[kilombo]

I've been in an open-ended relationship with an ex who is significantly older than me. I suppose for more details you can refer to previous posts of mine...

I met someone else, we ended up making out but it stopped there. We break off.

Awhile later, my ex suggests I move in with him, I suppose because he wants me to but also to keep me in the city 'cause my work contract is ending. I leave that up in the air.

I have another encounter with the other guy and we end up making out again, but no further than that. I have to explain that in fact I'm somewhat committed to someone else. I didn't give him details 'cause it was unromantic enough.

I figure I've messed up. I'm highly fond of both guys (well I hardly know guy #2 but he did blow me away). I've refused to move in with the ex and sent my goodbyes to the other one. I'm moving away for awhile and I suppose I'll think things out, but instinct tells me it's senseless getting in touch with especially the second guy when I get back, 'cause I've damaged his trust in me. Any thoughts?

[kellyp1]

You kind of have to reconcile that with yourself. It depends on what having an "open relationship" means. You have to make this call though and I think taking the time off is a great idea.

[kilombo]

Thanks. I dunno the open relationship is really quite open but I still felt like I was cheating. Go figure. I don't think I'm built for it.

[dawn duval]

Kilombo -- sounds like you didn't deceive anyone; the relationship with the ex was open anyway and you told the new guy before things went too far. Maybe I misinterpreted? If that's correct, then I don't think you blew it. I understand feeling that maybe you should have been more upfront about your situation, but I think he'll understand that you were in a complicated relationship and unsure where things were going.

People forgive far worse crimes than what you've described. You sound very thoughtful and sensitive, and possibly you're ruling yourself out because you're anticipating his reaction. I think if you explain that that's not how you operate in general, he'll be understanding. Sounds like you want to see where things could go with the new guy, and I think you should give it a shot.

[kilombo]

the relationship with the ex was open anyway and you told the new guy before things went too far. Maybe I misinterpreted? If that's correct, then I don't think you blew it. I understand feeling that maybe you should have been more upfront about your situation, but I think he'll understand that you were in a complicated relationship and unsure where things were going.

Thanks for your interpretation of things, you're nice and not only that, you hit the nail on the head. I was very confused with what my ex was proposing, and since I don't know what to think, in order to be respectful I had to clear up all ambiguity in my life. I should have waited a bit. While I'm in the middle of saying my goodbyes to the man I know will never just be a friend, it seems that my ex was also overwhelmed by his latest leap of commitment and now he's gone awol. First he had major work commitments because he just got a big promotion. Tonight he's playing video games with a friend and guess what, I've got nowhere to go 'cause I've just cut loose my other date and I've been out with my girlfriends all week.

The sad thing is that I don't think I can just ask for my other date back. I don't know he is supposed to understand all of this. If I put myself in his shoes, I would have ditched me without looking back, especially since he's overworked and full of too many responsibilities and the last thing he wants is anything serious, so it really isn't in his interest to wrap his head around this soap opera. And when he commits to someone seriously, it will be to an uncomplicated girl. Perhaps it's sorta Maddonna-whore complexish, but it's just reality.

I was really happy not being commited to anyone in particular. Note to men who are in casual relationships: Don't be selfish. If you do the flip flop thing she'll hate you for it and you'll never know why because she won't talk about the other romatic interests that she had to let go of because she likes you too much to hurt your feelings.

Thanks for letting me get that out..