[Jones19]

Firstly hi im new to the forum

I really don't know what to do anymore.

I'm 19 and my ex-girlfriend until yesterday is 20. We have known each other since we can remember and we have loved each other for years but things have got in the way and thats why we only got together about 4 months back. She is very depressed at the moment after her ex boy-Friend god bless him died of cancer just over 2 months ago. Since he died she gets upset regularly and is very depressed at the moment other stuff aswell what have happened keeps getting her down aswell. Has for our relationship things started to go down hill last weekend she was very quiet around me and was rather upset. On Thursday she phoned me up crying saying she wanted a break she said she loves me and will miss me but feels like its for the best. I understood but the next day we met up and talked and by the end of the night we was both in again and we made love and all that and she seemed herself again. But then the next day she was really quiet again and then yesterday she broke my heart again by saying can we just be Friends i need a break. But i understand her situation but i just want to support her as a boyfriend she said she feels i can't give you what you need. I'm totally gutted so i was wondering if anyone as got any advice on how to help her and do you think i have hope in getting back together with her its really getting me down and i feel lost in it all.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I have to say that it's 50/50.

Your best chance, in my opinion, is to pull back and let her come to you. Be available for her grief, but do not pursue her. And do not always be available when she calls. Your instinct will tell you to chase, but doing this will drive her away.

Do NOT make love to her until or unless she is willing to get back with you. Cut her off. She can't have the milk if she doesn't want the cow.

Go out, find other things to do, distract yourself.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
I have to say that it's 50/50.

Your best chance, in my opinion, is to pull back and let her come to you. Be available for her grief, but do not pursue her. And do not always be available when she calls. Your instinct will tell you to chase, but doing this will drive her away.

Do NOT make love to her until or unless she is willing to get back with you. Cut her off. She can't have the milk if she doesn't want the cow.

Go out, find other things to do, distract yourself.

Thanks for your reply...

We are always txting each other and she phoned me this morning.....

Should i hang around with her and stuff because she wants to meet on Wednesday and go see her sister (i know her family quite well)

I know she likes me and loves me but im worried she might find someone else.

Have you got any idea in ways to cheer her up?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19
Thanks for your reply...

My pleasure

We are always txting each other and she phoned me this morning.....

Stop texting, unless it's an emergency.

Should i hang around with her and stuff because she wants to meet on Wednesday and go see her sister (i know her family quite well)

Don't be available to hang around with her. Say no, say you are respecting her need for a break and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you to be with her family when you're not sure where you stand.

I know she likes me and loves me but im worried she might find someone else.

Unlikely right now. You're worrying about the wrong thing. The real danger and what you should be worried about is that she will overdose on you. Make yourself scarce.

Have you got any idea in ways to cheer her up?

You're still thinking the wrong way - do this if you want to be her friend and want to help her move on from you.

Otherwise, make yourself scarce. Let family and friends cheer her up. Let her miss you a little.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
My pleasure




Stop texting, unless it's an emergency.




Don't be available to hang around with her. Say no, say you are respecting her need for a break and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you to be with her family when you're not sure where you stand.




Unlikely right now. You're worrying about the wrong thing. The real danger and what you should be worried about is that she will overdose on you. Make yourself scarce.




You're still thinking the wrong way - do this if you want to be her friend and want to help her move on from you.

Otherwise, make yourself scarce. Let family and friends cheer her up. Let her miss you a little.

Stop texting, unless it's an emergency.

If i stop txting her won't she wounder why i don't want to make her more unhappy?

Don't be available to hang around with her. Say no, say you are respecting her need for a break and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you to be with her family when you're not sure where you stand.

Your right about this i just feel like we was made for each other and don't want her to fall out of love with me.


Shall i talk to her on the net or avoid that aswell? plus i was going to send her some roses on friday saying i understand is this a good idea?

thanks for your help again im lost at the moment but you are helping.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19
thanks for your help again im lost at the moment but you are helping.

No problem. These situations can be very confusing

Here's the story. She is at a crucial point in her thinking about the relationship. What you say and do right now will have repercussions for the future. But the effects of your actions will not necessarily be what you think.

For example, if you are always available, she will feel better about this break. Girls listen to their feelings way more than guys, so if the break feels good, she may well start to think it's a good thing. You don't want this. Now, I'm not saying go out of your way to make her feel bad, but right now you're making the huge mistake of going out of your way to make her feel good. This will confirm in her feelings that the break is a good decision.

In addition, girls love guys who are confident. By running after her and pandering to her agenda, you will lower yourself in her eyes. By pulling back, being independent and going off and doing your own thing, you will gain respect.

