[Jas]

Ok, I just moved in w/ my finace one month ago. I'm completely in love with him and have the utmost
faith in our relationship. We're both very reasonable people and we've gotten through some tough times in the past.

So here is the new issue I don't know how to approach: I don't like living with his cats.....at all!

Now yes, I knew he had these cats all along, and I suspected there may be some adjustments to make,
but I did not expect it to be this irritating and frustrating. They are destructive (have already destroyed curtains,
carpet, shower curtains etc) training seems to be a lost cause since they seem kind of slow (mentally) and the
house just feels dirty to me since they've arrived (litter tracked around and fur). Another concern is we want to
have kids eventually and I cannot imagine having 3 cats w/ a baby - just too hard.

You may have noticed I said 3 cats....so yes, I already have a cat that I adore. I know it seems I'm playing favorites, but
she is the perfect cat. She barely sheds, doesn't scratch on anything but her post, and listens to commands.

So I already know I'm going to get riduculed for being selfish and b*tchy for wanting to keep my cat and toss his out,
but this is why I need advice! I don't see my feeling on these cats changing, and I don't want to upset my fiance by
asking this of him. But I just want one clean, non-destructive cat in our home.

Have any of you gone through this? Have you just adjusted over time, or did you make changes? What am I to do?
This is seriously stressing me out!

[blind_otter]

I have 3 dogs and a cat. I always make it clear to anyone I'm involved with that the dogs are like my babies. If they don't like you, you're gone. If you don't like them, shove off.

If you knew about it before you moved in, I don't know what else to say -- you knew he has 2 messy cats, you didn't think it would be too icky for you? What were you thinking??

[Jas]

Oh, I know this is illogical in every way - that is why it is so frustrating! I have been trying
to deal w/ it. I clipped their nails, I brush them and have been dilligent in trying to train them,
but I am kind of overwhelmed by my distaste for them.

To answer your question about what I was thinking - I guess I went into it with the same blind optimism
that many people have when they find the one they love and think everything will just "work itself out."

But truthfully, until living w/ them - I didn't know the extent of their behaviour. Being at his place, it
wasn't as obvious.

Also, I love my cat to death. I can't imagine getting rid of her - until now. I've been forced to consider that
just because I am asking the same of him. If it really came down to it - I could not choose a cat over the
person that I am certain I want to be with. You could??

I know he wouldn't tell me to shove off, but I still don't want this to become an issue of resentment between us.
Ugh

[FolderWife]

Could you have his cats declawed? They are going through a major adjustment moving in with you and YOUR cat.

As for the shedding, maybe you could confine them to a part of the house that they won't damage or nasty up too badly. I have one indoor cat...I couldn't handle three My mom has three OUTSIDE cats. They come in occasionally, but they MUST stay in the kitchen/dining area...OR she makes them go outside.

Can you keep his cats outside? At least through the day

[Jas]

Thanks for the advice Monday.

Declawing is something I suggested, but then looked into and we both feel it is not a good idea
for humane reasons. Clipping is an alternative I just tried out - we'll see if it does any good.

The other thing is we can find *fixes* for a lot of the issues I have w/ the cats, but I just
don't think it will help in the long run. They'd have to be shaved, declawed and confined to
an area far from my living space for me to be happy...and I know that is crazy.

All 3 cats get along quite well. His are very easy going cats that do not care about
being moved to new environments (see comment about them being mentally slow!)

They are all indoor cats and we live on a busy street. I may not like them, but I don't wish
any harm upon them - so outdoors is a no. They are not allowed in our bedroom area, but
keeping them confined to any other space wouldn't be possible w/ the apt. we have.

At least someone can relate to not being able to handle 3 - it is too much! Especially when they ALL
have to be in the same room as you (bathroom included.)

I think I will just try to stick it out for another month or so, and will confront my fiance with my
wishes then, if it is still this severe. We've already discussed it a bit and at least he is aware
of what I'm feeling. He's regretfully gotten rid of a past cat and I suspect it had something to do
w/ his ex, so that adds another dynamic to it.

