So my gf broke up with me 2 months ago and we went out for 1.5 years. We are both 25 and this was the first real longterm relationship either of us ever had. I went crazy at first with constant emails and calls begging her to come back. Then I gave up more and more and she said she needed time to forgive. So for the past month we did NC, although she did try to contact me a few times when she was drunk, but I just ignored her.
Now I consider myself 99% healed and normal again. So all of a sudden she calls me(I didnt pick up) after having been broken up for 2 months. She says things didn't work with the new bf and that she wants to eat lunch. I texted her back saying I'm busy this week but maybe next week if I have time(of course in reality I could each lunch whenever, Im trying to not sound too enthusiastic).
Has this ever happened to anyone? When the ex contacts you after a long NC period? I really would like to start a new relationship with her, but I dont want to sound too eager. I'm guessing the strategy at lunch is not to talk about the mistakes I made in the old relationship, and not to tell her that I had one-night stands when we were apart. Besides that, does anyone have a good strategy for starting a new relationship after the old one is over?
Re: She breaks NC to say the new bf didn't work out
Quote:
Originally posted by niceguy69
So my gf broke up with me 2 months ago and we went out for 1.5 years. We are both 25 and this was the first real longterm relationship either of us ever had. I went crazy at first with constant emails and calls begging her to come back. Then I gave up more and more and she said she needed time to forgive. So for the past month we did NC, although she did try to contact me a few times when she was drunk, but I just ignored her.
Now I consider myself 99% healed and normal again. So all of a sudden she calls me(I didnt pick up) after having been broken up for 2 months. She says things didn't work with the new bf and that she wants to eat lunch. I texted her back saying I'm busy this week but maybe next week if I have time(of course in reality I could each lunch whenever, Im trying to not sound too enthusiastic).
You are in the drivers seat! However, a better answer would have been:
"I am busy this weekend...." and let HER make a suggestion for another day.
Quote:
Has this ever happened to anyone? When the ex contacts you after a long NC period? I really would like to start a new relationship with her, but I dont want to sound too eager. I'm guessing the strategy at lunch is not to talk about the mistakes I made in the old relationship, and not to tell her that I had one-night stands when we were apart. Besides that, does anyone have a good strategy for starting a new relationship after the old one is over?
Here's some tips:
1. Do not dwell on the past. Talk about past mistakes if she brings them up.
2. Set expectations early (boundaries).
3. Start as friends again and let love come naturally. You can not force it.
4. Resist the urge to show much if any emotion. Save it up and deal with it when you are not with her.
5. TAKE IT SLOW!
6. Read Universe's thread on "Love is a Station, Not a Destination", it offers some good advice.
7. Depending on why you broke up, what has changed about her or you that would make the situation different and workable? In other words, why did you split up?
Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or another other relationship based book? It can't hurt.
Although she dumped me, it was all basically my fault. I was being needy, getting bored, and not communicating that much anymore. Plus I would say how hot other girls were and I would always bring her out to the cheapest possible restaurants because I didnt see the point of spending money on her.
I never knew how to be a good bf because I never had a real gf before. All my previous relationships lasted a few weeks(the majority lasted from 2:30am-2:45am).
Since we broke up I have read about 8 books on relationship, love, divorce, and spirituality. Getting dumped really fixed my life, and that's why I think a new relationship could work out. The reason I want to "try again" with her is just that we had so much in common and we had alot of potential. It is weird though, I wanted the ball in my court for the past 2 months, and now that it finally is, I dont really care that much one way or the other.
Originally posted by niceguy69
Although she dumped me, it was all basically my fault. I was being needy, getting bored, and not communicating that much anymore. Plus I would say how hot other girls were and I would always bring her out to the cheapest possible restaurants because I didnt see the point of spending money on her.
I never knew how to be a good bf because I never had a real gf before. All my previous relationships lasted a few weeks(the majority lasted from 2:30am-2:45am).
Since we broke up I have read about 8 books on relationship, love, divorce, and spirituality. Getting dumped really fixed my life, and that's why I think a new relationship could work out. The reason I want to "try again" with her is just that we had so much in common and we had alot of potential. It is weird though, I wanted the ball in my court for the past 2 months, and now that it finally is, I dont really care that much one way or the other.
TAKE IT SLOW.
Don't rush. She needs to see you have changed by your actions, attitude, demeanor, etc. Just remain calm, confident, self-assured and masculine (needy men are not masculine).
You have to start from scratch again, learning about each other. Read, read, read Universe's thread in "Love is a Station, Not a Destination" and you'll have some good insight.
What books did you read? I am curious. The Blase Harris book has some good tips on what to do when you have meetings with an Ex or how to work back into the relationship in a healthy way. From what you say, you could benefit from that book.
Not I. I loved TOO much
Last edited by ConfusedInOC; 27th June 2005 at 5:49 PM..
Perhaps after two months without you, she's realised what she's lost.
