[katheryn]

hi me and my husband have been together for 16years married for 14years we have 2 children 11+ 13 i also have 2 girls from previous relationship 18+21 the 21 year old is classed as disabled due to behavioral problems and learning dificulities our son has adhd, since march this year we been having problems ,i eventually ended up being depressed and put on anti depressants,my next door neighbor would spend all of her free time with me and my husband,

when my husband told me he had had enough and moved out i thought she was friends with both of us he moved back home up the road with his parents,since the start of June he told me he loved me but couldn't live with me any more because we were arguing all the time but i tried to tell him that we were arguing because he was spending a lot of time with this woman even when i was at work down to phone calls in middle of the night , he says they are best friends but even know he spends all his free time in her house and even stayed the night saying he sleeps on the sofa,

we now don't talk because i think he has been having an affair with my friend but he wants the children to still go in her house this is not first marriage breakup she's been involved in,

he has stopped mixing with any of his friends and hates people who she has been involved with, they are trying to say that i pushed him away ,but his brother even told him what she was doing

[westernxer]

Originally posted by katheryn
he says they are best friends but even know he spends all his free time in her house and even stayed the night saying he sleeps on the sofa

Bullsh•t.

Talk about an insult to my intelligence, not to mention my manhood...

[d'Arthez]

It seems like a classic case of an affair, wherein he tries to make sense of his feelings: whom to choose? Possibly because she gave him an ultimatum, thus forcing the issue a bit.

It would be insane to remain friends with her. Given the suspicion, that seems completely warranted. It seems like the only thing missing is a capture of him in the act. There is no reason for you to send the children over to her - he wants to win them over for the new situation he is trying to shape.

[katheryn]

yesterday i went to a solicitor to see what i can do as we have a mortgage on the property which is in both names, i also told him what had been going on over the last few months he thinks that i have grounds for unreasonable behavior as he walked out and all the time he was spending with the neighbor .

one of these things was that while i was at work he and she would sit in my kitchen while my 18yr daughter and his brother was in room they would pass notes and mobile phone texts back and forth, my daughter never said anything because she didn't want to cause trouble, his brother stopped visiting,

when he had the two younger children yesterday for an hour he told my 11yr old daughter that he wouldn't go hospital with her as he didn't like the letter i sent him at the beginning of the week telling him a few things that i had seen and worked out for myself about he relationship with the neighbor

[Zaira]

Arrrggh! This fella is all wrong. Your neighbour is NOT someone I would want to remain friends with. Stuff what your husband wants. Take what actions you have to, to make YOU and your children happy.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by katheryn
when he had the two younger children yesterday for an hour he told my 11yr old daughter that he wouldn't go hospital with her as he didn't like the letter i sent him at the beginning of the week telling him a few things that i had seen and worked out for myself about he relationship with the neighbor

So, now he's taking it out on the kids? Not exactly a mature adult, would you say?

Have you two tried counseling?

[katheryn]

no we haven't tried councilling he refused point blank, but today i was told that they were snogging in her car when she dropped him of at his parents yesterday right were my children would have seen them if they went to the shop or chip shop so i cant see any point in waiting to see if he wanted to come back he has chosen what he wants ,

i was 7years older than him she is 8years older than him he will be 33 next month she has had 3 failed relationships in the past 16yrss well as part to play in a marriage breakup 5year ago, it was even two brothers she got involved last time ,so in the end i can hold my head up when it blows out who will they have.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by katheryn
no we haven't tried councilling he refused point blank

Not surprising in the least...

[d'Arthez]

Probably he is completely infatuated with her. Hence the refusal for councelling. It seems that he is weighing his options right now, as divorcing you to be with her comes with its consequences. Financially, and psychologically. Your kids are not going to be thankful to their dad for this.

And of course he suffers from a sense of immunity. That nothing can get to him in a bad way. For instance, that even when things with OW don't work out, he has you to fall back on. And of course, he is certain that things will work out, exactly in the way he imagined.

In all likelihood, he is not going to make changes to the situation, unless you or the OW compels him to do that. You are practically powerless, as he point-blank ignores you. Refuses councelling.

This is the time to assess your situation accurately, and look for advice of those board members who have more experience / to say on saving a marriage, than I can - if that is what you decide you want.

[katheryn]

just finished my night shift it is 8.15 here
he doesnt want to come back told me they wwerent togeather untill he left me but wants joint custody
going to go ahead with the divorce at the moment so i can make sure my children wellbeing is taken into account

[Zaira]

Remember - just because he is a sh*t of a husband, doesn't mean he's going to be a deadbeat dad. I wish you all the best in fnding YOUR happiness You deserve more than this fella can give anyway.

[katheryn]

thanks for the support, not saying he wont be a good dad but last 4months they have to fight for his attention what it going to be like with new girl friend in tow especially as they all now how much they hurt us all,

they are of an age to make there own minds as to what is going on the boy wasn't close to his dad because i done all the care for him appointments until recentally when he started going to secondary school he has been only a couple of times to specialist that deals with his meds he has been seeing doctors since he was 3 his dad only went a handful of times

the daughter is daddy's girl especially after she broke her arm and needed to stay in hospital for operation when we took in turns to stay with her i just hope he puts in his best eforts with them

[d'Arthez]

The children have a mind of their own. There will be no guarantee that they will forgive him for the divorce, or the affair. You should not encourage animosity - but there is also no guarantee that the father and his fling will do the same . Just hope for the best.

[katheryn]

i have tried to encourage hjim to see them but he didnt respond so im not the one who would cause amnosity, i never done this with my other two children so he should now that i wouldnt do it to his children if he going to wait untill courts sort it out that could be 4mths or more ,

and he walks past our house to get to hers and his parents were he is meant to be is on the way home from school, so the children can make up there own mind they both have mobile phones he hasnt sent them any messages for over a week and only took them out 4 awalk for an hour instead of the two on wed eve,

[Kat]

Pushing them towards their father is just as bad as pulling them away. Support them through this even though it will be hard for you and you need supporting. Being a parent is really hard some times.