explanations never help, right?

sunshinegirl · 5th May 2005, 1:50 PM

I'm feeling like a real twit these days, posting ridiculous things that have no answers or just belie what a whacked emotional state I'm in. But I figure it's better to post here than to reopen contact with my ex....so please be patient with me.

My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road?

Does it ever help with closure? Or does it just become a bunch of reasons that you then want to argue with to change their minds? Has anyone ever had a *helpful* closure conversation with someone who dumped them?

(and yes, yes, I know that closure has to come from within and that healing can't come from the person that hurt you)

laRubiaBonita · 5th May 2005, 1:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sunshinegirl
My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road?

Does it ever help with closure? Or does it just become a bunch of reasons that you then want to argue with to change their minds? Has anyone ever had a *helpful* closure conversation with someone who dumped them?

(and yes, yes, I know that closure has to come from within and that healing can't come from the person that hurt you)

I think it depends on YOUR motive for this conversation. do you really just want to talk to or see this person? i mean, he is the one that had the sudden change of heart....you prob. still love him.

so will this closure convo. really help you or is it just a "healthy" thing to say, so that you can try to win him back?

Merin · 5th May 2005, 2:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita
I think it depends on YOUR motive for this conversation. do you really just want to talk to or see this person? i mean, he is the one that had the sudden change of heart....you prob. still love him.

so will this closure convo. really help you or is it just a "healthy" thing to say, so that you can try to win him back?

I agree...

I think there is usually another reason for wanting to know the exact reason, time and date of when the person changed thier mind for whatever reason(s) then the game face is on and you see people trying to argue why the EX is/was all wrong about ending things...

sunshinegirl · 5th May 2005, 2:22 PM

Great points. I think my underlying motive would be to get him back.

Since I wrote that post, I've realized that d*mn it all, I am still holding on to hope. Part of me now wants to write him and just get confirmation that he hasn't had any second thoughts and that he's perfectly content w/ his decision to break up. Then, while I would feel rejected again for a little while, I would finally finally be able to kill my hope and really move on with my life.

Is that insane?

laRubiaBonita · 5th May 2005, 2:23 PM

if he did have second thoughts......... he would find you.

let it go, save face.

Merin · 5th May 2005, 2:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sunshinegirl

Is that insane?

It's self destructive... "Don't Speak' by No Doubt...

Quote:

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita
if he did have second thoughts......... he would find you.

Word

sunshinegirl · 5th May 2005, 2:33 PM

How else can I really really kill my hope, then?

I know it would probably make me feel like sh*t in the short-term, but it would be like ripping the bandaid off. I would finally be able to slam the door shut.

As it is, I am still holding onto the dream that maybe in a few months he WILL come back. And THAT seems self-destructive, too.

Merin · 5th May 2005, 2:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sunshinegirl
How else can I really really kill my hope, then?

I know it would probably make me feel like sh*t in the short-term, but it would be like ripping the bandaid off. I would finally be able to slam the door shut.

As it is, I am still holding onto the dream that maybe in a few months he WILL come back. And THAT seems self-destructive, too.

Think of it this way.. Because of the way YOU still feel about him there isn't much you wouldn't be willing to do to get back with him right? YOU would move Heaven and Earth to have another chance because you still Love him and want to be with him... believe me when I say that Guys are no different IF they really Love someone and want to be with them... IF your EX wanted another chance or had a change of heart there is nothing he wouldn't do to let you know... if that isn't a door being closed I don't know what is...

I'm sorry.. know it's hard.. but I think it's worse to try to hold on to something thats gone then to let it go...

laRubiaBonita · 5th May 2005, 3:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sunshinegirl
How else can I really really kill my hope, then?

I know it would probably make me feel like sh*t in the short-term, but it would be like ripping the bandaid off. I would finally be able to slam the door shut.

As it is, I am still holding onto the dream that maybe in a few months he WILL come back. And THAT seems self-destructive, too.

how about him NOT calling or seeing you as the ripped band aid?

we cannot take away your Dream of getting back with him.....but let it be a secret dream, if it was meant to be you will not need to lift a finger.

so in the meantime....while you sit back and wait for him to crawl to you, go out have fun.

Most people are most attracted to things that they cannot have.

blackendangel13 · 5th May 2005, 3:09 PM

I agree with everyone here. When you still care for someone the process of getting closure is usually motivated by our want to fix whatever the problem was. Not to mention a lot of us can't deal with the fact that feelings do change and rationally think there has to be some other explanation.

