[smile95]

For all of us who find ourselves hurt or trying to cope over the loss of a person in our life whom we once loved........I read this and it made me feel really great! I hope it does the same for all who need it.



Love is not about trying to get the love and approval of someone who is
emotionally or otherwise unavailable to you, for whatever reason. Sure, it feels
like you must love the person a great deal more because you are always yearning
for more. Most people don't get this concept, which is that the grass is always
greener when it's not your grass. But ultimately, it's not love - it's the
thrill of the chase. Of course the emotions felt are more intense - uncertainty
that you will achieve your objective always does. Remember how you feel before
you get your exam results? It's about the same thing. It's always exciting when
you start on a new pursuit - but that is all it is, a pursuit. Which is why guys
often lose interest when they've actually got the girl and start taking her for
granted. I shall remember this in future, especially the fatal attraction bit.

Love grows over time, and as you get to know the person. It is never a one-sided
effort. If he/she will not make the effort to get to know and understand you and
why you react the way you do, it will never work. If he/she cannot compromise,
it will never work. If he/she does not respect you as a person and treat you
well, it will never work. If he/she betrays your trust and does things behind
your back during your relationship, it will never work. If he/she cannot put
aside his/her pride and admit when they are wrong, it will never work. If pride
is so important that nothing else matters but that the person be right all the
time, it will never work. It will never work, because the person who can do all
this, does not love you. He/She loves himself/herself more.

And if he/she can stand by and watch you cry and be totally unmoved by your
pain, he/she never loved you at all.

I have broken up with people I have loved, and it was never their tears or their
pain alone. It was never just his loss, it was our loss. Reading my old diary, I
realise that I've forgotten what love is. Love is not about being happy during
the good times. Love is when two people re-affirm their commitment to work
things out during the bad times, knowing that there are problems ahead, but
being committed to resolve them together, because you both know you have
something special. Love is about doing something you don't really want to do, or
going out of your way, because you want to make the other person happy. Love is
wanting to be there for the person, and never wanting the person to cry or be
hurt in anyway, and if you could take the hit for him/her, you would. You hurt
when he/she falls down, or other people do things that hurt him/her. Love is
when you are having problems, but you put aside those problems to deal with
problems which your loved one is facing, because he/she needs your support then.

And don't waste your time loving someone who cannot reciprocate it for whatever
reason - be it that they don't feel that way for you, or that they are not
capable of love as defined above. One day, they will realize that what they get
out of a relationship is equivalent to what they put in. Don't waste it on
someone who doesn't appreciate it or who doesn't want what you can give. There
is always someone out there who will.

[Fallen_Angel]

Thanks Beth...those words are very powerful.

My biggest problem in the initial phases of the breakup (and the words that came out of my mouth after he dropped the bomb, no less!) was coming to terms with the fact that he didn't love me the same way anymore. I asked him over and over why two people who loved each other couldn't be together, but it has become apparent to me that he no longer wanted to put in the same amount of effort.

I'm moving on little by little, but sometimes it still feels like it just happened. I try to comfort myself by reminding myself he really DID care about me - he ended the relationship in a thoughtful and honest way, so I can't fault him for that. I still find myself trying to gauge what he's thinking and how he's handling things - I mean, he forgot my birthday, which made me feel like $h*t because I went out of my way to acknowledge his, so he can't be thinking of me THAT much! All in all, though, I don't want to spend too much time overanalyzing someone who I can only assume doesn't spend the same amount of time thinking of me - life's too short for that.

[darhma]

beth5201

That is a great post. Thank you for sharing your insight.

"Love is more than just a feeling it is a comitment to think more of that persons welfare than you do of your own"

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Such a good post.

I was "suddenly" (although not unexpectedly) feeling blue today. Wonder where it comes from, this sudden grey cloud over my head, when I just don't manage to feel good no matter what! But reading some "new" thoughts on LS always helps - it could be a write-up like this one, someone's insightful answer, or the jokes!!

I've observed that all the qualities that are described as belonging to a person who truly loves, are actually those that would belong to your best, dearest friend. The only difference is, it's minus the physical attraction.

Which makes me think that romantic love cannot exist without selfishness, somehow - and which is why it so often cracks. The love of a true friend, on the other hand, is mostly unselfish, it exists just because the person truly cares for you and likes you for who you are, and so it lasts.

If a relationship survives long enough, and the thrill of the chase wears off like you observed, the physical attraction and the dreamy feeling vanishes. And after that, there are two possibilities - either the "love" dies, or the real friendship that it was based upon sustains it.
And a lot of relationships that have survived a long time are just that - more of a deep, caring friendship and companionship.

Ah well....just my thoughts...needed to write them down!!