Why do I feel the need for other men beside my husband?

prissymissy · 25th May 2005, 8:58 PM

OK, so I have been married for 6 years, I met my husband when I was 17, we dated 5 years before we got married, we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. My husband is the defination of sexy. He is a good friend, an awesome father, hard worker, but there is something missing.

I have Cheated on him with 4 different guys over the past 5 years and have had feels for only one of the other guys. But he is a TOTAL jerk, not very attractive, REALLY NOT NICE, this guy is the deffination of a player. Well, I met a dude on the computer and we have hung out a few times, He is a really nice guy, he has told me that he has feelings for me, he is kinda cute but very nice. I am so confused because last time we hung out we ended up making out for 3 hours, I come home to my husband and just want to cry. I have never felt like this when I have done this in the past.

Wow, writing this I sound like a total slut. I really do not know what to do.

Why am I feeling like I need to find other men?

Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

What is my problem?

If you have any answers please let me know.

Thanks.

dietcoke · 25th May 2005, 9:31 PM

Have you discussed what you think you are missing with your husband? Don't beat yourself up over this. Dust yourself off, get to the root of the problem, stop cheating, and do the right thing - with your husband that is.

Why am I feeling like I need to find other men?

Maybe you guys need to spend more time together - maybe you feel like he just isn't "into" you now or maybe he is but he is not conveying it the right way. There could be a multitude of reasons, have a heart-to-heart with him.

Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

You know deep down this is wrong. You would not want this done to you, just imagine yourself in his shoes for a minute. He is totally innocent and from the way you describe him he sounds like a nice guy - nice can be boring sometimes - find a way to spice things up a bit.

What is my problem?

Low-self esteem or poor self image perhaps? Do you feel that men validate your beauty, sexiness, or self-worth. If you do - you probably wouldn't feel that way if you heard how they talk about women after they use them up for sex.

HTH

st8toftheheart · 25th May 2005, 9:36 PM

First of all I see a big issue that you feel remorse after only sleeping with this one perticular guys. So I assume that if you didn't have these feelings that everything would be just fine.

Don't mean to judge but unless your husband condones the fact you are sleeping with other men, I think its a much bigger problem that this one perticular guy.

You have litterally cheated on your husand 5 times. an affair for almost every year you have been married.

So I think its time that you sat down and thought what is actually wrong in your marriage, and then speak to your husband about it. Just because he hasn't caught you and you normally don't have feelings for these other men does not make this right.

then of course if you both condone this type of behaviour, then why do you care that you have these feelings for the other man?

prissymissy · 25th May 2005, 9:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by st8toftheheart
First of all I see a big issue that you feel remorse after only sleeping with this one perticular guys. So I assume that if you didn't have these feelings that everything would be just fine.

Don't mean to judge but unless your husband condones the fact you are sleeping with other men, I think its a much bigger problem that this one perticular guy.

You have litterally cheated on your husand 5 times. an affair for almost every year you have been married.

So I think its time that you sat down and thought what is actually wrong in your marriage, and then speak to your husband about it. Just because he hasn't caught you and you normally don't have feelings for these other men does not make this right.

then of course if you both condone this type of behaviour, then why do you care that you have these feelings for the other man?

THe new guy I have not slept with. I do not plan on it. I am trying to get things right with my husband. I dont know if it is a phase or if I am over my husband. If I was in his shes YES I would be devistated.

I know that I love my husband but I dont know if is curiosity, or lasck of experiences before I got married? I really do not know. I was just posting to get what others thought and if it has happened to anyone else.

Thanks for the replies.

Sal Paradise · 25th May 2005, 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by prissymissy
OK, so I have been married for 6 years, I met my husband when I was 17, we dated 5 years before we got married, we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. My husband is the defination of sexy. He is a good friend, an awesome father, hard worker, but there is something missing.

I have Cheated on him with 4 different guys over the past 5 years and have had feels for only one of the other guys. But he is a TOTAL jerk, not very attractive, REALLY NOT NICE, this guy is the deffination of a player. Well, I met a dude on the computer and we have hung out a few times, He is a really nice guy, he has told me that he has feelings for me, he is kinda cute but very nice. I am so confused because last time we hung out we ended up making out for 3 hours, I come home to my husband and just want to cry. I have never felt like this when I have done this in the past.

