talking to people. Small talk helps so much! Usually I'll find that complimenting people is the easiest way to get a conversation started. I'll say something like, "I love your shoes"! 9 out of 10 times the people respond better to me. I don't recommend lying and saying they look great when they don't because it's just bad for the soul.

101, I think the most important thing you can do is to force yourself to talk. Allow yourself to be in uncomfortable social situations, it'll help you be more comfortable with it. Good luck!

[griftymcgriff]

Try meeting some of a companies Lead Artists for an interview! :|

You dont know what they're gunna say, like we liked your work but you dont have experience so **** off. maybe not as harsh but yeah thats frightening, seeing as they can turn you away in a second i hate this process for getting jobs. I get so nervous!

thanks. i don't like making small talk, but i really should force myself so i will get better at it.
Its not a self esteem issue because I think I have a healthy self esteem.


Sometimes I feel, why should I push myself to be sociable when I'm really not? But on the other hand, being a good people person is important in every aspect of life, so its something I want to be comfortable with.

[phyrespryte]

Originally posted by guest101
Sometimes I feel, why should I push myself to be sociable when I'm really not?

That's how I feel sometimes. Why do I always have to be the one to approach people? I try not to think like that anymore though. I figure it's better to start a conversation instead of being left out of one.

I'm similar. I'm great 1-on-1, but really need some help in large groups and in getting to meet people in them. I don't really think it's a confidence or self-esteem issue, although surely if I magically became the life of every party, it would help my increase my confidence and self-esteem further.

I've thought about acting lessons. Not only would it be interesting, push your limits, and help you meet new people, it would definitely help grow your personality. The presumable goal of course is to get "good" enough at acting so you can "act" sociably, despite being uncomfortable, well enough and long enough that eventually it's no longer an act. The problem is the one local place that provides acting lessons seems like it would be too serious a place. I'm not looking to hone my craft, I want a more casual environment of people exploring the art of acting, for fun above all else. Not sure if there is such a place.

I've also thought about learning to bartend and picking that up as a side job. Unfortunately I work plenty already, enjoy my career, and don't seem to have enough free time as it is, so this would really be hard to manage. But I can't ignore the apparent benefits- you're forced to be sociable, you can meet all kinds of people, easily establish friends with an entire new set of coworkers, you can make good money, and you learn how to make a bazillion drinks!!

What other ideas do you all have? I know ultimately it has to come from within and you just start making the effort to change (and I am trying, and doing so) but it would be fun to brainstorm some of the additional things like the above mentioned that will help assist us in becoming more sociable.

[Trainee]

" I am sociable with my close friends, but with groups of people I get real quiet. When I talk with someone one-on-one, I talk with them a normal amount. But all of a sudden, when I'm with a group of people (especially when I don't know some of them) I get real quiet. Also, with new people I kinda get nervous and I hate making small talk with people I don't know or hardly know."


Scary, you pretty much described to a T. This is definately my biggest weakness.

[SummerRae]

Hmmmm, well, I USED TO BE JUST LIKE THIS!! Honestly, what helped me was to pay attention to the thoughts that I was having when I would get all worked up. (I used to think there was something wrong w/ me because of the level of anxiety I would feel.) Then I would consciously counteract EVERY single negative thought. I would remind myself that "they" are no better. That I am just as good as any of them. That they are probably having the same kinds of thoughts/feelings (though perhaps on a milder scale). I would tell myself that it's ok to be quiet that there is no shame in that. If I don't have anything to say, I don't have anything to say. But if I do, let it out!!

Why am I saying this in past tense? WTF am I talking about, I have not been "cured", I still have to do all of this, be conscious of how my mind is operating... but it's happening less and less because I'm getting closer to being able to turn off that little Subconsious Green Monster. I say things like, "who are THEY to make me feel this way." Or "what makes them better than me." Or "fu(k what they think." Or "I am me, and they're either going to love me or I don't give a fu(k. I'll live either way, so what do I care." I also ask myself things like, "what will I not regret?" Ultimately, I would always regret not putting myself out there. Not making an effort to connect on some level with the people who pass through my life. Not loving.

Sounds funny but it's working. Oh, and therapy, lots of facking therapy. Will let u know how that goes. The way I see it, we are all always a work in progress. The ever-so-healing nature of being human.

SIDE NOTE:
I think a huge part of it can be that we have this little voice in the back of our heads inhibating us. Ignore it. Tell it to fack off. Another theory is that people who are extremely sensitive tend to be afraid of big groups. We are very perseptive to all the energy. But we must desensitize ourselves at least a little, if we want to live peacefully. Tell ourselves that we don't need other people's approval. Love right through all the fear.

If love is light and fear is darkness, then when we switch on the Light/Love switch, the Fear/Darkness is cast away. I find this metaphor extremely telling.........

K, good night ALL.