Hello,

I want to tell a bit of my story and then tell you what I have been thinking I should do to
end this madness that goes on in my head everyday.

My H and I have been married 26 years. High school sweethearts.
We met another married couple and started hanging out with them (a lot) about 10 years ago.
I became good friends with the wife where my H didn't click as well with her H. I would say that they were friends, just didn't seem to have much in common.

We got together every Friday and Saturday night. The OW and I would talk on the phone most everyday. After about 6 months into this I started noticing a flirtation between my H and the OMW. I would tell my H that I noticed it and that I didn't really like it but he said it was nothing....
just having fun.

To make a long story short, one night after some partying with this couple they got in a huge fight and she left her H at our house. My H told him he would drive him home. They got there and the OMW was screaming she wasn't going to stay there if her H was staying. So she got in her car and left and my H ended up following her "to make sure she was alright". She didn't want to go back home and had no money so my H got her a hotel room so she could sleep it off. Well, so the story goes, he made sure she got her room and some how some kisses were exchanged. Thats all that happened supposedly. Both of them told the same story. Anyhow, that was pretty much the end of our couples friendship.

Flash forward to 2003 when I thought everything in my marriage was perfect. Surprise, Surprise!
I stumbled onto a cell phone number and a few text messages on my H phone and all hell broke loose. He had been having a relationship with this OMW (same as above) for 8 months. It was "supposedly" just a phone relationship but when I dug deeper I found some pretty amazing things he was saying to her. He was telling her how beautiful she was, had nicknames for her and even told her he loved her. Anyway, bad, bad experience when I never thought this OMW would ever effect my life again.

I am trying to get over this and my H makes me believe that he loves me and only me and that he is truthfully sorry, but I just can't get this out of my mind. I'm 44 years old and don't want to spend the next 5 years believing my H would never do this again only to find out he has. I'm getting too old to spend time on this relationship only to have it fail in a few years. So....heres what I'm thinking of doing and I'd like some input from people who know what it feels like to be betrayed.

I know where the OMW works and I want to go to her and tell her how frustrated I am with her and my H. I want to tell her that I have info about her H that she deserves to know. And thats not a lie, I do. The OH tried to get me to see him after this last episode and we met secretly a few times. At first it was for information purposes only for both of us and then he started making comments about how hot I was and how he had impure thoughts about me when he was with his W. So I cut the meetings off and told my H about them. Now I want to ask her to call my H and let me be on the other end (3-way calling) so I can hear how my H reacts. I will tell the OMW if she does this for me I will give her the info she deserves about her H. Her H deserves to be had since I found out he had an affair with his SIL of all people.

I hope you understand this as I typed it fast....need to get to work.
Am I opening up a can of worms? Maybe, but I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my time with a man that desires another woman.

Any suggestions or opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading,
forgetit

[EnigmaXOXO]

What possible outcome do you expect from all this?

Would adding even more drama to this crazy four-way help you to make a decision about the rest of your life one way or another?

With all the horrid details you already have, I'm more curious about what it is that motivates you to stay with your husband and remain in contact with these toxic people? Just how hard does everyone have to kick Zam before Zam finally stands up for herself and says "enough is enough."

Don't become pathetic gluten for punishment. Listen to that rational voice inside that says:

…but I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my time with a man that desires another woman.

That, to me, sounds like darn good advice.

If I were in this situation, instead of wasting my time scheming revenge plots, I'd be busy planning a total re-haul of my entire life…including finding myself some better friends!

[LucreziaBorgia]

How did the relationship with the OW and your H end? Was there a D-day? A 'no contact' agreement? Did you guys go to any counseling? Does the H still have contact with OW?

If the events in your post are around two years old, and the relationship was ended between your H and the OW at that time, I don't know what good telling the OW about her H will do at this point.

Have you thought of going into marriage counseling with your husband to deal with these unresolved issues?

[Illusion24]

How can a man that has disrespected you as a woman and as a wife get so many chances???

Theirs two things I won't forgive a man for: Cheating on me or/and Hitting me!!! IMHO, I you're to old for this kind of bullshyt...Take your dignity and pride while you still have it and leave. Don't be afraid to be alone.. It's better to be alone than have bad company and someone bringging you down.

What do want exactly from this OW?? To comfirm something that's only going to hurt you more. You want details...why?? Why would you put yourself through this?? Do you have children?? If you do, think of them.

