You may have seen my previous post regarding that my gf and I are complete opposites.
As I mentioned there, we're relatively new but things were going well.
Until last night....
Out of the blue she asked me why we haven't slept together yet, when she has obviously been giving me alot of clues that she would be willing too.
First off, I haven't dated much, so maybe these obvious clues aren't so obvious to me, so I apologized that if she felt I snubbed her, but secondly I told her even if they were clear I'm just not ready yet.
So we kick off this discussion as to why I am making such a big deal about it?
She said that I am putting too much emphasis on its importance, and that to just accept it for what it is another act that two people can enjoy together, who have mutual respect for each other.
I'm not from the same school of thought.
For me, its about making a commitment. Something I don't lightly and done unless I am whole heartly behind it. I'm not going to lessen it just so I can enjoy myself for an evening. Other people can choose to do what they wish, and I do not think any less of them, but that's not for me and I hope she can respect that.
Now she thinks I think she's a whore cause she generally slept with any guy she's been with for more that three weeks. Even though I never called her a whore.
I think she expects sex to draw the two of you closer. You want to draw closer to her before you have sex.
Opposites is right.
You'll just have to work through this... let her know you don't think she's a slut; it's just that you think differently. If she's down, she'll stick around for awhile (unless she has to wait too long).
She's a creature of habit in this regard, but aren't we all?
Originally posted by ImaManDammit
She said that I am putting too much emphasis on its importance, and that to just accept it for what it is another act that two people can enjoy together, who have mutual respect for each other.
I'm not from the same school of thought.
For me, its about making a commitment. Something I don't lightly and done unless I am whole heartly behind it. I'm not going to lessen it just so I can enjoy myself for an evening. Other people can choose to do what they wish, and I do not think any less of them, but that's not for me and I hope she can respect that.
Now she thinks I think she's a whore cause she generally slept with any guy she's been with for more that three weeks. Even though I never called her a whore.
I'm wrong or outdated in how I feel. Help!
you are not wrong. and she is neither right. what you are doing is right for YOU, what you feel comfortable with.
she, even though you are opposites, needs to respect your beliefs and decisions. She is as equally a part of the relationship as you and should give you the same respect and consideration that i would hope you give her.
let's put you in her place, and she in yours. So YOU are now the one pressuring her to have sex....well that just does not fly in society, that can be considered Sexual Harrassment.
would you do that to her? why should she be able to treat you that way?
__________________ Glitter: The herpes of craft supplies.
~Demitri Martin
You two really should have had this discussion before you got emotionally invested and began considering yourselves a relationship. This is a major issue, and if you'd talked about it to start out with, you'd see that the differences in values between you two are going to get in the way.
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Now she thinks I think she's a whore cause she generally slept with any guy she's been with for more that three weeks. Even though I never called her a whore.
These are her own insecurities and doubts. If you told her how what you believe without saying that there's anything wrong with how she handles her life, yet now she questions herself, then it's her problem. If some part of her didn't belive it was wrong and question it, then she wouldn't doubt herself. She may not admit this though.
(To all: Don't confuse what I've said with me saying that all people know this kind of behavior is wrong. Some people may not see it that way, but this woman's reaction indicates that she probably does.)
If she feels she needs to change, it's up to her. She might not want to though, because even if she somehow feels it's wrong, she may enjoy living her life that way and see no reason to change that. And neither of you should change to adapt to what the other wants.
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I'm wrong or outdated in how I feel. Help!
No. You may now be rare in having this belief and sticking to it, but you're not wrong. If she doesn't share your belief, then the two of you are probably not right for each other after all, even if you make each other feel happy. Both of you need someone who shares your values, and this is a pretty big one.
If she's pushing for sex, and you're pushing her not to have it, and both of you decide to stay in the relationship, then one of you will have to give in to the other. And that will probably leave the one who does feeling a bit resentful.
__________________ "It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not."
Originally posted by crazy_grl
And neither of you should change to adapt to what the other wants.
I felt I should clarify this. I meant you should not change at the expense of your own happiness or just to make yourself into something/someone that the other person wants. You should find someone who wants you for you. Not to be confused with compromising and adapting to each other.
I think she expects sex to draw the two of you closer. You want to draw closer to her before you have sex.
This is funny because that dichotomy is usually reversed; the male wanting sex to become closer and the female wanting closeness first!
Nonetheless, you're not a 'dinosaur' and she's not a 'slut'. That would imply that one or the other of you is 'right' but neither is. You are right for yourself and your own values and emotions as is she for hers. The others are right, if you can't come to some common ground that doesn't leave one of you 'wrong' , then there's too much of a mismatch to continue.
__________________
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Originally posted by westernxer
I think she expects sex to draw the two of you closer. You want to draw closer to her before you have sex.
Opposites is right.
Yup. For the most part the other things that we are opposites on enver conflicted until now.
