In Search Of...Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing something I'm not aware of that's keeping me from meeting girls.
I've been single for 6 years(as most here know )
Is it possible that I'm giving off some sort of un-available un-approachable vibe? and I don't know it?
Am I giving off some vibe that I'm not over my last relationship? I think I am. I sort of had this "I don't want to date right now" attitude for a few years, but now I feel like I'm ready..
I know I'm not a looker, but I'm funny, I dress nice, I'm clean, I'm polite, I'm smart, I'm pretty sure I don't smell, etc.
I know I'm a little shy and a little introverted(read: quiet. strong silent type I hope..) but when I'm around friends I talk a lot, I've worked several jobs where I have to be social and that's helped me get over most of my shyness. I can talk with strangers now without a problem.
People tell me I'm a lot less shy now than I give myself credit for.
My current job doesn't allow for much of a social life, but I've only been at this job for a few months so that can't be the only problem..
I've always taken the attitude that if I just keep doing my thing, being myself, etc. that the right girl will come along when I least expect it, but I'm starting to wonder why it's taking so damn long.
I frequently get asked "why don't you have a girlfriend?" and I can't seem to answer.. I always just say I haven't met anyone yet.
The only time I ever had any luck meeting girls was when I was in high school. My last relationship started right around the end of high school, so I've never had to do this dating thing as an adult I guess. In school I always had a few girls that were interested in me, now nothing.
Anyone else here been through a long dry spell? What broke it? what changed? Did you do something different? or did you just meet someone out of the blue?
thanks,
B
__________________
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega." -Brodie, Mall Rats.
Originally posted by BigB
Also, did I screw up someone by not running out and dating right away after my last relationship?
No.
Quote:
I always hear about rebound relationships, and people who have a date 2 weeks after there last relationship ended, I've never done anything like that.
Me neither. I always felt it was better to take some time off to recuperate, to get reacquainted with myself. I've dated girls on the rebound, and it's never a good thing. If they're not talking about their ex, they're dying to. I try to weed this out as early as possible, but it's not easy. One girl, in particular, kept talking about her ex-fiancé and how he cheated on her, and she even spoke to his mom on occasion... I could tell she wasn't over him. Eventually, I took her to task and dumped her ass.
A year later, I heard through the grapevine that she got engaged to a guy via long distance. Even bought her own engagement ring to celebrate the occasion. How's that for a rebound?
If you're still recovering, I'd say don't go for anyone else. But if she manages to soothe your pain in such a way that you don't care about the ex anymore, then go for it. It's still a crap shoot, no matter what.
Last edited by westernxer; 4th June 2005 at 10:32 AM.
I think you come across very well in your posts There's a real genuine sense there, of someone who's okay with himself and okay with the way other people are. That's actually quite a rare thing to be, and the older you get the more you're going to draw people in with that quality.
I would imagine that you've not been dating purely because of situational reasons - ie not going to the sort of places, or participating in the kinds of activities, where you would meet they type of woman you'd get on with.
I met my last boyfriend - following, as you say, a dry spell - at a party when he was playing the piano. Now I love playing the piano, so seeing someone else playing it really well is going to drag me over like a moth to a flame. One minute I was leaning over the piano watching which chords he used to play different tunes, the next we were sitting down and playing a duet together. The relationship may not have lasted the course, but it got off to one hell of a good start
Learning something new can really give you a buzz and push you into that position of being more open to new experiences (and, by definition, relationships). Think back to when you were a kid. What sort of things did you really like doing - or promise yourself you'd learn to do once you were an adult? That might be the first step towards meeting someone you can really connect with. Good luck, and may you find lots of
Originally posted by BigB
Anyone else here been through a long dry spell? What broke it? what changed? Did you do something different? or did you just meet someone out of the blue?
I've gone through long dry spells, too. I'm guess I'm just laid back in my approach to dating. It's never been a priority in my life. Sometimes I'll come across someone who really strikes my fancy for whatever reason, but then the interest fades... either they're playing games or I'm just tired of all the formalities that come with having a relationship. I do come across a lot of women who like me, but... I don't know. Guess I'm just too much of an individualist. Maybe that's why they like me.
