OK Ive been dating my girl for a year. I have realized I have nice guy syndrome
and its starting to aggrevate her. I take offense to things she does too easily
think she doesnt love me ( but she does ) I feel we have an unbalanced relationship
when really its just we show it diffrently.
She feels like shes dating a girl sometimes she says etc etc.. Now can I over come this? We are together and it hasnt gotten to the point where shes going to dump me. We live together and plan to get married.
She doesnt like it also that if she wants to go out she makes plans and does it
and feels that I only go out if shes going out if not i just hang with her, that
tends to bother her, thinking i depend on her.
Now is half the prob realizing this? and if so can you change yourself? I am going to
buy this book today and read it I hear it helps big time!
No More Mr. Nice Guy - Dr. Robert A. Glover
All this time I would think i do everything for her yada yada yada but
ive come to realize that she wants a man not a woman.
My questions really are can I change? is it possable I do realize its me
not her, and I dont want to loose her. I feel If I fix this it will help
big time.
Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late?
Thanks so much.
Last edited by confused05; 3rd June 2005 at 3:41 PM..
Are you scared of disagreeing with her or getting angry, showing the REAL you to her? Meaning maybe grumpy in the morning...Not so nice when you've had a long day at work...Stuff like that.
Also, you are a nice guy, you probably put her first alot of the time, very giving and unselfish.
The key is balance. It's okay to take once in a while. Ask her to do things for you as well - Not always intiate first. (I'm not sure if this kinda stuff is what else you're referring to)
Be your own person, be confident and KNOW that she loves you - Even if she's ticked off at you - That is OK, she still loves ya, she may just not like you much at that particular moment. All of that is completely normal. There are times I can't stand my husband and he's so annoying - It passes and it's not a big deal.
Be honest with her but don't always give in. You have alot of say on how things go - Don't let another person, let alone her, push you into anything you don't believe in or want to do. It's okay to say NO once in a while.
Each of you still have to have life without eachother. It's okay for a boys night or girls night out - Going out without eachother is healthy...A balanced relationship is the best. Shouldnt' have to always depend on the other person to entertain you or make you feel good.
There are nights when I crash out, watch TV at night and my hubby disappears all night into the basement...Does he puttering, playing on the computer...To live together yet still be on your own...That is what living together is all about too.
If she wants to go out and you don't, let her go! Say have a good time, be happy for her. Shouldn't be a problem and she shouldn't have to feel guilty or bad by wanting to do this on occasion.
Hope this helps, if you want more input, I'll put more down!
This is exaclty what im looking for. When she wants to go out with her girls
i give her a guilt trip or feel I am. And Im sure she sees that. That I know I
have to change and will. Also I usually deny going out with the boys to stay
with her and she wants me to go out with them from time to time and make
my own decisons. I know only I can change this and its me not her. Im going
to try my hardest i know she loves me. Im going to grab that book today and
see what happens anything else or any other info you have id be glad to hear.
This helps alot!!!!!!!!!!!
I know she sees me upset for no reason or for her wanting to go out and that has to stop
Originally posted by confused05
This is exaclty what im looking for. When she wants to go out with her girls
i give her a guilt trip or feel I am. And Im sure she sees that. That I know I
have to change and will. Also I usually deny going out with the boys to stay
with her and she wants me to go out with them from time to time and make
my own decisons. I know only I can change this and its me not her. Im going
to try my hardest i know she loves me. Im going to grab that book today and
see what happens anything else or any other info you have id be glad to hear.
This helps alot!!!!!!!!!!!
I know she sees me upset for no reason or for her wanting to go out and that has to stop
Read the book! Just "acting" this way isn't enough. You need to identify the root cause of the problem and make adjustments accordingly. Alpha's advice is good but it will never sink in or be useful if you do not know what is causing you to act this way and what adjustments to make in order to correct the behavior.
Most confident men KNOW why they are confident. You can not just "act" confident and truly BE confident. It comes from a deeply rooted feeling that will be easy to tell is faked if you're acting.
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" will help you identify why you are acting the way you do, give you exercises to address the problem and help you "cure" yourself from the inside in.
Alpha's pointers are what happens AFTER you fix the inside.....
Im pretty sure I know what causes it. Feeling insecure since Ive been burned in the past. Thats what i think it is. I need to know shes here for good and loves me. Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set.
Again,
Is half the prob realizing this?
Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late?
Usually hypothetically speaking is this behaviour changeable? I dont want to be a dick just want to be happy with us.