I've searched these boards and I can't believe no one else seems to have had this problem -
I can't be the only one!?

[tanbark813]

I can undertand if you moved in without your own pets and then wanted him to get rid of his, but asking him to get rid of his cats but keep yours is pretty f*cked up. Besides, it's not like cats aren't untrainable.

IMHO, it would have to be keep all 3 or get rid of all 3. Those seem like the only fair options.

[Jas]

So tanbark, what you're saying is - a person is allowed to be unhappy with
someone's pets ONLY if they are pet-free themselves??

That's like saying that since I have a mom, I have to like yours. Same diff.

No, I too see the hipocrisy in my situation. I considered what you're saying.
Honestly. I've considered everything you guys have said - but it just boils down
to the fact that I'm not happy. I'm not usually this high-maintenance or
demanding, and I know marriage is all about compromise...but this issue has
two people w/ very strong feelings on either side. Makes it more difficult.

And I didn't say I wouldn't give up my cat. I said I could never imagine it - until now. And
yes, I would get rid of her. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, because he likes her,
so what would the good reason be? Just to spite me?

[dgiirl]

You've only lived with the guy for a month? I'd give it a few more months before you make any real decisions. When I started living with my husband, the first 6 months was the honeymoon period. After that you start to let your guard down and see what real life is going to be like. It would suck if you guys split after he got rid of the cats.

[tanbark813]

You're twisting my words.

Originally posted by jas4577
So tanbark, what you're saying is - a person is allowed to be unhappy with
someone's pets ONLY if they are pet-free themselves??

No, you can be unhappy about whatever you want. I'm saying it's not fair to ask him to get rid of his and not get rid of yours.

Originally posted by jas4577
That's like saying that since I have a mom, I have to like yours. Same diff.

I never said you had to like his cats. Did you consider that getting rid of his cats might make him unhappy? Does that matter to you?

Originally posted by jas4577
I'm not usually this high-maintenance or
demanding, and I know marriage is all about compromise...

Right, which is why I think that all cats or no cats is the way to go.

Originally posted by jas4577
And I didn't say I wouldn't give up my cat. I said I could never imagine it - until now. And
yes, I would get rid of her. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, because he likes her,
so what would the good reason be? Just to spite me?

If your husband is fine with keeping only your cat, then you guys are good to go. I'm just saying that if he objects to that, I don't think it would be cool to get mad at him about that. I have my own cats and I'm just speaking from how I would see things in his shoes, that's all. I can see an issue like this blowing up into a big argument.

[Treasa]

Originally posted by jas4577
That's like saying that since I have a mom, I have to like yours. Same diff.

Well, if you're going to marry the other person, yeah, you kinda do. It's like children. EVERYONE thinks their children are behaved and so perfect. But no one else does. They think THEIR children are perfect.

Here's my other issue:

If you think his CATS are bad, wait til you have kids! It'll make the cats seem like a piece of cake. Think of this as training.

All in all, you have to respect his feelings, too. Like you yourself said, you knew about the cats upfront.

[Jas]

Arrgh! This is so frustrating, cuz you are all making very valid points.

I value everything you guys are saying, I do. I think maybe some of your statements may help me to
just friggin realize I have to deal with it rather than thinking I have an option... MAYBE. I wish I
were more laid-back in this dept. I have always looked forward to having a very nice, organized,
CLEAN home to share w/ my husband/family - and I don't know if it is just my attitude -but cats
don't fit into my little picture.

tanbark: Thanks for your point of view. I appreciate it. Yeah, I twisted your words.
I know it is different. Also, I do care immensely about his feelings,
which is why I'm kind of refraining from going through all of this dialog with him until I have sorted out what
I should realistically expect. However, I also see it this way: a split from his cats will upset him for what -
a few weeks? Meanwhile, living with cats that are destroying my furniture, along with my quality of life could
upset me for as long as their furry little bodies inhabit our home!

dgiirl: yeah, I will give it more time. I don't think we're gonna break up ever, but regardless of that - I will
prove that I've at least made an honest effort.