I think you just have to live your life for you, and not for anyone else. It's normal to ask these questions of yourself every so often, but no need to change if you're happy being who you are.
I had been single for 5 years. I could not meeet anyone that I was interested in in the town that I live in. As kind of an experiment I thought I would try online dating. Well I never expected to meet anyone, but I did. I met someone that I am really happy with. Have you thought of doing this? You never know until you try.
You are not the only one out there having trouble finding a gf/bf. It's a common situation. You obviously have a lot going for you, and from other threads I know you are thinking hard about this problem and what steps you can take. I'm very glad that you remain cheerful, positive and constructive (some men turn into bitter womenhaters, which doesn't seem to help them find a gf).
My best advice is:
* Join some social/activity clubs - it is an easy way to meet like-minded people
* Work on improving your fitness and approaching your appropriate, healthy weight
In fairness to you, I must tell you that IMO, obesity is a barrier to forming a r/s, especially one with a young woman whom you consider to be good enough for you. Being quite heavy cuts down your available pool of women drastically.
Being yourself is great - I would never advise being phony - AND it is important to make sure you are striving to be the best YOU possible. Being yourself should not mean "Letting myself go" and looing for someone who will "love me as I am and not be shallow". Appearance is the bait that draws opposite sex members in. Then you keep them there with personality, charm, your beautiful soul.
Hope this helps, good luck!
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
From what I've seen (esp. from the great advice you gave me about the porn stuff) you have great insight and sensitivity - characteristics most girls would go crazy over. However, usually those traits don't become apparent to someone until you've known them for awhile. therefore, if you're not an extremely extroverted man who likes to flirt, naturally you won't meet as many women - but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
It's difficult to say if you're doing something wrong per se, because I think the situation varies from person to person. Access is definitely a big one in terms of how often you're coming into contact with single, available women in the right context. Obviously you don't want to force situations by going to bars all the time or trying to pick up women in a supermarket! I met my current boyfriend here at uni (we're overseas at the moment) but discovered that we're from the same place and had a million different interests. completely caught me off guard.
My personal experience has always been that people find you when you least expect it. I know this advice may be different because I'm a woman, but I know that when I was younger and really wanting a boyfriend, my chances seemed to lessen because i was looking so hard for it. The minute i let go a little, the doors started to open and i was meeting more people. People with healthy self-esteem will also tend to be more picky because they won't just settle. can't tell you how often i met boyfriends in the bar when i was nineteen and twenty, and even though i knew they might not be that decent, i'd go for them anyway.
not sure if this helps or not, but i'm a strong believer that the right people come to you at the right time. just keep being yourself and someone is bound to see all of your wonderful traits and want to get to know you. i think the best way to meet someone special is to let the situation happen naturally (ie through friends, or by accident), rather than pick up women in a bar or something like that. (not that people don't meet their lifetime partner that way though!!)
that being said though, you do have to be active in some way, as meeting people requires effort. i just think that the way you pursue it can make a big difference.
B.
I think the advice given will help you to get friends but not a g/f ( which is what you want ). If you have been single for 6 years then I don't think you can say you rebounded to quickly from your last relationship.
I am going to say you need to ask the men of this forum on dating advice about women ( no offense ladies ). I would suggest that your approach is probably good for making friends but not g/f's. I think I told you one time before that you need to be you but kicked up a notch. If you want a g/f you have to act like a b/f. Think about what you want in a g/f. The qualities that you find in women that makes you want to go to the next level. Personality, looks, career, interests, etc. are all things that we look for when looking for a g/f. Think about what you want and then apply that to finding your gal. If you like sports then you need to hang out where people play them. Just maximize your chances by hanging out with women that you would be interested in.
