[confused1968]

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When you find out your're the other woman; what to do?

I don't want to make this story too long so I'll try to be as brief as possible. I met a man online in January of 2002 when he contact me after viewing my online public profile which had my photo on it. He wrote and said he liked my photo, thought I was cute, and was interested in getting to know me. We chatted for months getting to know each other. The chatting and emailing led to telephone conversations. After several months passed I asked if he had any children with his ex wife and he said his only son died several yrs back by drowning which led to his divorce. I, by the way have three children and had a tubal so I wouldn't have more children. After about 8months of telephone conversations we finally met. It was instant love. We were already so close because of all the conversations in the past.

We spent as much time together as we could. He lives in Wichita Falls, Texas and I am from the central texas area. Our relationship was a good one and we became closer as time went by. He even brought up wanting to get married. I visited him in WF once and didn't have any reason to be suspicious of anything at the time. He would show me pics of his deceased child and we would cry about it together. One day when he came to visit a police officer friend of mine was in the neighborhood and ran the license plate on my boyfriend's car, not knowing it belonged to someone I knew. He called me several days later asking me who TG is and I asked him why. He kept asking me but I didn't know why until he asked who's car was in front of my house. When I told him it belonged to my boyfriend he said it was registered to TG which was his ex wife and was recently registered at ???? address. I was shocked. He gave me the name of my boyfriend's supposed ex wife and his current address. When I confronted my bf he said he borrowed the car from a friend after he wrecked his truck and didn't know why it was in her name. That is when I started doing all I could to find some answers. Searching the net, going through his things, etc..... I found out there was no evidence of divorce no matter what county he kept directing me to and that he had 5 sons which he later tried to confess were his nephews. He told me he was taking care of one of them and he even brought him to my house. He had this 13 yr old boy tell me he was his nephew when it turned out to be his son. I didn't believe all his stories and explainations after that and kept searching. I found out he is still married, but says he is in the process of getting a divorce and has been separated for some time. I don't know why I didn't end it then, all I knew is that I loved him and wanted so much to believe him. Not to mention, I was in denial partially about being done the way he did me. I am not some tramp homewrecker. I am a professional woman and he is a professional man. I just couldn't believe all this mess I found myself in.Three years have passed and he confessed he was lying to me intially and apologized for starting the lies with me. He said he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. He said he procrastinated about the divorce because of extensive financial reasons but was handling everything.

I went so far as to try to contact his wife via email, which may have been a mistake, but I needed some answers and he wasn't giving them to me. She didn't reply and he told me she forwarded the email to him and asked to be left alone. I don't know that she didn't question him and he gave an explanation she believed. I have met his parents and a brother. They never bring up the wife, just the kids. He gave me a $7,000.00 diamond engagement ring and has taken me to Cancun and we are going again in a couple of weeks. Could it be he is telling the truth or perhaps his wife just doesn't care that he is cheating? I wish I knew the truth, but can't really afford a private investigator. I have contemplated just showing up on his door step unannounced, but not sure if that is the right thing to do. He has met all my family and all my friends. I have even posted photos of us together online. Please help someone. I don't want to be the other woman. I know some of you will be sarcastic and critical but maybe it is what I need to hear. There is so much more to this story, but space and time limits me. Sorry for making this so long.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have contemplated just showing up on his door step unannounced, but not sure if that is the right thing to do.

Outside of that, I can't think of any other way you are going to find out the actual truth of the matter since you can't afford to hire a PI. Sometimes it takes seeing to believe. You find out the true measure of a man when you catch him in a corner with nowhere else left to lie to.

[blind_otter]

I think LB is right.

Although I've heard of people who have "estranged husbands/wives" who they are still married to, but don't live together and carry on separate lives. Why he woudl give you a big honking expensive engagement ring if he's still living with his wife is beyond me, though. This is definately a bizarre case.

[confused1968]

Thank you LB and B_O for your replies.

