[kimmi46]

Well, I think my situation is different than most peoples, but I am interested in hearing feedback from anyone who wishes to give their opinion, guys, girls, straight, or gay.

I am a 46 year old straight female, divorced once. Kids are 19 and 24 and moved out. I met a man 10-4-2003, and we seem to hit it off very well. Ten months later he moved in with me. We have talked about marriage but right now I am leaning towards NOT marrying him and I will explain why.

Nine months after he moved in, he forgot to close a browser window on the computer properly and I found out that he had posted a profile of himself on a gay website, along with several photos. I was absolutely humiliated and it just floored me, because I had no clue he had gay tendecies... I originally asked him to look for another place for himself to move to... but then the shock wore off, and a month has passed and it really works out financially better if we share my apartment. He has chosen not to go to counselling, but I still go on my own accord. He says he is not gay, that he loves me and wants to work things out. I am not completely sure that I can trust him, after this ordeal. He says he never met with any men, and I somewhat believe him, but what if he is just in denial and one day chooses to come out of the closet. What am I to think about what he did, posting a profile online on a gay website? Needless to say I deleted it... Wonder if he would have?

[soccorsilly]

I would not freak out on this just yet. This could just be a case of being curious. A questions--was it a free site or did he have to pay to post a profile?

I would think that after two years of living together, if he were gay, you would have figured it out a lot sooner than now.

I would believe him till he gives you reason to not.

[kimmi46]

Originally posted by soccorsilly
I would not freak out on this just yet. This could just be a case of being curious. A questions--was it a free site or did he have to pay to post a profile?

I would think that after two years of living together, if he were gay, you would have figured it out a lot sooner than now.

I would believe him till he gives you reason to not.

[smile95]

I am sorry, I do not agree with the above....if a guy is not gay, why is he posting on a gay site? That thought would not even cross my mind unless I was gay or thinking I may be.

I know several stories of guys leaving their wife and kids who pretended to be straight for 20+ yrs, so 2 yrs is not a guarantee that he is straight. Just keep your eyes open. Ask himto be honest with you. If you believe him and can tell he is being honest, maybe he was just goofing around on the site and it meant nothing. You know him best, but all those wives who were shocked about their husbands prob thought they knew them too. Be careful. Do what you feel is best.

[Sal Paradise]

90% chance he is gay. 10% chance he was just curious.

EDIT: If he's not gay the only legit reason I can think for him posting pictures of himself is because he is insecure about his looks and figured a good way to find out how he looks is to see how many responses he got. Perhaps he thought gay men would be more honest than straight women. Still sounds fishy to me though. I'd lean toward him being in the closet.

[Tony]

I am 100 percent heterosexual and there is absolutely no chance at all I would post my picture on a gay website...not even on a dare. I think this behavior raises many questions. Wasn't it a whole lot better when there was no Internet?

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Tony
I am 100 percent heterosexual and there is absolutely no chance at all I would post my picture on a gay website...not even on a dare. I think this behavior raises many questions. Wasn't it a whole lot better when there was no Internet?

Not really. He would still be gay and in the closet. He would just have to go to a gay bar in secret to meet people. The internet isn't the problem, society is. If society wasn't as homophobic you'd have a lot less of this crap.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by soccorsilly
I would not freak out on this just yet. This could just be a case of being curious. A questions--was it a free site or did he have to pay to post a profile?

I would think that after two years of living together, if he were gay, you would have figured it out a lot sooner than now.

I would believe him till he gives you reason to not.

Being "just curious" would be a guy perhaps browsing such a site. He did much more than that - he not only created a profile but he posted multiple pictures of himself. Tell me how many straight men you know who'd do such a thing?, who'd go to such lengths - as to invitiing interest and responses from gay men?

Just because they've been living together for 2 years doesn't really matter at all. There's many gay men out there who've been married for many years, who've even had children with their wife - who eventually go on to "come out of the closet" - who very often lead a secret life of having encounters with men. Often they'll try to deny their attraction and orientation by marrying and trying to "make themself straight" - to protect them from scrutiny of their family, their employer, their standing in the community, etc.

He's already given her plenty of reason - what more does she need, to catch HIV or catch him in bed with a guy?

I am curious that he would have been so careless to not have hidden his tracks better....maybe he was looking to get caught?

The original poster never did explain to us the explanation her guy provided when she busted him for this personal ad/pics on the gay singles site - I can't even imagine how he would have talked himself out of that one.

I have a hard time understanding why a women who's not married to a guy in this situation (where the commitment is higher and the prospect of an ugly divorce might be a factor) - would even have any respect for the guy. Financial reasons isn't a "good enough reason" to remain in a relationship with someone you don't trust. By the way, what kind of 46 yr old man has to move into an apartment with his girlfriend? Didn't he have his own home?

Are you taking such risks with your health and life that you're having sex with him?

