[SummerRae]

Ok, so here’s the situation. I saw someone for a v. short but intense period of time. I completely fell for him. I thought he was what I wanted. I still wonder if I will find/feel what I did with him. It’s now been over a month since things ended and just when I think I’m over it, I’m back where I started again. It doesn’t help that his best friend lives right across the street from me so I am constantly reminded of him. And he is my baseball coach! Thankfully, I just have to make it through this weekend (our tournament) and then I won’t have to see him.

I feel like I shouldn’t be pining for him still. Especially since we weren’t even together for very long. About a year before, I was heartbroken from a relationship that lasted 4 years. Somehow, this seems much worse. It hurts more. Quite possibly, I never dealt with the first wound. So I’m grieving both. That’s the only way I can make sense of this situation. Fu(k, I don’t even know HOW to grieve. Usually, I would just ignore my feelings, or go out and party hard. This time, no matter what I do, the emptiness is still a little there, even if I think it’s not, it’s still somewhere underneath and lurks through in the middle of the night or when I wake up in the morning. I’m pining… and I HATE IT.

I want to heal fully so that my next relationship won’t turn out this way. How do I stop grieving?

[Merin]

I don't know that you need to stop grieving.. I think you need to allow yourself time for that, just don't dwell there often..

Honestly I think perhaps when you've had a relationship not work out (the one that had lasted for 4 years) and it ends you feel you'll never meet anyone again and then when you do (maybe a short time after) and that doesn't work out either I believe a lot of people start to feel that it must be THEM, that they are somehow unable to make a relationship work.. when honestly it ISN'T YOU Summer, it is that the 2 you were involved with were just not right for you for whatever reasons.

It's okay to feel sad or disappointed that things didn't work out.. just don't dwell on it to the point you start to imagine that you're destined to be alone forever simply because your last 2 didn't go as planned.. eventually you will meet the right person at the right time and things will work.

Hang in there Girl

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Merin
I don't know that you need to stop grieving.. I think you need to allow yourself time for that, just don't dwell there often..

Honestly I think perhaps when you've had a relationship not work out (the one that had lasted for 4 years) and it ends you feel you'll never meet anyone again and then when you do (maybe a short time after) and that doesn't work out either I believe a lot of people start to feel that it must be THEM, that they are somehow unable to make a relationship work.. when honestly it ISN'T YOU Summer, it is that the 2 you were involved with were just not right for you for whatever reasons.

It's okay to feel sad or disappointed that things didn't work out.. just don't dwell on it to the point you start to imagine that you're destined to be alone forever simply because your last 2 didn't go as planned.. eventually you will meet the right person at the right time and things will work.

Hang in there Girl

thanks Merin!! I know what you are saying, and you have a way of saying it so that it makes perfect, logical sense.

Honestly, I'm just tired of meeting the wrong one over and over and over again. It's so painful. I have been on a zillion dates and it seems that either they are totally into me (and I'm not into them) or there's just nothing there period. And the two men that I have really, genuinely enjoyed and couldn't get enough of, I can't have for whatever reason.

The first one: totally betrayed me and the second: misled me in many ways. I thought we had a strong enough friendship prior to getting into it with him but it seemed like me telling him how I felt freaked him out. I know he's not the one, but I just wish my heart would know that. The hardest thing is that his best friend lives right across the street from me and there's no way I want to move but I am continuously reminded of him and what he's doing... And my best friend's husband works with him so I am always hearing about him through the grapevine. And it tears me up a bit...

I really genuinely cared for him, even more than the 4-year long relationship.

The reason I keep thinking hopelessly about it is that I am never attracted to the available, open guys (the ones that are wanting me). I like the ones who give me a challenge, and space but who make me smile and laugh and turn me on. And TWICE in a row this has happened to me! So I can't help but expect that the next one may do the same thing, I just don't know for sure, u know?

So recently, I went on a date with this other guy (which I admit is probably too soon, I just don't want to feel like I'm missing something out there, u know?) Turns out he really digs me and wants to see me again. Spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally, he's everything I want... but the problem is, I don't see myself being able to have sex w/ him... which is super important to me... Not sure if that is something that could evolve though??

My therapist told me that I need to stop going for the vines. The ones who you are immediately physically attracted to. Because that is a pattern of attraction. WTF am I falling for men like my father?????? Sounds crazy, but I think she's right. She said I need to think of it as a rose bush and just let it grow on it's own. Why am I so impatient with it? Why do I look for everything wrong with the NICE guys?


Then there's the theory that I'm this super feminine person, so I'm attracted to the v. masculine types. It's like a romantic addiction. I just want to be happy on my own like I was b4 I met any of them........ So I guess I just talked myself into answering my own question: I NEED to be alone right now. That's all I can do. I need to really learn how to love myself again.....

[Merin]

~Love Yourself
~Enjoy Your own company
~Speak gently to Yourself
~AND in My case, laugh at my own jokes

You'll get there Girl

[d'Arthez]

Merin is absolutely right.

Grieving is most of all a reflective process. You can barely reflect if you go out and party as if you were 18 again (or whatever the legal age is for that). It takes time, it takes a lot of effort. You can't simply ignore questions like that, as much as we would like it otherwise.

Take your time to grieve. It is the surest way to recovery. Focus your attention on yourself, on where you are. Not on where you ought to be in an idealized world without pain. You will overcome this.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by d'Arthez
Merin is absolutely right.

Grieving is most of all a reflective process. You can barely reflect if you go out and party as if you were 18 again (or whatever the legal age is for that). It takes time, it takes a lot of effort. You can't simply ignore questions like that, as much as we would like it otherwise.

Take your time to grieve. It is the surest way to recovery. Focus your attention on yourself, on where you are. Not on where you ought to be in an idealized world without pain. You will overcome this.

I completely agree with both of you. And I woke up again this morning with a bit of pain in my heart thinking about what is no longer.... always seems to happen when I wake up. I know that everytime I start to feel the pain, I usually do everything I can to get rid of it. I drink, I call up friends (but don't talk about the REAL problem) and I go on dates (and end up feeling worse than b4 I started...) Self-medication of these kinds NEVER works.

I was thinking about going to an AA meeting... The thing is I'm not sure that I have a drinking problem. I can totally have a glass of wine. I just have certain times (when I'm out with certain friends) where I get completely wasted. I don't like getting that way. And I was thinking I'm doing it to self-medicate. I never drink by myself, never on a work night, but I do go out at least once a week and get hammered. Not good, I know.

There really are sooo many layers to my pain. And yet, I never dwell long enough on them to reach any resolutions. I have started counsilling and group therapy. Had to quit cousilling cause I can't afford it right now. But after I leave these places I feel soooo good.

I've also started meditating and going to this Spiritual Centre since it seems to really feed me. My therapist says that over time, the more I start to really look after myself, the less I'll want to go out and drink. I agree. It's just not fun anymore, and I'm no longer 19!! It's just when it comes to Friday, I always end up thinking about how much fun the rest of the world is probably having. LOL! WTF, as if that's how it is, but it feels like it....