[HotCaliGirl]

I think that's a great idea! You have to make sure though that when she calls, your husband can be reached, otherwise your plan will blow over, as she'll get a chance to talk to him in the meantime when you're not there and he could prepare to respond indifferently and in agreement with her telling him they need to stop seeing each other when the "real" call is later made with you on the other end. They will be the ones playing you.

If he's capable to have been with her for the past eight months, how do you not know it wasn't for the past 2 yeasrs since 2003? How could you believe anything he tells you anymore? How do you know he will really stop seeing her or how can you have peace of mind not suspecting he may be seeing someone else in the future, since he's been cheating on you at a time when he's been still in love with you! That's the scary part.

[forgetit]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
How did the relationship with the OW and your H end? Was there a D-day? A 'no contact' agreement? Did you guys go to any counseling? Does the H still have contact with OW?

If the events in your post are around two years old, and the relationship was ended between your H and the OW at that time, I don't know what good telling the OW about her H will do at this point.

The relationship ended when I found out. As far as I know there has been no contact between them at all and I have been watching pretty closely.

[color=red][color=0]The last event is 1 year old since I found out and was going on for 8 months prior.[/color][/color]

Originally posted by HotCaliGirl
I think that's a great idea! You have to make sure though that when she calls, your husband can be reached, otherwise your plan will blow over, as she'll get a chance to talk to him in the meantime when you're not there and he could prepare to respond indifferently and in agreement with her telling him they need to stop seeing each other when the "real" call is later made with you on the other end. They will be the ones playing you.

[color=red]Yes, I know I will have to make sure that she will be able to get a hold of him or my plan will backfire. [/color]
If he's capable to have been with her for the past eight months, how do you not know it wasn't for the past 2 yeasrs since 2003? How could you believe anything he tells you anymore? How do you know he will really stop seeing her or how can you have peace of mind not suspecting he may be seeing someone else in the future, since he's been cheating on you at a time when he's been still in love with you! That's the scary part.

I know that I look like a fool to some people for even being with him now. It's been 1 year since I found out and things are pretty good. My H is talking about buying land to build our dream house, something we have talked about for years now. The thing that I'm trying to accomplish by my plan is to see if what my H is saying to me is the truth. That he loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together happy. And that he is truthfully sorry and that he wishes he wasn't the cause of so much pain in my life.

They have not spoke in a year so I think my plan will let me finally know for certain if I should stay and work things out or if I should run in the other direction.

Another thing I think I should mention is that I'm not me in this marriage right now. I have too many doubts but I also have to mention that I do care enough about him to make an effort towards the great marraige he seems to want now. A effort I will be willing to give when I hear first hand that he doesn't want to have contact with her. And if I hear anything in his voice or words that would make me believe differently~~~ I'm GONE!!! or I should say he will be gone cuz he ain't getting my house

Also, I don't know yet if she does this for me if I will tell her about her H. Maybe I'll just walk awy and say something along the linew of GOTCHA. I don't care what happens in their relationship AT ALL.
We as a couple have not had contact with this couple for 3 years. As far as friends go, I have some great girlfriends that say to do what my gut tells me and my gut is telling me to PUT HIM TO THE TEST.

Again, thank you for you advice.

zam

[HotCaliGirl]

Originally posted by forgetit
Also, I don't know yet if she does this for me if I will tell her about her H. Maybe I'll just walk awy and say something along the linew of GOTCHA. I don't care what happens in their relationship AT ALL.

That's a good idea. Why be the cause of someone's marrital problem yourself and be involved in it when you have the option not to? You might be viewed as a homewrecker, there might be suspicions whether you really did get together with her husband, etc. Just tell her that after giving it some thought, you don't want to provide her information that might ruin her marriage. That will keep her in suspense and at least cause some problems with her H when she gets home, and he might even confess to something else that he thinks you may know about.

focus on your husband, yourself and your marriage. dont blame the 3rd party. as if there werent her, there would be another OW. The problem comes from within, not outside of your marriage.

[New_Wife]

If you feel that there are answers to be had, I would suggest that you hire a P.I. to investigate for you. I don't imagine it would cost overly much for your situation, and you would have the peace of mind that a non-biased individual did not slant any results for hopeful/hopeless reasons.