If i stop txting her won't she wounder why i don't want to make her more unhappy?

Yes. When she asks, say that you need time to think too. And "but I thought we were on a break" if you feel it's appropriate. Be a little tough with her. Just a little. Kind but firm. Don't necessarily say "Honey, make your mind up", but this should be your tone.

Your right about this i just feel like we was made for each other and don't want her to fall out of love with me.

Yeah, this sucks.

Shall i talk to her on the net or avoid that aswell? plus i was going to send her some roses on friday saying i understand is this a good idea?

No, no and no again. The roses are a particularly bad idea. Sends several bad messages at once: you're a wuss, you'll accept being her puppy dog and that the break is not so bad after all.

Get out. Do other stuff. Pull back.

[Sal Paradise]

I say abosulutely NC (nc = no contact) unless its a legit emergency (car accident or something) and not just her being depressed. Don't be mean about it. Just explain to her that you want more than she can give and you both need time a part. Also tell her you want to be there for her but its unfair to you to keep getting emotionally closer to someone who doesn't want you when you want them.

She is depressed and its understandable that she wants a friend and to reevaluate her life (people often do that when someone they know dies) but she is in many ways unintentionally using you for emotional support. She can't help the circumstances of what happened to her ex but she has to understand that asking you to be her emotional crutch for the death of a guy she used to date is unfair. It must kill you to see her upset like this but its even worse for it to be over another man. And on top of that she breaks up with you because of it. Yet she wants you to be her crutch while she gets over it. Thats completely unfair. She knows how you feel. So I guess she thinks you should be a friend for her now and help her get back on her feet, then once she is she'll find someone else while you've given her all of yourself while some other guy reaps the rewards. Screw that.

I don't believe she is in any state to see how unfair this is without it being explained to her. Nor do I think she wants to intentionally hurt you in any way. That however does not make it ok for her to do so. You're not being selfish by backing off from her and going with NC. In fact the best way to wake her up to what she is losing is to do just that, cut her off completely (no text messages, emails, phone calls, nothing). She told you that she can't give you what you need. You should tell her you can't give her what she needs because what she needs makes you ache for what you need. You can't give her what she needs unless she is willing and wants to give you what you need. They're both intertwined, one cannot exist without the other.

Let her know she needs to make a choice, either you as her boyfriend or nothing at all.

It will be hard for you and her but its really the only way.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
No problem. These situations can be very confusing

Here's the story. She is at a crucial point in her thinking about the relationship. What you say and do right now will have repercussions for the future. But the effects of your actions will not necessarily be what you think.

For example, if you are always available, she will feel better about this break. Girls listen to their feelings way more than guys, so if the break feels good, she may well start to think it's a good thing. You don't want this. Now, I'm not saying go out of your way to make her feel bad, but right now you're making the huge mistake of going out of your way to make her feel good. This will confirm in her feelings that the break is a good decision.

In addition, girls love guys who are confident. By running after her and pandering to her agenda, you will lower yourself in her eyes. By pulling back, being independent and going off and doing your own thing, you will gain respect.




Yes. When she asks, say that you need time to think too. And "but I thought we were on a break" if you feel it's appropriate. Be a little tough with her. Just a little. Kind but firm. Don't necessarily say "Honey, make your mind up", but this should be your tone.



Yeah, this sucks.



No, no and no again. The roses are a particularly bad idea. Sends several bad messages at once: you're a wuss, you'll accept being her puppy dog and that the break is not so bad after all.

Get out. Do other stuff. Pull back.

Here's the story. She is at a crucial point in her thinking about the relationship. What you say and do right now will have repercussions for the future. But the effects of your actions will not necessarily be what you think.

For example, if you are always available, she will feel better about this break. Girls listen to their feelings way more than guys, so if the break feels good, she may well start to think it's a good thing. You don't want this. Now, I'm not saying go out of your way to make her feel bad, but right now you're making the huge mistake of going out of your way to make her feel good. This will confirm in her feelings that the break is a good decision.

In addition, girls love guys who are confident. By running after her and pandering to her agenda, you will lower yourself in her eyes. By pulling back, being independent and going off and doing your own thing, you will gain respect.

Well i did try today she txt me this morning and i didn't reply then all morning i got txts saying whats wrong i don't understand then at about dinner time i had about 15 missed calls so i sent a txt saying look i don't know what to say or do anymore around you maybe we should stop txting and stuff for a while...

Then she sent a message back saying i thought you was going to help me as a freind please don't ignore my txts it hurts my feelings please still be there as a freind i do love you then it said don't make me more upset...