After you spot a gal you need to be friendly but not overly so she gets the idea that you want to be her friend. Never get yourself in the friends category unless you want to because it is hell getting out of it. Just talk to her and let her know up front that you like her and would like to find out more. Do not think that by being friends first you will improve your chances ( you won't ). Be funny, a good dresser, confident and act like you know what you want and where you are going. So many guys think that they will put a girl off if they get to flirt and so they sit back and lose her because she lacks interest. Flirt a lot. The more you flirt the better you will get at it. She may not respond to it but she will know what you want and respect you for it. If she isn't interested it's not the end of the world. God made plenty more of them. Do not just concentrate on looks but remember the things you like in a women and guide your efforts in finding the gal for you.
So many men get caught up in a pretty women and forget the things that they really want in a girl. Keep the list in your head and don't get sidetracked. Keep talking and dating girls until you find the one who meets your requirements.
wow, thanks for the all the responses everyone. Gives me a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time to write long replies, always makes me feel better.
I was worried this would come off as version 2 of my "why and I perpetually single?" topic. Which it kinda is, but that one, while helpful, turned into more of a "nice guy" vs. "bad boy" debate.
There is probably to much written to quote, so I'll just hit a few points that were mentioned.
I don't feel like I'm still recovering from my last relationship at all, but I sometimes wonder because I assume that most people in my life think it's the reason I'm not dating, so I always second guess myself... I guess I always bring it up in these types of topics because it's the only relationship I have to compare anything to.
I definitely think I've got a bit of a "situational problem" as Lindya put it. I'm not "out there" meeting people. It's just not my nature I guess. I'm to comfortable sitting at home by myself, going to movies by myself, playing video games by myself, etc. I'm just a bit of a loner I guess.
Most of my hobbies are solo activities, and I have a close circle of friends, so I don't meet new people very often...
Combine that with my working nights and weekends, and I'm screwed.
I have played with some online dating, well I put up some profiles, and some pictures, so far no-one has shown any interest. Maybe I need to start trying to contact some people? I've not yet had the guts to do it, and I haven't found anyone online that I was really interested in yet..
I guess I've always been like Westernxer, I've always taken the laid back approach to dating, It's never been a priority. I'm comfortable being alone.. I've never hit on girls, never asked for a phone number, never flirted with a stranger.. I always met girls in school or through friends, and if I liked them I'd try to spend time with them, and if they liked me it progressed from there. I never had to work at it. I don't have any "game" as they say.
and I've always refused to be fake, or change myself into something I'm not just to meet someone, I know it won't last if I do. but that doesn't mean there isn't some room for improvement. I think sometimes that I need to strive to be more like this version of me, the online version of me. Online I'm more open, I'm not shy, I don't worry what other people think, In real life I'm more reserved, and shy. I guess I need to work on my self confidence.. I had a bit of that bad boy cocky swagger when I was younger, I seem to have lost that somewhere.. I think my ex stole it when she left..
Solemate suggested more social activities, but I'm drawing a blank on that one.. Guess I need to think more about what I like to do.. I have been thinking about enrolling in the local Junior College, not sure yet what I'll take.. My Mom's been pushing this a lot recently, but it was something I was already thinking about.
I know I need to loose some more weight, I've been procrastinating on that one since my last foot surgery.. I've been keeping my weight stable, and haven't gained any back of the 60 I lost, but I still need to loose another 40 or so. I'll make a point to get back in the gym soon.
I'm also growing my hair back again, I've been sporting this lazy ass buzz cut for too long.. Right now I've got the 2 month shaggy old buzz look, but once I get some length back I'll be able to style it a little more... might help.
I probably need to quit smoking as well.. I can't say I know many girls who like it.
I guess what I need to do is keep being me, doing my thing, but advertise more I've got to put the products in front of their eyes before they'll buy them.
feel free to add more comments, I'll probable post some more after I get some work done.
I am going to say you need to ask the men of this forum on dating advice about women ( no offense ladies ).
Hope this helps.
Peace...
Yes. Word it along the lines of "guys - what's the best way to get and keep a girlfriend." I can predict exactly which men on this board will rush in to deliver their expert opinion on what women really want (because obviously we're too stupid/blinded by denial etc to know that ourselves ).