A lot of times seeking closure will just end in hurt and anger. I tried with my ex. He gave me all these bull**** reasons for wanting out but even to this day he can't be honest that he just didn't care that much at the time. All those reasons made me angrier and more hurt. I was mad that he couldn't be honest with me when he was feeling this way.

So my advice is like everyone elses. Stay away. In most cases of "feelings changing" it really doesn't have much to do with you. People fall out of love everyday and yes it sucks, but take this as a good sign to find someone who will love you.

my_manda · 5th May 2005, 3:33 PM

I think getting explanations from him will either A. Make you feel worse because he will verbalize your worst fears, or B. Make you think there is a chance when his actions have already told you his intentions. I spent two years with a guy and when we broke up he always said that even though I made assumptions, I did not know what he was thinking. I always felt backed into a corner until one day, he said this again, and I finally said " I don't need an explanation, I don't care what you are thinking, basically, your actions have told me all I ever need to know." Talking does not give the closure, the door shut when he physically left.

EC · 5th May 2005, 3:42 PM

My ex left me mysteriously. I called him houdini!

I always wanted an explanation other than 'changed feelings'.

I said i wanted closure but really I wanted just another chance to see him, another chance to talk to him and see if maybe he would change his mind, a chance to make him want me again. I wanted to hear the reasons so that I could argue them and change his mind. I tried to convince myself it was for closure but really I was just trying to hold on. Telling myself I couldn't move on until I KNEW for a fact it was really done and that there was no way in hell we could ever get back together.

It was hell. But finally I snapped out of it. And I got my closure in an unexpected way.

Illusion24 · 5th May 2005, 3:48 PM

Quote:

My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road?

IMHO...No!! As a matter of fact, when I recently broke up with my ex he searched and asked for a good explanation to have closure and I swear I tried but all I could think of was..."I'm just not in love with you anymore"!! It was nothing he did, he treated fairly good and was a good boyfriend.

I notice now as time goes by that I never really gave him a heads up but I do remember giving him some head up about what I like and don't like...How I like to be kissed, the way I put my things in a certain way, and for some reason he never got it...

Of course until now...Now he realized he should have looked into my eyes more, he should have kissed me the way I wanted him too and he should have payed more attention to me the I needed it. Till this day he askes me if theirs something else that I want to tell him to give him some type of closure and I say no...

We even agreed that I would write him an email giving him my reason once I found them...and to be honest with you, I was never going to write it

....Why? Because I didn't see the point, he would eventually realize me not being in love with him is enough

sunshinegirl · 9th May 2005, 12:30 PM

Closure is ****ing painful. Against the advice of everyone here, I emailed my ex last week:

"By the way, is there any way you can satisfy my curiosity over what really happened between us? I'm still inclined to think that it was our pace...and our not communicating well about it...that threw things off. Can you set me straight on that? I certainly don't want to repeat mistakes going forward."

Three days later, he sent this reply:

"Sorry that it has taken a couple of days for me to get back to you. I enjoyed the time we spent together and I enjoy you as a person and loved getting to know your family. But at the end of the day, I felt more strongly about you with regard to friendship than I did with regard to dating. I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think you have to worry about repeating any mistakes. Best wishes."

I feel like complete ***** now. Back to square one. How can he be so clinical about it all? Like spending six months with me was as enjoyable as an excursion to the zoo. As though he DIDN'T pursue me hard, as though he wasn't the one calling me "honey" after two weeks, as though he didn't introduce me to all his friends, take me to weddings, go on several trips with me, meet my family. As though he didn't tell me he thought I was "the *****", and repeatedly tell (and show) me how attracted he was to me? He merely "enjoyed" it?

I feel devastated all over again. I hate this man. I hate him for showing up in my life. I hate him for making me believe we had a future together. I hate him for making all my friends jealous because we were so wonderful together and people saw we had something "special". No, wait, it wasn't special. It was merely enjoyable. What kind of rat bastard with no feelings says that? I feel used. I feel like crawling in a corner. I feel like dying.

Merin · 9th May 2005, 12:35 PM

Sorry... this is why I said let it go...

Honestly I know it hurts and it's painful to hear that you didn't mean as much to him as he meant to you... and for real, this kind of thing happens all of the time.. it just sucks more when it's You It's happening to at that moment...

Best thing to do now is stop asking yourself why he would've done this, that, the other if he didn't mean it.. and leave things alone...

Hang in there