He is always the one visiting me and has never asked me to visit him after I found out about the wife. I have never met anyone he works with, although I have met him in several cities while he is on a business trip. Once he even came by and picked me up to spend time with him on a day I later found out was his wedding anniversary.

I want to believe in him and I do love him, but considering his initial lies I just can't totally trust him now.

He will never know the pain he caused me, especially when I found out the child I spent hours crying for didn't exist. The pictures he showed me were of his youngest child, which is still living. I had mentioned having a tubal done in my initial post. I was even considering a reversal to have a child with him. Glad I didn't.

[shellys-trying]

this case is indeed bizarre. IMO, this guy is some kinda bad news, I just can't figure out how, just my gut instinct, I guess.

You met him online? He sounds very odd to me. There's way too many SG out there. I'd get away from this dude! You might get more than you bargained for and his wife who doesn't seem to care about the affair...

what if she decides to care one of these days? You might be dealing with a very volatile situation!

Just a thought!

He lied to you about being divorced, having 5 sons, and a deceased child? And you still accepted an engagement ring from him? This guy is married! Married to someone else, don't you realize that?

I don't understand how you could even expect that you will be able to trust him one day--this guy is very obviously a sleaze, and not someone who you should love. It's your choice whether you act on your feelings or reason... My advice: RUN!

[confused1968]

Thank you shellys_trying for your thought.

Never thought of the wife as being a threat but it is a good thought. She is definitely in the position to cook up some trouble seeing that she works for the Texas DPS. She may have even looked up some info about me in my driving record. I just can't understand why she wouldn't reply, caring or not. If someone confronted me I would reply, then perhaps add that I would rather not be contacted again.

I wouldn't just stand back and expect my significant other to provide me with all the answers. When doubt is raised, I have to find the truth out.
Just wish I knew the truth in this case.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, the W is the least of your worries. You are involved with a man who not only lied about the death of a child, but was able to successfully trick you by putting on such a convincing emotional act about it. If he is able to fake a depth of emotion like that over a fictional child, and fool you into believing it - then you'll have to understand that nothing else he says or does, no matter how convincing can be trusted as the 'truth'.

Be very, very careful. For everything he is telling you, he is probably telling the wife something completely different. For all you know, he has her convinced you are a delusional dangerous stalker.

If you do choose to show up on the doorstep, take someone with you to wait in the car. You'll find with some of these H's that despite the promises of undying love, and passion when you cross over into his turf - they become very, very protective of the W and security of their home life they claim to want so badly to get away from and they can get very, very mean when they turn on you.

He gave you a ring, your engaged.. why CAN"T YOU just show up at his door step?

If you have such doubt, don't marry him, your already not sure and I know that just by you posting your pre-wedding issue here.

[aklost101]

i too met MM online. he never told me he was married. one evening while we were out together i asked him "have you ever been married" and he told me all about his first wife and how they divorced b/c of his work etc. a few months later while we were out again i noticed a very distinctive tan line on the 3rd finger of his left hand. i tried every option of rationalizing it and at one point in an online conversation said "that's a nice tan-line on your finger. where did you get it" figuring he'd come clean. no dice. i took it upon myself to start asking questions.... i started leading conversations with people at work to people around him that i knew of (not a whole lot of info, but enough that i could look to later), i would also ask people he's introduced me to about him. finally i started looking online and in back editions of newspapers.

after being clever enough to tie loose ends together i found his wife's name. and then her address. i debated whether or not to drive by. eventually i did. saw his car in the driveway. rationalized it as a fluke that maybe he was just picking his kids up for visitation... not the case though.

he's not too careful about seeing me though. he doesn't take me to out of town places (unless it's something special like an opera, etc)

finally one night i broke the news to him that i had found out about his wife and 2 of his children... his only response was "who told you?" not regret. not remorse. not even shame. and yet i stay. self-esteem be damned. i've tried to bring it up time and again to find out what he's seeking with me... why he didn't tell me... he says only "i guess it was inevitable that you would find out. it is a small town" and "she and i are more like roommates".

technically MM never lied to me about her/them, only lied by omission. the man you are seeing scares me for you though.
you say you are going to cancun w/ him. (a 2nd time) was the first time you went before you let him know what you found? or after? if it was before i would seriously reconsider going with him a 2nd time. "what happens in mexico stays in mexico" you may not come home... he doesn't sound stable.

good luck, confused.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Wow.