The games-playing, treat-em-mean-keep-'em-keen approach undoubtedly does work with some women, but it creates a bit of a vicious circle. Tell yourself that women are stupid enough to fall for "techniques", apply those techniques, date the women who get taken in by them, get bored and move on with re-inforced prejudices about the female of the species. Not that I'm suggesting you do that Marshbear, it's just that your comment reminded me of some of the other comments that get posted on this board
I can predict exactly which men on this board will rush in to deliver their expert opinion on what women really want (because obviously we're too stupid/blinded by denial etc to know that ourselves
I just want you to know I think its great that you are putting your real pic out there on the sites and not of someone else.
Is it okay to ask your height and weight ?
I want you to know I prefer teddy bear types but I am here to tell you that not alot of women like that. I can be pointing at someone I think looks great ie : big , beefy , stocky , husky or whatever word you want to use and they will say " Oh he looks kind of fat. " I finally started saying " Then okay you call him fat , I call him BIG , so if thats the case I like big guys @!
But my point is : In your pic you do look big and thats meant in a GOOD way ! BUt I have to tell you that alot of women ( not all thankfully ) prefer someone who is average . I guess by that they mean height and weight proportionate : ie 6 foot tall 175 lbs. To me thats kinda boring. He needs to be at least 195 lbs or higher , looking like he could protect me....and yes he can have extra meat on his bones with the thick neck. hehe
But alot of girls I talk to want a trim athetic guy...Okay fine. But I like them to be naturally husky or thick. Not a 6 pack ab....apparently not that important to me..
I just want you to know I think its great that you are putting your real pic out there on the sites and not of someone else.
Thanks, I couldn't do anything else, I'm just to honest to try and deceive someone. I can't believe that people can actually put up fake pics and still feel like they're going to meet someone, sure someone might contact you based on a fake pic, it's not going to last.
Quote:
Originally posted by Mary3
Is it okay to ask your height and weight ?
Sure, 6' 290lbs. I know that sounds like a lot, so I always feel like I have to explain that I'm big boned. Based on talking with my doctor I think my ideal weight it around 250lbs.
Quote:
Originally posted by Mary3
I want you to know I prefer teddy bear types but I am here to tell you that not alot of women like that. I can be pointing at someone I think looks great ie : big , beefy , stocky , husky or whatever word you want to use and they will say " Oh he looks kind of fat. " I finally started saying " Then okay you call him fat , I call him BIG , so if thats the case I like big guys @!
But my point is : In your pic you do look big and thats meant in a GOOD way ! BUt I have to tell you that alot of women ( not all thankfully ) prefer someone who is average . I guess by that they mean height and weight proportionate : ie 6 foot tall 175 lbs. To me thats kinda boring. He needs to be at least 195 lbs or higher , looking like he could protect me....and yes he can have extra meat on his bones with the thick neck. hehe
But alot of girls I talk to want a trim athetic guy...Okay fine. But I like them to be naturally husky or thick. Not a 6 pack ab....apparently not that important to me..
I'm somebody's type? WOAH! thanks. You could almost be describing me there. I definitely fall into the "teddy bear"/"protector type" category. My mom measured me once (she's used to be a seamstress) and my shoulders are 2 feet wide and yeah, I pretty much don't have neck . They do call me BigB for a reason.
It's good to know that at least some girls like that. Now I just need to track some of them down...
Originally posted by lindya
Yes. Word it along the lines of "guys - what's the best way to get and keep a girlfriend." I can predict exactly which men on this board will rush in to deliver their expert opinion on what women really want (because obviously we're too stupid/blinded by denial etc to know that ourselves ).
The games-playing, treat-em-mean-keep-'em-keen approach undoubtedly does work with some women, but it creates a bit of a vicious circle. Tell yourself that women are stupid enough to fall for "techniques", apply those techniques, date the women who get taken in by them, get bored and move on with re-inforced prejudices about the female of the species. Not that I'm suggesting you do that Marshbear, it's just that your comment reminded me of some of the other comments that get posted on this board
Hey Lindya,
I appreciate your comments. If you think my advice is not sound to B. then by all means tell him the correct way to approach and date a women. We are all here to help.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
)
I've got to put the products in front of their eyes before they'll buy them. 
). 
thanks. 
and yeah, I pretty much don't have neck 
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