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You'll just have to work through this... let her know you don't think she's a slut; it's just that you think differently. If she's down, she'll stick around for awhile (unless she has to wait too long).
She's a creature of habit in this regard, but aren't we all?
Very true. The question will be if we can find that common ground and break out of the habit.
Originally posted by laRubiaBonita
she, even though you are opposites, needs to respect your beliefs and decisions. She is as equally a part of the relationship as you and should give you the same respect and consideration that i would hope you give her.
And for the most part she does, it just seems this one subject she's not so accepting. Funny, in another scenario I might feel like she feels like she's put in her time, sleeps with me and wants to move.
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let's put you in her place, and she in yours. So YOU are now the one pressuring her to have sex....well that just does not fly in society, that can be considered Sexual Harrassment.
would you do that to her? why should she be able to treat you that way?
Thanks LRB, that's an excellent way to get the message across.
Originally posted by crazy_grl
You two really should have had this discussion before you got emotionally invested and began considering yourselves a relationship. This is a major issue, and if you'd talked about it to start out with, you'd see that the differences in values between you two are going to get in the way.
Yeah. You're absolutely right. I chalk this up to lack of experience. She assume one thing and I assumed another and we never discussed this and now we have to work out how to get out of this hole.
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No. You may now be rare in having this belief and sticking to it, but you're not wrong. If she doesn't share your belief, then the two of you are probably not right for each other after all, even if you make each other feel happy. Both of you need someone who shares your values, and this is a pretty big one.
If she's pushing for sex, and you're pushing her not to have it, and both of you decide to stay in the relationship, then one of you will have to give in to the other. And that will probably leave the one who does feeling a bit resentful.
This is what I was afraid of when I posted my orginal thread of how can two people so opposite be together. Well keeping my fingers crossed that we can work this out, because again we really do have alot of fun together.
Originally posted by moimeme
This is funny because that dichotomy is usually reversed; the male wanting sex to become closer and the female wanting closeness first!
Now she thinks I think she's a whore cause she generally slept with any guy she's been with for more that three weeks. Even though I never called her a whore.
You could tell her, gently, that this concern of hers makes no sense. If you DID think she's a whore, why would you want to continue to see her, and yet NOT have sex with her? What would you be getting out of it? Moral satisfaction? Not sure that would be enough to keep you with her for very long.
Of course, this may be a fundamental difference that you two can't get around. I don't share your view on sex but it is your view and you're entitled to have it respected. If it's incompatible with what she needs from an SO, then maybe you two are wrong for each other.
__________________
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-- Chuck Colson
Originally posted by ImaManDammit
Yeah. You're absolutely right. I chalk this up to lack of experience. She assume one thing and I assumed another and we never discussed this and now we have to work out how to get out of this hole.
It's all right. We all make mistakes and don't always think things through, especially in matters of love. If it doesn't work out, just use this as a lesson on finding out more of these types of things earlier. And on asking your partner questions instead of just assuming.
First the conversation started civil enough. I told her that if the roles were reversed how would she feel if her partner pressured her to have sex when she wasn't ready.
So then she says to me that we are so different, and that's one of the things she loved about us. She experienced new things with me (opera, picnics, trips to the country) and that I experienced new things with her like (concerts, going to pubs and learning to play darts, going to book readings). So why can't we make this an experience too.
I tried to explain that this isn't the same. After all that stuff I could still respect myself because it didn't go against a fundamental belief. Its the same if she wanted me to smoke up with her. I wouldn't and she knows that but I also don't hold her in a lesser light because she does, because I judge her by other actions.
She says she wants for me to make her feel good, and loved. She wants to do the same for me. So I told her that if she isn't feeling love without having sex then really shouldn't we be looking at that first?
So she basically said that she didn't believe that I wanted to wait, and that if I were really attracted to her that I would want to sleep with her. It's that I think she's a slut and I'm waiting to see if I can deal with the fact she's a slut and be able to stay in the relationship, or leave because I can't handle it. So by not sleeping with her, I leave I can leave guilt free.
WTF?
Anyway, I told her I'm sorry she feels that way. Its not that way at all, and I'm have completely shared my feelings without holding back. If youtake them differently that I intended them to, then I can't help that.
So then she says she thinks its a good idea if we saw other people.
I said fine, but I did say that I won't accept sleeping with people as part of that. Meaning while dating me and along with other people,when hitting her three week mark with them and potentiall having sex with them, and then expecting me to continue to date her would be unacceptable.
I asked that if any dating that she did while we were seeing other people got to that point, that she please let me know before it happens so at the very minimum giving me the option decide if I want to stay in the relationship (assumign she even wanted to still see me), or to just let me go.
She said forget it, its over. She doesn't "get me". So its over.
The funny thing is, she genuinely walked away not being able to understand how a guy could turn down sex.
Oh well, cest la vie.
Sure it hurts, but atleast I have my self respect, and that's what I think will count the most. I will survive.
Thanks for your assistance everyone. It was greatly appreciated.
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