Treasa: Ha! My fiance made the kid comparison just the other day! That's a huge one for me - I don't want to
be a parent for awhile, and I feel like one already - constantly disciplining the felines! Not to mention what kind of
annoyance they will be when there is a little one around.
And yes - I knew about the cats upfront, but what was I supposed to do then? I didn't know how
it would work until trying it, and I couldn't make an issue of something that was still a "what if"
- so we would be in the same position right now regardless of whether I had made it an issue before we moved in.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by jas4577
tanbark: Thanks for your point of view. I appreciate it. Yeah, I twisted your words.
I know it is different. Also, I do care immensely about his feelings,
which is why I'm kind of refraining from going through all of this dialog with him until I have sorted out what
I should realistically expect. However, I also see it this way: a split from his cats will upset him for what -
a few weeks? Meanwhile, living with cats that are destroying my furniture, along with my quality of life could
upset me for as long as their furry little bodies inhabit our home!

Honestly, the fact that you make that kind of comparison makes me think you value your feelings much moreso than you value his. Is your furniture really more important than his bond with his cats? Even assuming he does get over having lost his cats in a few weeks, that doesn't take into account the resentment that may linger afterwards.

I had an ex who had a pomeranian that I absolutely couldn't stand. It yapped all day and night and pissed and ***** all over the house. But I would have never asked her to get rid of it for me. (Although, if the f*cker ever died I would have strongly opposed getting another one. )

[Jas]

Hmm...

I guess I'm totally solo on my side of the fence here.

Maybe you're right, and I do care more about my feelings in this situation. I don't know.
I understand there are sacrifices to make in a relationship, but have you ever just wanted
something so badly that it just weighed on you? Something you knew was unfair, or irrational?
Well this is the first time for me, and it sucks - cuz I do feel like a child who wants her way -BAD!
Obviously I don't want resentment, though.

As far as the destruction goes - where do you draw the line? I mean, if they were spraying would
that be a good enough reason? I spend a lot of energy in how I keep our home - having the scratched
up walls, carpet and curtains infuriates me.

How do you suggest one manages 3 cats (with claws) and kids? Granted who knows what our living situation
will be at that time - but they will still be indoor, most likely. Just don't know how that will work out...

Did you live w/ the pomeranian-toting ex?

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by jas4577
As far as the destruction goes - where do you draw the line? I mean, if they were spraying would
that be a good enough reason? I spend a lot of energy in how I keep our home - having the scratched
up walls, carpet and curtains infuriates me.

They'll only spray if they're not fixed. So if they're not, they should be. As far as the overall behavior, you can train cats to behave better (i.e., smack them when they're bad), it just takes a little more work than dogs.

Originally posted by jas4577
How do you suggest one manages 3 cats (with claws) and kids? Granted who knows what our living situation
will be at that time - but they will still be indoor, most likely. Just don't know how that will work out...

I don't know. My parents always had 3 or 4 cats and a dog around while my brother and I were growing up. It was never really a problem.

Originally posted by jas4577
Did you live w/ the pomeranian-toting ex?

No, but we saw each other every day and I spent many a night there.

[brashgal]

Some cats will spray even after they've been fixed. I had a problem with one of mine when we moved a new cat in and the older kitty who started spraying had been fixed at 6 months of age.

Maybe you need more scratching posts.

Litter on the floor? Do you have some sort of rug or tray under your litter box? I put rubber mats under mine, it helps keep the litter from getting tracked around. Cleaning the box(es) more often helps too and not filling them quite so full with litter.

My guess is that the 3 cats are not getting along quite as famously as you state. Probably why they're spraying (marking their territory). It takes time for everyone to get along - took 3 months at least at my house (and I had 4 so you can bet I was a basket case).

Keeping them off of the walls and furniture is a discipline thing - if you have the time and you're there, great. If you don't then and you can't stand it, I'd get rid of all the cats.

Good luck!