I think I have destroyed by significant other by breaking up

GuyThePie · 5th July 2005, 4:00 PM

Hi. I started out on another forum here regarding my 11 year relationship. I took the advice given and arranged to see a counsellor. He talked and listened - he was an amazingly perceptive person, but at £40 per hour I should hope so

His advice after just the 1 hour session was that we should part as amicably as possible. He did advise me that he felt my SO had a deep sadness about the relationship.
We parted a few days later. I guess deep down I have known the relationship was over for sometime and I guess I had already begun the process of detaching myself.
The problem is that I underestimated just how deep my SO's sadness was

She is simply devastated. She phones and texts me frequently, and has visited a couple of times (all within 4 days since we broke up). I cannot say wants she wants to hear that I'll take her back and everything will be ok. There's simply been too much hurt, affairs and just a general lack of chemistry between us.
I just don't know what to do, she says she is dying inside. I want to help, but there is nothing I can say to make the pain stop for her. The wierd thing is that she is the one who has always expressed doubts, she is the one who was going to leave me for another man a couple of years ago. I think she'd been using me as some kind of emotional prop, and now that I'm gone she's fallen apart.
Is there anything I can / should do to help her through this? She's living with her parents but I'm not sure they're helping her that much. I tell her that it's not fair on either of us being in a relationship that isn't working, but she blames me for not having done enough (even though the counsellor actually told her she was being unfair in blaming me).
Any advice would be helpful

lindya · 5th July 2005, 5:12 PM

Ouch. Sounds a painful situation.

Relationships that have been fraught with difficulties often are harder to get over. Your ex may be feeling that even though she had doubts about how well the two of you worked together, she persevered through those doubts and difficulties. She may be feeling that your dissatisfaction is more recent, and that you've acted very quickly on it rather than trying to work through things in the way that she did.

That's not in any way to suggest such a perspective would be right and fair (particularly as she almost left you for another man a couple of years ago).

It sounds as if you have a good rapport with your counsellor - though I'm a little surprised that he advised you to end the relationship. I'd have thought most counsellors fight shy of giving that sort of direct advice. Then again, I don't know the context in which he said this. He'll be the best placed person to help you decide whether there's anything you can really do to ease your ex's pain - especially as it sounds as if he's counselled the two of you as a couple.

GuyThePie · 5th July 2005, 8:47 PM

I hadn't actually thought about it like that - that I'm giving up too quickly. Certainly isn't the case really, it was always me that tried to reassure her that everything will be ok - with hindsight the wrong thing to do!
The counsellor really picked up on the things *not* being said. (Though I thought he'd of stretched things out over a few sessions!) He felt we had "coluded" to avoid the underlying very serious issues and that we should try and acheive closure so we can move on. He said in his experience couples rarely get any happier in our situation, and why waste your life in a troubled relationship when there are plenty more people with whom you could have a great relationship with. He said would it not be better to be able to meet up in a couple of years time and tell each other how happy we were with our new partners. A point that hit home with me.

I suggested she should go back to the counsellor but she says she won't as it reminds her of when we went there together

I have tried telling her to call her friends, go and stay with her brother etc. but she seems unable to do anything, other than call and text me

Candy Cane · 6th July 2005, 2:36 AM

She sounds messed up. I think she needs some professional help with that. You should bail and find someone more emotionally healthy. It's sad to see, but sounds like she'd be going down regardless of whether you are around or not. I'd recommend you not let her drag you down with her.

Zaira · 6th July 2005, 2:41 AM

After 11 years, it is not unreasonable for her to be devastated. As much as she may have realised that the relationship is not going to work, having you out of her life completely, so suddenly, would be a HUGE shock to the system. She would benefit from seeing a counsellor on her own. If you're doing well, then keep moving on with your life. I don't think it would hurt you though to be there for her, for a little while (because I am sure she thinks of you as a close friend after all you've been through too), but let her know that the time you spend together will have to become less frequent, as that is the only way you will both be able to truly move on and be happy.

Candy Cane · 6th July 2005, 2:57 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by ~Zaira~
After 11 years, it is not unreasonable for her to be devastated.

Yeah...that's true. It would be hard for to throw it all away after 11 years of being with someone. After 11 years, you'd almost feel like you've earned the right to mess with your SO's head. Gosh...whatever happened to marriage and commitment? I don't understand this, "Let's give it a go for 11 years and see if things work out." That can't be a healthy approach.

broken guy · 6th July 2005, 4:06 AM

I sort of know what she is going through. Granted, mine was 4 years, but the end sounded ALMOST the same except that I was the one to reassure her that everything would be alright yet I was the one dumped in a horrific way for another guy we knew.
Yes, I feel like she left me based on the recent problems of my depression with work, family and solitude and never gave us the chance to work over these problems as I had done with her previously when she was like me.
Its been over 3 months yet I have not been calling her or going to see her and say Im dying. Its true that I am in a massive depression over this but I wont fall on my knees and beg her to listen to reason. Money can be a powerful influence on women and she has got that now.
I simply suggest being honest with her and dont say anything devistating that you make up (my ex did!).
Good luck.

ReluctantRomeo · 6th July 2005, 7:14 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by GuyThePie
I have tried telling her to call her friends, go and stay with her brother etc. but she seems unable to do anything, other than call and text me

This is understandable - she's devastated. Kudos to you for being kind and responsible and wanting to treat her well.

If you're sure about the break up, this is what I suggest: a period (say a month) of No Contact. Not because you hate each other, but because you both need time and space to start getting over the relationship. I'd reassure her that you still care for her and want to help, but that you think this will be the biggest help for her right now. Even if it doesn't seem that way.

Mark the date on your calendar, and check in with her by phone in a month's time... before trying another month of the same...