[voda555]

Hi all, I have a problem I need to get advice on. I have a boyfriend of 3.5 years, and I have a guy friend of 10 years who has never had a real girlfriend. I have always had a crush on my friend but have been able to control it. But the last 6 months it has been getting heaps stronger. I keep trying to ignore it but it won't go away. I have no idea how he feels about me but I suspect that he would have already made a move by now if he felt the same since it has been 10 years! To make matters worse, I agreed to go overseas for a holiday with my friend without my b/f. I don't trust myself to go and not do something horrible but everything is organised and I really want to go. I think I need to sort out my feelings before we go and get rid of this crush for my friend once and for all. My relationship is suffering heaps and I feel like I am sabbotaging it and can't help but watch it decintegrate. I feel like I have a wall up against my b/f at the moment and can't feel anything for him. I think this might go away if I can get the crush to go away. I'm wondering if the best thing to do is to talk to my friend and should I do it face to face or send him an email? It seems as though email would be easier.

[elijahBailey]

I'm not getting something here. You're going on a trip with your friend... just the two of you? Not like a group trip? And your b/f doesn't know about it?

[blackendangel13]

Ok take your friend out of the equation. Are you happy in the relationship? Or are you missing some emotional aspect that your friend is giving you instead of your bf?

[voda555]

For the first part of the trip we are alone. We tried to find someone else to come but noone wants to and I asked my b/f if he wanted to come but he didn't want to spend the money. The second part is with a tour group. The trip is for a month.

As for my b/f, he's really great and is very giving in the relationship and loves me a lot I know and we have fun together WHEN HE'S THERE. My frind is lots less giving I think. I'm not too sure about this as I've never seen him in a relationship. I have found 3 problems with my b/f. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable with these complaining about these problems or not.

1) He is a singer and devotes all his time to singing with a little job on the weekend. I'd like for him to get a full time job so we can move out, but he just wants to concentrate on his singing which he does at home for hours and when I bring this up with him he says that he wishes I just liked him for him and not for what he is paid to do. He thinks I'm pushing him to work for the man too soon. He's 23 and lives with his parents as do I. I feel a bit like the relationship is not progressing, but this feeling may go away if I get rid of my feelings for my friend. My friend has a full time job but also lives with his parents.

2) Sometimes I feel like he'd rather sing than be with me, and he has chosen his band over seeing me plenty of times. It's very painful when he does this especially when I'm not able to see him very often. a few months ago I had a job that took up lots of my time and it was easier for him to come to me to see me, but he'd get bored at my house because his music wasn't there and we could never think of anything to go out and do, and he'd have to wake up really early to drop me at the station. So he didn't come as often as I'd like. Now I have a job near his house so I'm always there but his music equipment is there and so I see him for a few hours and then he's off singing. I know I can't demand all of his time and I don't want to be unreasonable. We see each other about 3 times a week. My friend has made the effort to join clubs and things that we both like doing so as he can see me and we go out and do things together which are fun.

3) Our bedroom relationship is almost non existant. I know that when you are together for a while you need to find ways to experiment, but everytime I suggest something he looks at me like I'm too pure to be suggesting these things.

I know noones perfect. Does this answer your question? Do you think I'm creating problems out of nothing just to sabotage my relationship?

[Zaira]

Time for a break in the relationship to see what/who you really want.

[RecordProducer]

You need to divide your problem in two parts: your BF and your friend. I think you should use this trip to try and figure out how he feels about you and perhaps talk to him about your feelings for him at the end of the trip. If he doesn't feel the same perhaps it would be best for you to not see him for a while.
I agree that you need to sort your feelings out and see if you want to continue the relationship with your BF.

[elijahBailey]

okay, I see the situation clearer now. Your b/f had the option to go but didn't want to for his own reasons. I'm not sure if he knows the first part of the trip is just the two of you. I would tell him, but my guess is that you won't. But, no matter, you just have to make sure you don't step out of line( since you mentioned that " I don't trust myself to go and not do something horrible").

Since you're not married, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. But if you think you're definitely gonna go for this guy, you really should break up with your b/f first. He deserves that much, at the very least.

Go for the trip, take in a different perspective on both your relationships and find out what you really want. This is what dating is all about right? ......... just 'don't cheat', that's all. I truly hope it works out for you

[blackendangel13]

Oh voda. I know your situation very well. I have dated a lot muscians in the past. The one thing you will need to understand is (as much as it sucks) most of the time the band will always come first. You asking him to choose is like asking him to choose between his dream and you, which in most cases is a fight you will never win. A lot of woman are not comfortable with this role and that's ok.

I think you do need to take some time away from your boyfriend. Its obvious you don't like playing second fiddle and there is nothing wrong with that. You seem to be doing what I did in a similar situation. I was unhappy with my ex (a musician) because he put me second so I went to my best friend. My best friend put me first and gave me what the bf was not. This made it easier to stay exactly where I was but made me question who I had feelings for. You need to let the boyfriend go and sort out your feelings.

[voda555]

Thanks for your help all!! I think I'll need to do something soon. This is too much of a hard situation to be in! I agree that I need to try and sort out my feelings, I think I'll need a little time away from my b/f to see what happens. Thanks!