Tough. If someone wants to frisk off to try out the greener grass then there's not much you can do about it, but you can lock the gate on your own lush pastures. Let her back in, and you might well find yourself desperately trying to peel off a sticky and humiliating "fall back squeeze" label when she decides it's time to go hunting again.
Originally posted by lindya
Perhaps after two months without you, she's realised what she's lost.
Tough. If someone wants to frisk off to try out the greener grass then there's not much you can do about it, but you can lock the gate on your own lush pastures. Let her back in, and you might well find yourself desperately trying to peel off a sticky and humiliating "fall back squeeze" label when she decides it's time to go hunting again.
Slamming the gate shut isn't always the answer, either. If he really wants her and she really realized her mistake, then I see no harm in giving it another try - BUT - with certain rules. When people leave for greener pastures, our pride tells us it was nothing we did. But in this case, he is admitting to his contribution to the demise of the relationship.
But for it to succeed now, something has to have changed. Him, Her or the Circumstances. He is saying "I know what I did wrong and fixed my problems." In this case, HE is the one who changed. That means their is a chance for success. If nothing had changed, then I would agree that it would be pointless.
If they both are open to working things out then why close the door? We always want to preach that there are many other fish in the sea, but if there is a fish you want and you think you can work it out, it's my opinion that not at least exploring it is doing yourself a disservice.
Losing the one you love can have a significant impact on changing you positively if you use the experience to open your eyes to what you can improve on personally.
It sounds like you have changed for the better, but that is no guarantee that she has. If you want her back, play it cautious - be ever mindful that you try to stay the guy she is coming back to and don't revert back to the guy she dumped. Old habits die hard, particularly when they are driven by emotions. Be careful.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
You sound like you dont even really want to be with her either. You said you wanted the ball in your court but now you don't really care and you have healed. If you don't really care do get back with her then don't. Once you hae gone through the healing phase you pretty much get past it. I am not emotionally concerned with my ex anymore.
I wanted her back like crazy but now I'm glad we aren't together and probly wouldn't get back with her even if she called me up and told me she wanted to. I have moved on. Who knows though. Since you are healed for the most part you might think about it now with emtions put aside. What does she bring to the table that makes her that much of an asset to you ? Seems like you are feeling about it as I am with my ex. you could give a toss if you got back together at this point. Anyways think about but whatever you chose I hope it turns out for the best.
Peace
PS. Also if she told me her new relationship didn't work out id be soo insulted. I'd seriously say what the F do I look like a backup plan ? Id let her know that she was being greedy this whole time. It is. she gets bored with you and goes off with someone else to find out its not what she wants so she comes back. You have to think about that key element too !!
Last edited by mixwell; 28th June 2005 at 1:25 AM..
Lovesick, Letting Go, Love must be tough, The 4 loves,...etc. I know the titles of those books sound pretty gay, but they are informative.
My exgf said she never slept with the new bf, she said she couldn't even kiss him, so that makes me feel better. Plus I told her I had a new gf for a little while too. I will take your advice, and take it slow. If it doesn't work out this time then, it was just not meant to be. But I have to try at least one more time...
Originally posted by niceguy69
Lovesick, Letting Go, Love must be tough, The 4 loves,...etc. I know the titles of those books sound pretty gay, but they are informative.
My exgf said she never slept with the new bf, she said she couldn't even kiss him, so that makes me feel better. Plus I told her I had a new gf for a little while too. I will take your advice, and take it slow. If it doesn't work out this time then, it was just not meant to be. But I have to try at least one more time...
If that is what you want, you have the right attitude. Nice and slow.
You ARE in the driver's seat, but make sure you have boundaries and repercussions for crossing them.
Originally posted by niceguy69
My exgf said she never slept with the new bf, she said she couldn't even kiss him, so that makes me feel better.
No offense but thats most likely BS. shes going to say whatever she thinks makes you more likely to get back with her. I know you might be thinking yeah but my ex never lied to me and this and that.. Well I was with my ex for 7 years (im 22) and she never lied to me, until she was going out with this new guy. She denied it for the longest time even when i knew for a fact they were together.. All im saying is don't beleive everything she tells you!! I know you have made up your mind but just don't be to naive..
Originally posted by niceguy69
Although she dumped me, it was all basically my fault. I was being needy, getting bored, and not communicating that much anymore. Plus I would say how hot other girls were and I would always bring her out to the cheapest possible restaurants because I didnt see the point of spending money on her.
I never knew how to be a good bf because I never had a real gf before. All my previous relationships lasted a few weeks(the majority lasted from 2:30am-2:45am).
Since we broke up I have read about 8 books on relationship, love, divorce, and spirituality. Getting dumped really fixed my life, and that's why I think a new relationship could work out. The reason I want to "try again" with her is just that we had so much in common and we had alot of potential. It is weird though, I wanted the ball in my court for the past 2 months, and now that it finally is, I dont really care that much one way or the other.
Go for it man. you're doing the righ tthing. Just don't come on to strong,and lay down some ground rule. Just be light and play hard to get at first. Also,don't get so emotional on her. protect your heart at all level.
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