So i felt guilty and txt back saying i want to support her and all that.

But after reading this post now and the post below i feel ive messed up again.

What should i do now? Should i just ignore her from now on and tell her i can't carry on like this boyfreind or nothing? i dunno anymore today as been worse

[Jones19]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise
I say abosulutely NC (nc = no contact) unless its a legit emergency (car accident or something) and not just her being depressed. Don't be mean about it. Just explain to her that you want more than she can give and you both need time a part. Also tell her you want to be there for her but its unfair to you to keep getting emotionally closer to someone who doesn't want you when you want them.

She is depressed and its understandable that she wants a friend and to reevaluate her life (people often do that when someone they know dies) but she is in many ways unintentionally using you for emotional support. She can't help the circumstances of what happened to her ex but she has to understand that asking you to be her emotional crutch for the death of a guy she used to date is unfair. It must kill you to see her upset like this but its even worse for it to be over another man. And on top of that she breaks up with you because of it. Yet she wants you to be her crutch while she gets over it. Thats completely unfair. She knows how you feel. So I guess she thinks you should be a friend for her now and help her get back on her feet, then once she is she'll find someone else while you've given her all of yourself while some other guy reaps the rewards. Screw that.

I don't believe she is in any state to see how unfair this is without it being explained to her. Nor do I think she wants to intentionally hurt you in any way. That however does not make it ok for her to do so. You're not being selfish by backing off from her and going with NC. In fact the best way to wake her up to what she is losing is to do just that, cut her off completely (no text messages, emails, phone calls, nothing). She told you that she can't give you what you need. You should tell her you can't give her what she needs because what she needs makes you ache for what you need. You can't give her what she needs unless she is willing and wants to give you what you need. They're both intertwined, one cannot exist without the other.

Let her know she needs to make a choice, either you as her boyfriend or nothing at all.

It will be hard for you and her but its really the only way.

Your right and i was kinda thinking the same im just going to tell her its rather me as a boy freind or i just can't see you anymore... I don't want to hurt her anymore (then she is)) but like you say its the only way to make her think

[ReluctantRomeo]

Yeah, Sal's right. I think you need to back off for a bit.

You can tell her it won't be ever, but you need time and space for a bit now you're broken up. Remind her that this is not easy for you, either.

Don't tell her this, but I would schedule a calendar month, with the intention of renewing this at least once. And I wouldn't tell her how absolute you plan to make it - I wouldn't try to contact her at all in this month, but be vaguer to her, just saying space.

Personally, I would also tell her that you're still willing to respond in a genuine emergency. But this is optional. And may not even be a good idea.

Keep us updated on your progress - I'm curious to see how this works out for you!

[Sal Paradise]

I wouldn't tell her you'll respond to an emergency because she is really depressed and may fake a crisis to get your attention.

Stick to what I suggested. Its the best thing for you and actually for her as well, she is just too depressed to see it. Doing this is the right thing, it doesn't make you selfish.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise
I wouldn't tell her you'll respond to an emergency because she is really depressed and may fake a crisis to get your attention.

Here's the other point of view, and it does have its merits.

Doing this is the right thing, it doesn't make you selfish.

Agreed. 100%. It just makes you sensible.

[Jones19]

Well here is my plan I'm going to meet her tonight just like i planned (i knopw i shouldn't be i have 2) come the end of the night I'm just going to tell her i can't carry on like this and that if you don't want me as a boy-Friend i cant offer you anymore I'm sorry but this is hard for me aswell you know how i feel but otherwise i need a break from ou...

I know i shouldn't be seeing her because you two said but i need to tell her face to face...

Its my plan so wish me luck...

Thanks for the help you two i appreciate it alot

will keep you updated

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Jones19
Well here is my plan I'm going to meet her tonight just like i planned (i knopw i shouldn't be i have 2) come the end of the night I'm just going to tell her i can't carry on like this and that if you don't want me as a boy-Friend i cant offer you anymore I'm sorry but this is hard for me aswell you know how i feel but otherwise i need a break from ou...

I know i shouldn't be seeing her because you two said but i need to tell her face to face...

Its my plan so wish me luck...

Thanks for the help you two i appreciate it alot

will keep you updated

I wish you good luck with it.

Don't let her distract you with the the tears. Stay strong. She will cry and get upset you can't let that influence your decision. She may even try to reason with you by saying something like "just give me time and maybe we can be together." Don't accept that its just a ploy to keep you around during this. Accept nothing less than what you want.

[ReluctantRomeo]

So how did it go?