If he's not gay, I'd suspect then that he's bisexual or at least, bicurious. What if you'd not found this? What would he be doing? Would he be out there meeting up with these men? How do you know he's not doing it now but just being more careful to cover his tracks?

I don't know why you'd remain in such a situation.

[kimmi46]

I want to thank all who have replied to my original thread, as it has given me food for thought.... First off, it was a FREE website, maybe curious and feeling a bit inferior to other men. He is very thin build, not really muscular, what have you. I agree with the thinking of "What straight man would post a profile, and photos on a gay site?" And I still have a difficult time understanding why he did such. His response, when I caught him, was "I guess I was hoping to get caught, or I would have closed the browser better, AND used a password that wasn't my obvious regular password." At any rate, we have both been down the road of divorce and bankruptcy before, and is why we are back to renting an apartment in our 40's. It would be nice to be a lot further ahead in life. Have I slept with him since this ordeal? I have to admit that I have. His sex drive is low, like once a week, not on a work day (too tired on his part), and I don't even know where I expect this to go from here. I do believe a lot of gay men marry women to look good in the eyes of their parents, siblings, etc... and then either leave later, or secretly have gay affairs later to satisfy their curiousity and needs. Do I deserve settling for this? I often think I deserve much better. Please continue to give me your feedback.... Thanks very much. (Kimmi in CA)

[westernxer]

The guy's gay.

[shygurl]

This makes no sense....if he was feeling inferior to other men, I could see him looking on a HETERO singles site......at the mens' profiles there, to see what the average guy out there looks like............(I'm assuming you're talking overall physical appearance or are you talking penis size?)..........but why post pics of himself? That makes no sense at all.....if someone is feeling inferior, why would they want to post their pics on a public site? I'm sorry but I think you're in a lot of denial.

Are you content living and sleeping (albeit it not very often) with a man who's likely gay or at least is bisexual? I mean ,there's nothing wrong with gay or bisexual men, of course........but do you want to remain with someone who is perhaps remaining with you to hide their secret? to make things in their life better financially? Or do you want to be with someone who loves you passionately, who you can trust, who you don't have to worry is running around with men behind your back?

Are there any other things about him that seem amiss? Is he affectionate to you? Does he seem distant? Does he spent unexplained periods of time away from home/always coming home from work late? Getting strange calls? Is he secretive? Does he tell you he loves you and look you in the eye when he says it? Does he show you love?

What do you want here?

[kimmi46]

He does not act at a distance towards me, he is affectionate, not quite as much of a touchy feely guy, as I am a woman who touches and feels. He comes home right after work every night, doesn't go hang out with any buddies. He acts as though he prefers for "us" to spend our time away from work together most always. We shop together, Home Depot, Groceries, Clothes, all of it... We do enjoy each other's company, rarely ever argue. I guess I just haven't figured out WHAT I want at this moment. He does auto technian work for a living, but for hobbies, he like to oil-paint, work with wood (build shelves, entertainment center, etc...), he is electronically motivated with hooking up lights and appliances to work off a remote, he likes to "decorate" the rooms in the apartment nicely.... We all know home decorators tend to be gay. Like Nate on Oprah..... Love his talents, I must say.

I am just trying to weigh the pros and cons and figure out what would be best for me, and for him as well....

[b52srock]

Oh good Lord...

OK, was married for nearly 6 years before finding out my ex was a closet cross-dresser. Came out of the closet on it, and while things went well for a while, it totally went downhill once the internet came into the picture.

He became obsessed with gay porn sites (even though we had a fabulous sex life), having a website of his own as "her", registered us on bondage sites, swinging sites, gay sites, couples sites, you name it...all without my knowledge or permission.

Your situation could honestly go in either direction, but you HAVE to ask yourself...can I live with this or not? If you can, kudos to you...if not...get out now. Believe me, being second in line to his "fetish" is no way to live. I tried, for 12 more years. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

[scared shy]

My friend who is roommates with the guy I like saw a gay porn website on her computer after he was done using it. Now I at first went batty thinking what in the hell? I came on here for advice questioning if a straight man would do this, I got a lot of good feedback. Questioned him about it, apparently he was surfing all sorts of "dirty" porn and was directed all over the place... I am still wondering did he leave it up to be caught or was it a pure accident. I tend to believe at the very least he is curious, he is a porn addict well an addict all around, and I think he is just De-sensitized to the norm porn. This could be me in denial...
Just let me say that if it had been your situation there would have been no doubt in my mind that he was gay. Well it would be safe to say he is bi at the very least since you and him are still intimate. But for your sake please do not kid yourself, someday if it hasn't already happened it will go further than just a website.

[SoleMate]

...90% chance he is gay. 10% chance he was just curious....

I agree, except I would make it 98% and 2%. Lots of gay men try to hide it.