Wow, writing this I sound like a total slut. I really do not know what to do.

Why am I feeling like I need to find other men?

Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

What is my problem?

If you have any answers please let me know.

Thanks.

Why are you all the sudden feeling guilty?

I don't know maybe because you're a bad wife and mother? Actually the real question should be why are3 you just now feeling guilty, you should of been feeling guity long ago.

What is my problem?

Where to begin, you have so many......You don't love your husband. You're selfish and think your personal short term wants are more important than his feelings. You're setting a horrible example for your kid. You don't seem to have any real remourse except for some guilt that just now started to creep in after 4 affairs.

Your husband deserves much better than you (stating the obvious). Why not do him a favor and leave him so he can find a real woman.

Ladyjane14 · 25th May 2005, 10:05 PM

You're self-medicating with illicit sex. See a therapist to find out WHY.

prissymissy · 25th May 2005, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sal Paradise
Why are you all the sudden feeling guilty?

I don't know maybe because you're a bad wife and mother? Actually the real question should be why are3 you just now feeling guilty, you should of been feeling guity long ago.

What is my problem?

Where to begin, you have so many......You don't love your husband. You're selfish and think your personal short term wants are more important than his feelings. You're setting a horrible example for your kid. You don't seem to have any real remourse except for some guilt that just now started to creep in after 4 affairs.

Your husband deserves much better than you (stating the obvious). Why not do him a favor and leave him so he can find a real woman.

Actually, I am a good mother, what I do on my "own time" is not a reflection of what I do in the time that I spend with my daughter. She is a very bright smart young girl and because I have issues of my own WILL NOT REFLECT ON HER. I REFUSE FOR MY PERSONAL LIFE TO EFFECT HER IN ANY WAY.

I know what I did was wrong and that is why I have remourse about it. It was not really an affair at all, 3 of the 4 times. It was kinda like heres a few drinks out with the girls and a MISTAKE.

Thanks for the idea about leaving, that is an option that I am opened to, I just dont know if that is what I want. I do LOVE him and I LOVE my daughter. I just wish that life was easier.

Sal Paradise · 26th May 2005, 5:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by prissymissy
Actually, I am a good mother, what I do on my "own time" is not a reflection of what I do in the time that I spend with my daughter. She is a very bright smart young girl and because I have issues of my own WILL NOT REFLECT ON HER. I REFUSE FOR MY PERSONAL LIFE TO EFFECT HER IN ANY WAY.

I know what I did was wrong and that is why I have remourse about it. It was not really an affair at all, 3 of the 4 times. It was kinda like heres a few drinks out with the girls and a MISTAKE.

Thanks for the idea about leaving, that is an option that I am opened to, I just dont know if that is what I want. I do LOVE him and I LOVE my daughter. I just wish that life was easier.

By easier you mean have your cake and eat it too. You're not gonna get that. Either you can be single and have lots of fun meaningless sex. Or you can have a meaningful long term relationship with a man that loves you.

And whether you choose to believe it or not, your personal life will effect her. Kids are much more perceptive than you would ever imagine. Ask yourself this......would you want you daughter treating a man that loves her this way? How would you feel if your daughter acted as you do? She WILL be EFFECTED by YOUR BEHAVIOR. How can you ever hope to teach your child responsibility if you have absolutely no clue what it is yourself? At some point this will all blow up in your face.

And alcohol is no excuse to cheat. And at this point you can't really call it a mistake, if it keeps happening over and over again it isn't a mistake, its a behavior pattern. If you have self control problems that occur when you drink then you shouldn't drink. More than likely you're just using the alcohol as an excuse to behave the way you want to behave when you're sober. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So the first thing you should do is quit the drinking, you're obviously too weak and immature to handle it.

If you really love your husband you would tell him everything and leave him for his own good. You'd be doing him a major favor. There are plenty of wonderful women out there who will make much better wives for him (of course compared to you thats not saying a whole lot).

