[Distant Galaxy]

I try and try and try to Chill out and stay calm and cool most of the time.
I'm 30 years old and, i've always been on the shy side, all my life. A little low
in the sel-esteem department. I can get up in front of crowds and talk no problem, with
normal nerves. But i can get shy sometimes and tend to avoid certain situations. But then again,
i have no problem being on stage ( i play bass in a band ) and jumping around.

I'm not one to ramble on in social situations or talk a lot about myself, But i'm finding
that i tend to be wayy to silly and cracking jokes and being weird too much
that i feel like a fool, around other 30 year old dudes or people my age. I'm perfect with kids,
but I feel i don't know how to be a "dude" and tough and "one of the guys". I know how to be nice and polite and silly,
so I crack a lot of jokes and I know it's because: if i feel i'm making people laugh, they'll like me and
then i'm accepted.

But I'm also noticing that I do it too much in front of my girlfriend. We've been together 3 years now,
it's been great. We get along so good. But I feel like i'm too silly around her and I think it's a "nervous"
thing. I feel like sometimes I "weird" her out because, In a situation where i'm feeling nervous around her,
I'll say the first thing on my mind and start talking about some movie or make some silly joke or whatever.
I also tend to talk too much about myself and ramble about something I once did in my childhood or
in high school or what me and my cousins used to do as kids ( and usually forget I told her already)

Long story short...I feel like I'm always having to Justify my existance or prove that I am fun and cool
and it really bothers me. I'm not 100% happy in this shell of mine, but I don't truly despise myself. I
just wish there was a way that I could still be fun loving and fun but be cool-calm-and collected.
I worry way too much about what people think about me, that i get scared too easily and worry and
then anixiety kicks in. I can stand up for myself in the right situations, but in normal situations, i get
vervous.

Anyway got any ideas or stories to relate?

[XNemesisX]

It sounds like you may have an anxiety disorder. This can easily be treated. Have you seen a doctor about it?

Also, you may want to keep this saying in mind "less is more"

When you get the urge to talk a lot, just remind yourself that "less is more" and try to stop talking so much. It's better to be silent than talk too much...

Also, you appear more confident by not talking a lot. It won't make you look silly to be silent. Just talk when you have something constructive to say, and don't let your nerves make you keep talking. This will annoy people and make you look even more awkward (if not just plain annoying).

Anyway, I hope this helps...at least you are recognizing you have a problem and now you can focus on a solution!

[Distant Galaxy]

wow thanks, i'll try that.

I'm a pretty perceptive person. I also notice when others
are being anxious or talking a lot, etc. In fact I once had a friend
who said he used to talk alot, especially around me, because my lack
of conversation made him nervous, so he had to fill in the gaps himself.
So i know what you're talking about. Because i'd notice he'd tell the
same story over, forgetting he already told me. It got annoying. I don't
want to be that way.

anyway, it's true. Less is More.

But sometimes i have a hard time balancing. I'm usually a pretty open and friendly
kind of guy and I find a lot of things fun and i'm creative and have a crazy sense of
humour. So usually when I do "speak out" it's usually something DUMB or SILLY or
STUPID about a movie or Music or whatever. I like making people laugh. But I think i only
like making people laugh because it makes me feel better about myself, like i'm
funny or i'm cool or "they Like Me", "I bring them smiles".

But when it comes to talking serious and getting down to "real" talk, I stutter and
my brain goes blank and I get quiet.

I just want to be able to relax. I can't relax. I can't feel comfortable in my skin.
But i'll try a few things. Less is more.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, I know how you've been feeling alot of the time, I have an anxiety disorder. It's rough at times but with therapy - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - it HELPS ALOT.

The key is slow exposure to the actual fear. It's all about your mind set! Mind control is SO powerful. It's so easy to let fears and negative thoughts take over...I bet when you're feeling good - Those little fears, insecurities don't affect you much, but if you're not feeling well, and/or are extremely tired, stressed out or feeling abit down, they come out and that is when it happens.

I know with me ALL my good days are when I'm feeling good emotionally and physically! Depending where I am in my monthly cycle - that definately affects my anxiety levels. (lucky you don't have to deal with that eh! )

Go talk to your doctor about CBT. It will make a huge difference in your life if you're comfy with one on one therapy. You'll learn how to talk yourself through those rough moments, that inner nervousness and feelings that make you say silly things or feel embarressed. I have done that too! Just don't lose your humour! lol. I've said and done some pretty stupid things and I'm sure it will happen again!

Let your gf in all that you're feeling, she can help you through the process and be a huge support to you.

Hope this helps abit. Take it easy.

[Distant Galaxy]

thanks, whichwayisup (and nemesis too)

i think you're right on The key being 'slow exposure to the actual fear'.
Face your fears. Stare them directly in the face and deal with them.
i hear what you're saying.

And you're right, I have good days and I have bad days; periods of time
where i'm feeling good, things are going smooth, i feel cool(but not cocky),
nothing can hurt me....and then times where i'm nervous, shy to get a little kiss
from my girl in public (for fear someone's watching and judging me) and just all
around scared to death that I could be the center of attention. It's almost
like a panic attack. Not a disabling attack where i can't function. Just an attack
where my heart is pumping fast, my voice cracks and stutters, I'm shaking, etc.
I hate being told i'm quiet or shy. But it's true.

I'll go see a doc. But i'm a bit reluctant to let my girl in on my fears. I don't want to
give her any insecurities about my courage or strength. I want her to know she has a strong
man. Maybe that's my dumb male pride, but I just don't want her to have to worry
about me or get a different picture about me.

Thanks for your advice, it's very appreciated.