[birdgirl]

PLEASE help...

My ex, who completely lost his mind when we broke up, e-mailed me today to tell me he had unprotected sex with his ex wife while he and I were together. He and I were also having unprotected sex occasionally since I was on birth control... I believed we were monogamous.

My ex's ex wife is into drugs, cheated on him, and is leading a very frightening lifestyle. The rumor is that her last boyfriend slept with 68 people. I don't really know, as far as timing goes, whether my ex cheated with her after the guy with 68 people, or before. Her lifestyle got really frightening during the time I was with my ex and I didn't think he was seeing her anymore, so I never worried too much. My ex was tested for HIV, so I figured at least the big one was out of the way. As much as I wanted him to get tested, they were together for 12 years... so I kind of didn't worry too much. Stupid, I know.

My ex told me he cheated after seeing on a "friends" web site (MySpace) that my relationship status has changed, and that I have a new boyfriend.

My ex has a history of lying to me, and has concocted some really strange stories during our breakup, so a large part of me believes he's lying. He swears his friends will all verify that he did cheat, and that I can contact all of them and ask them. So I e-mailed one of them, who didn't respond to me. I also e-mailed a second, and am hoping this one will talk to me, though I don't expect it.

My ex is also threatening suicide, and telling me that I'll get the whole story in his suicide note.

My ex knows that am paranoid about disease, and that I will feel that I HAVE to tell my current boyfriend about this. He even said, "Are you going to tell him now? Or will you let him find out the hard way?"

My current boyfriend and I just started sleeping together, and we've used condoms the whole time. He did perform oral sex on me twice, but both times were brief, because he hadn't been tested, and I wasn't ready to reciprocate till I knew he was clean.

I need to tell my new boyfriend, because we have a trusting relationship, and it would be wrong not to. So my ex wins, I guess. I think he's probably lying. But on the off-chance that he's not... I guess technically, y new boyfriend been exposed to anything my ex may have contracted while he was cheating on me. If he actually did... I think he's trying to scare me at this point.

The problem I'm having is HOW to tell my new boyfriend... During the time that my boyfriend and I were dating casually, we stopped dating for a while and I did go back to my ex for a few weeks, either to see if it would work, or for closure. It was hard, especially with his repeated suicide threats, I kind of wanted to make it work to protect him...

And this is a sore subject for my boyfriend, because my boyfriend is really upset that I slept with my ex during the brief time we were together again. I really trusted my ex, at least to be monogamous, and as far as I knew, my STD tests were current and I was clean... but now I'm not so sure.

How do I bring this topic up with my boyfriend? He were mostly careful, but not entirely. I am scared. I think I'm going to lose him. I could just not tell him, continue to practice safe sex, and get tested in another month or so (you have to wait a while for HIV tests to be current). I'm afraid my boyfriend may freak... but I know he'll freak if he finds out I think my ex may have cheated with a "dirty" person and didn't tell him.

Oh help, please!!!!!!

[VirginiaBob]

Mr. Obvious advice is to get tested ASAP. You ex sounds like he is doing some weird things now, but just bear with it for a little longer and he'll realize it isn't affecting you and stop. I don't agree with what he is doing, but I also can empathize because I know what it is like to lose someone. Don't try to rationalize what he is doing now and don't expect him to. He is going through a hard time also and his mind is not quite all there yet.

[westernxer]

What's the fuss? Just bite the bullet and tell him.

You owe him that much.

[birdgirl]

I know I need to tell him. The fuss is that my ex is a sore spot, and I'm afraid my boyfriend's going to walk. NOT telling him is NOT an option. I don't think my boyfriend needs to know how "dirty" this girl he supposedly cheated on me with is. I'll just tell him that since he said he cheated, I'd rather get tested. And that I'm probably fine. And that we should continue to be safe till we know. Right? I guess it's a matter of not alarming my boyfriend. This sucks.

[westernxer]

That's a good way to explain it.

Smart, you.

[Zaira]

Get tested. Withhold from sex with your new boyfriend until you have the results, but let him know that your ex is a crazy, and you're just doing it to be safe. Your new man does not need all the gritty details.

[RecordProducer]

You panic a lot! But I understand you because I am the same.
I am not sure you have to tell your new BF the whole story. You can just tell him that you would like to keep it safe in the next 3 months then both get tested. Maybe your new BF's ex has AIDS. Don't act as if your ex has it and everyone else is clean. You never know who carries what. The statistics show that the more active you are in the areas of high risk the greater the chances to catch a STD, but it takes only one time to get it so even a virgin could get it the first time she sleeps with someone and transmit it to every next partner. You'll ask what are the chances? You don't care about chances if you belong to the 0.1% who got it from someone whose chances were much greater than yours. Just like you think you might have it because your ex slept with his ex who slept with 68 guys who may have slept with someone who had AIDS.
You would be perfectly calmed down if you could get his ex take the test for you. But I assume you wouldn't ask her to do that.
You can tell your BF when was the last time you slept with your ex and that you haven't been tested for AIDS since then. This mere statement doesn't speak for itself that you know he (and all his sex partners in the past) and you are perfectly healthy.
When I started dating my current BF we had both protected and unprotected sex. He said he trusted me that I would take care of my health. I told him I wasn't always so careful in the past. He didn't seem bothered by that. We both did the tests a few months later and they were all negative.
Not all people are paranoid about diseases like you and me... and yet have unprotected sex!