[kismet33]

Hi I am looking for some guidance into my situation as I feel overwhelmed. I have been with my Dh for nearly 20 years and thought that we had a good marriage. We have been through a lot with infertility for the last 12 years and also issues with his dysfunctional family. But until 3 months ago, I would have said we were happy. Then things started to fall apart. He started going out alone to work functions. Not a big drama as I had always felt secure that we had separate friendships. But things like always having coffee with the girls from work. Alarm bells started to ring and then I challenged him on his behaviour and he left. I got the whole "I love you but I am not in love with you " spiel. I am absolutely gutted. I asked him if there is someone else, he says there could be. He is attracted to someone so therefore thinks that is grounds to walk away. Plus the wanting a baby issue.

I have told him I love him and will go to counselling to try and work this out. I have spent the last 3 weeks looking at myself and realise that I have a part to play in this breakdown. I was so obsessed with having a 2nd child, that I neglected nearly every other aspect of my life.

Last week, I told him NC unless it was to discuss us as I found it too upsetting seeing him. I want him to see our son, and have told him he is welcome anytime. He just needs to let me know a time. Not just walk in whenever he feels like it.

My take on this is that I am still in love with him,but feel that we lost the magic as we were too busy with other things to stop and love each other. But I feel as though he is just prepared to walk away.

I am finding this really difficult as he has always been someone with integrity and now it is like he has been abducted by aliens and taken over by someone who would throw it all away for a fling. (I don't think he has acted on it, I think it is just flirtation at the moment)

My questions are: should I give him a time limit to sort out his stuff? I really am not prepared to just toss away this marriage if this is just a mid life crisis. I love this man, even though at the moment I do not like what he is doing.

I am using this time to sort out a lot of my issues as can see that during this time I have gradually lost my real sense of self. (ongoing infertitility and 5 miscarriages does not do a real lot to your self esteem). Ironically, I now realise that I no longer want another child. So the soul searching has achieved something which must be a good thing.

Anyhow I am rambling. I just wanted some insights as those close to me are too close IYKWIM.

Thanks

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry to say it...but it's likely that your husband is already involved with the OW. It's a generalization, I know (and apologise in advance to the guys), but men usually don't leave like that....unless they're sexually involved with someone else.

There are other reasons why a man might leave, certainly. But those reasons will be fairly plain and easy to identify. The old "I-love-you-but-I'm-not-in-love-with-you" is straight out of the Cheater's Handbook.

It's clear that you've had other problems in the relationship. And it's fair to say that you're almost certainly dealing with a Male Midlife Crisis. Affairs are often symptomatic of BOTH those things.

You might begin by researching the "midlife crisis". There's ALOT of info to be had on that just by googling. You might pay particular attention to the physiological aspects of it.

And you need to get the correct information about the affair partner. Your WH (wayward husband) will not tell you the truth. They almost NEVER do.



p.s. One more thing.... Sometimes when a man is having an affair and his intention is divorce, he goes to great lengths to keep the affair on the 'down-low' until AFTER the divorce is final. The thought process is that he'll be damaged in the legal proceedings if the infidelity is discovered.

Unfortunately, you won't have to read far in the OM/OW forum to confirm that as a common tactic.

[Haunani]

My husband has meetings all the time with ladies. I was recently told one "stroked" his growing goatee and asked him "What's this?". I asked him how he would feel if it happened to me? That some guy stroked my newly cut hair and asked "whats this", I've had the silent treatment ever since. That was 4 days ago.

He did tell me "you're blowing this out of proportion, it's all innocent". You know her......

I think it's the attention thing they are getting from others and not from home that's making them feel they can walk on water.

Hang in there, something has to give.