IM sure once im confident I wont have these issues.
Last edited by confused05; 3rd June 2005 at 4:56 PM..
Originally posted by confused05
I need to know shes here for good and loves me.
Actually, confused05, it's more important to realize that it doesn't matter if she's there for good or not because you know that, either way, you'll still have yourself.
Quote:
Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set.
Try, instead, to be confident in yourself. You've gotta be able to live without her in order to be happy with her.
Last edited by BrotherAaron; 3rd June 2005 at 5:23 PM..
Originally posted by confused05
Is half the prob realizing this?
That's 75% of the battle, yes.
Quote:
Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late?
Yes, very much so.
Quote:
Usually hypothetically speaking is this behaviour changeable? I dont want to be a dick just want to be happy with us.
Yes, and as I stated before, it must come from the inside. You don't have to be mean to be masculine or self-assured. You have to LIKE YOURSELF and know that it's ok to have needs and to not be perfect. Nobody is perfect. Your g/f will love you a lot more if you're just self confident, don't try and rescue her all the time (women just want to vent and have someone listen to them, when they want to be rescued, they will ASK for it). You need to not worry about pleasing her all the time and make sure YOUR needs are met. Once your needs are met, you're happy with who you are, you'll regain your self confidence and you won't be worried about pleasing her to make yourself happy. You'll realize she can be mad at you and still love you. She will be attracted to your self confidence.
You need to hang out with men more. Embrace your masculinity. If she says you act like a chick, that is a BIG warning sign. Start working out and build some muscles. That helps. But mostly you need to find a male role model. Someone that you think is a strong, confident male and start figuring out how he ticks. You need to emulate his behavior. As long as he's not a d*ck.
Quote:
IM sure once im confident I wont have these issues.
Once you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you will see how to correct your behavior and become more self-confident and masculine. Fix the root cause, don't try and just cover it up.
Well yeah i mean be confident in me that im good enough and shes not going to leave. More or less dont give in if you dont feel its right just to give in. Take a stand in what you believe ( be you ) And basically grow balls and be yourself. Thats what I have to accomplish. Not worry just know what you bring to the table and know that she sees that and stop trying to get reassured.
Im hoping this book will show me what my prob is ( even though i kinda know ) and
help me turn around. Once I make a change I know things will be alot better.
I just dont want her to see this change that im being an *******. Im not going to try to
be one in anyway. Im just not going to sell my self short as much.
Originally posted by confused05
Im pretty sure I know what causes it. Feeling insecure since Ive been burned in the past. Thats what i think it is. I need to know shes here for good and loves me. Once Im passed that and confident in her ( which i should be ) I think ill be set.
Again,
Is half the prob realizing this?
Is it a big plus that I realized this before its too late?
Usually hypothetically speaking is this behaviour changeable? I dont want to be a dick just want to be happy with us.
IM sure once im confident I wont have these issues.
yeah, half the problem is realizing it. but i wouldn't call you a woman. i don't even think it has to do with lack of confidence or insecurity. you probably just care too much for how you think she feels and not enough for yourself. i am talking about the self sacrificing to be with her and worrying that she will be upset. you want to be her everything and you overcompensate by doing everything to please her. i may be off the mark here but everyonce in a while i find myself doing this. i am confident, secure, and all that stuff but when you find a woman you really care about, the nurturing part of being a man comes out. sometimes i have to step back and say, damn i sure am doing a hell of a lot for this woman. and most of it when she doesn't ask. it gets easier to realize at times when she accidentally displays behavior that seems like she doesn't appreciate it.
start focusing on yourself a little, what makes you happy. make plans. when she asks you what you want to do for the night, have something planned already. take the drivers seat in the relationship for a while and see if her attitude changes towards you. just do you for a while and see if it helps. you have a lot more power than you may think. just start displaying it a little...
__________________
Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime. ~ Floyd 'Age 9'
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing
Originally posted by BrotherAaron
Actually, confused05, it's more important to realize that it doesn't matter if she's there for good or not because you know that, either way, you'll still have yourself.
Very true.
Quote:
Try, instead, to be confident in yourself. You've gotta be able to live without her in order to be happy with her.
Right. He has to be self-confident to know that he is comfortable with himself. That he doesn't need to seek her approval for anything. All that does it cause her to be turned OFF. Once he is comfortable in his own skin he will stop seeking her approval (by giving gifts, butt kissing, being a doormat) and therefore naturally attract her.
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