JadeStar · 26th May 2005, 9:10 AM

"Why am I feeling the need to find other men?"

Perhaps it stems from childhood. Maybe your father wasn't there for you as much. Or maybe something happened to you as a child.

"Why am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?"

Maybe its catching up with you, the cheating you have done. It means you have a conscience.

"What is my problem?"

You need to get into some counseling so a professional can help you deal with anything from your past that might be spilling over into your adulthood.

Jade

st8toftheheart · 26th May 2005, 9:56 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by prissymissy
I know that I love my husband but I dont know if is curiosity, or lasck of experiences before I got married? I really do not know. I was just posting to get what others thought and if it has happened to anyone else.

Thanks for the replies.

Well then if you truly love yoru husband, then I would stop focusing on why you have feelings for this other man, and focus on what you can do to bring back the spark to your marriage.

Everyone has some though of what would have been if they had not gotten married, if they played the field alittle longer and mis opprotunities.

The bottom line is, what could of have been is no longer relavant when you have made a commitment like getting married.

If you want to explore the world, and that is where your heart truly lies, then do both you and your husband a favour and end it.

But if you truly love him like you say then you owe to both him and yourself to find out what these issue are that drive you to other men, and stop actually going to other men.

Everyone has attractions to others even after they are married, the difference is acting upon those attractions.

Good luck to you.

scarlyjones · 26th May 2005, 11:21 AM

Good mothers arent "good mothers" just because they cook, clean, wipe mouths, teach kids how to ride a bike,..or any of the many fun things mothers do for their kids. A HUUUUUUUGE part of what makes them a good mother is the way they CARRY THEMSELVES. By sleeping with other men behind your husband and your childs (yes your childs back too) you are being an awful mother. Im sorry, but thats true. You may argue that your child really thinks the world of you and loves you dearly. Well,...thats because you havent TOLD your child what you are up to. You have another man for every year you have been married. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield "When you said 'I do',....I should have asked..........with who??" Marriage isnt your gig. Thats obvious. How about instead of you destroying your family,....you stop being so selfish and just divorce your husband instead of making a fool out of him and your child? And uh,...by the way,....you posted " I met this DUDE,..online, .......hes really nice....................hes really cute........." How old are you???????????????!!!!!???? Thats sounds like the post of a freshman in high school. YOU ARE MARRIED. Think about it.........how NICE is this guy, really? He wants to bang a married woman who has a child. Yeah,.............this guy is a freakin saint.

st8toftheheart · 26th May 2005, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by scarlyjones
And uh,...by the way,....you posted " I met this DUDE,..online, .......hes really nice....................hes really cute........." How old are you???????????????!!!!!???? Thats sounds like the post of a freshman in high school. YOU ARE MARRIED. Think about it.........how NICE is this guy, really? He wants to bang a married woman who has a child. Yeah,.............this guy is a freakin saint.

Sometimes I think people come into these site looking for absolution or blessing more than advice. I have seen a number of post that a alarming like.

I cheat on my husband, now he won't cum when I gibe him a BJ
I'm going to have an affair why do I feel guilty.

or

Why is my boyfriend upset that my ex boyfriend is sleeping over in the same bed with me?

I think its time we ressurected that well known super hero "Mr Obvious"

FolderWife · 26th May 2005, 11:39 AM

I've heard that there is some personality disorder (gosh I wish I could remember what it's called!!!

) that makes you more promiscuous. It also makes you not feel remorse...you sound like a classic case to me.

You really should see a doctor.

FolderWife · 26th May 2005, 11:43 AM

Borderline Personality Disorder:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

"People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). "

whichwayisup · 26th May 2005, 11:56 AM

Communicate ALL thoughts to your husband. If you're not sure if you love him or want to be married to him, then TOGETHER get to marriage councilling and DO something about it.

You got married too young maybe, I don't know...But right now you're not behaving like a married woman nor living up to the vows you took.

Stop flirting and wanting the attention from these OM, and focus that energy INTO your husband and your marriage. Give it a chance to work. If you try your best and you still feel out of love for your H, then end the marriage and allow him to find somebody else who will love him and treat him the way he deserves to be treated.

Good luck.