[Nathan Jo]

Dear all,

Hope you can help with some general advice for me.

I've been dating a girl now for six months. I'm in love with her and she is in love with me. I have been in one other significant relationship in the past, and I was also in love. That lasted for three years, and the breakup was unexplained and very painful.

I have a problem in that I think I'm addicted to seeing my girlfriend. Let me give an example. Last night, we were at a party and I was expecting and hoping she would ask me to spend the night, she generally does at such times. As it happens, I was pretty much told to go home, because she needed to spend the night by herself.

Now, I get home, bit drunk, and spend the whole night feeling terrible because my ego has been bruised. I even had to go round this morning to see her to make sure we were OK. Of course we were OK! She just needed to be alone for the night. Why should I worry when there are no problems? And yet I do.

This morning I asked her how she felt about me. She said I was wonderful and she felt the same as she always had. So I really shouldn't have felt so bad, should I? But I did.

I'm worried that because I get so worried all the time I'm going to come across as being whiny, and this will put her off. But still, she seems lately to be put off spending some intimate time with me, and I really want to spend some with her.

How can I encourage her to spend more intimate time with me, and to have sex, without coming across as needy?

A little about me and the relationship. I'm affluent, and I spend more than average on my girlfriend when shopping and dining and the like. I take care of her in every way I can, by bringing her coffee and flowers and gifts out of the blue or when they are needed due to stress, grief, etc. The sex is good, but we haven't in teh last couple of weeks, and this bothers me a little.

Any general comments on anything I've said will be much appreciated.

[moimeme]

Distrust and fear aren't very complimentary. If you care about someone, you don't want your regard to be questioned constantly. Nobody wants to end up stuck with a clinger/stalker, and people who are too needy come off as stalkers-to-be. These are the reasons that, no matter how much part of you wants to flip out when these things happen, you MUST get it under control. No getting drunk. No spending a whole night freaking out. And definitely no 'are we ok's.

You fear loss. We all do. Once you treasure something, you worry that this good thing will go away but the paradox is that the harder you try to grab it, the more surely you will drive it away. So you must get a grip. Tell yourself it's an insult to her to mistrust her. And next time when you start worrying, force yourself to do anything else.

How can I encourage her to spend more intimate time with me, and to have sex, without coming across as needy?

You can't. You can't make, encourage, or in any other way get a person to do what you want. What you can do is be the sort of person she wants to be with. And that means an interesting, caring, independent guy. So focus on making you the best you you can be.

[Nathan Jo]

Thanks for the reply Moimeme. It's exactly the sort of advice I was hoping for.

So, I need to sort myself out before it becomes a problem. I feel a great deal better about things now, I kept my mouth shut about how I was feeling and just sucked it up, acted like everything was OK, and lo and behold, she invited me round for dinner and I spend the night.

I find it hard to believe that giving a girl less makes her want you more, but it looks like it is true. So i need a few more pointers.

When she turns me down for whatever reason, how should I react? (Please bear in mind we've been dating for 6 months.)

We still haven't made love in over a week. Is this something that I should be concerned about? She's taking very important exams right now and she's stressed, could this be the reason? Why do I always want to, and she doesn't always want to? And how should I react/behave?

These are all tips for me trying to become a better person. I feel that I am in no real danger, but I want to be the best boyfriend I can be.

Please help!

[Auz]

Let me make it simple for you -

Sex is not everything in a relationship.


Why do you always want to have sex? Because you're a guy

Why doesnt she always want to? Because shes a girl and many of them dont NEED to go bonking like rabbits every day. Sure some do (like some on Loveshack), but believe it or not Girls dont necessarily think about sex 1000 times a day.

Take the following sentence:

'Jessica tenderly mounted the stallion'

Hands up all the guys who immeadiately thought of something sexual even if for a split second.

Now hands up all the girls who thought the same.

Experiment is now complete

Auz

[Nathan Jo]

So I shouldn't read it as anything other than her own personal desires?

I have a large temptation to see a problem with myself - am I not good enough, is she not attracted to me in that way? Of course, I have no other reasons to believe this.

Thanks for the last post, I'm learning to understand. I guess I just need to chill out a little.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

1001 for me (my hand is up)

[Jennifer'sSecret]

Originally posted by Nathan Jo
We still haven't made love in over a week. Is this something that I should be concerned about? She's taking very important exams right now and she's stressed, could this be the reason? Why do I always want to, and she doesn't always want to? And how should I react/behave?

Having been the girl in this situation (studying but having a clingy boyfriend wanting sex), let me advise you...

Be VERY careful here. If she's in the middle of important exams, that should be her priority, and franky, it should also be YOUR priority. If you even so much as HINT to her that she should be having sex with you instead of focusing on her exams, you are essentially telling her that you/SEX are more important than her exams and her own personal future.

Do NOT even ASK her for sex during this period of time. Let her come to you to, er, relieve her stress. You need to be her emotional support system right now, but instead you sound like a whiny, clingy baby. She's withdrawing from you because she knows what is more important right now, and you are likely annoying her. If you want to keep her in your life, you need to STOP that and just leave her be, sexually speaking. Be there for her, let her know that you're there for her if she needs anything. Cuddle her, don't try to paw her.

THEN, once her exams are over, if she's still acting the same way, THAT is when you should worry and re-think things.