Lies, lies…so many lies. I don't know what further proof a PI could provide that you haven't already discovered yourself.

For me, it wouldn't matter one iota whether he was still legally married or not. The fact that prince charming was a phony from the get-go would be enough to send me running for the border. I'd have to shower for weeks just to rid myself of the "yucky" residue.

[FolderWife]

I went through basically the same thing!

Except I was 16 with a 17 year old liamaniac. I didn't find out until two years later, RIGHT BEFORE my 18th birthday, that everything he ever told me about himself was a lie.

I dumped him. He didn't lie about his kids, he didn't lie about his wife, he didn't lie to that extreme...he just lied when he didn't show up to church one morning, he was doing drugs and pretending to be a goody two shoes, he said he was working to pay for his new car, when in reality his mommy was paying for it.

Little unimportant lies. But I dumped him none the less. Who wants to be saddled with a liar the rest of their life?

My husband lies about things like porn etc....I almost left him over that. I think you need someone you can trust.

[confused1968]

Thanks for all the wonderful in put. You are all telling me things I have told myself but need to hear from outside sources who aren't directly involved. All my co-workers know about him and have met him. They don't like the lies he has told but none of him believe he could be carrying on two lives like that. They tell me they can definitely tell he is in love with me and he does so muc for me. I guess he has all of them fooled too. They tell me that no one could be that good to carry on two lives that way. He spends almost every weekend with me. He pays for everything mostly by credit cards; I would expect someone hiding things from his wife to pay by cash. I wonder how he explains being away so much. I know he travels alot with work, but when he is not busy with meetings he seems to want to spend all his time on the phone with me.

When he is at home, he keeps me on the phone for hours because he fears I may be talking to another man. I tell myself it is just normal jealousy but at the same time I think it is because he likes having something to argue about other than the lies he has told me. I rationalized to myself the reason for the lies was because you can't be too trusting of people on the net with all your personal information but at the same time I would have expected him to come clean on his own without me having to find out or trying so hard to stick to the lies. I also told myself he lied about it all because perhaps he was just wanting to flirt or have a fling on the side and never expected our relationship to grow, but when you start with lies how can you go back and change things? I told him I had three kids and I couldn't wait for them to grow up so I could be on my own and that I didn't want more kids. I thought maybe that was it. How do you tell someone who doesn't want more kids, you have 5 kids of your own? No matter how I try to rationalize things in my head a lie is a lie is a lie; and you just don't lie about your family. If he didn't want to tell me everything about his life I would have rather had him say he wanted to get to know me more before he told me everything, then to just start out with a lie.

You would also think someone would eventually get confused as to whom they have told what to, but he tends to remember things very well. He can remember exactly what he has said , when he said it, and what we were doing when he said it. I found that out when I tried to mix things up a bit to catch him off guard.

As far as our trip to Cancun, one person asked if the first trip was before I found out about things, the answer is no. I had already known and was almost afraid of going then, but everything was fine and romantic. Plus I made sure I checked in with my family on a regular basis and they all had info as to where I would be and when I would be back. I kept my cell with me at all times just in case I needed it.

I guess what gets me the most is my dad says he really likes my boyfriend, but at the same time doesn't trust him. He says he is a good person, but fears he would get too possessive over me if we were to ever get married. Even though I hate admitting it, my dad has never been wrong about the men in my life.

Thanks again for all the input.

[forms]

The man is a sociopath. He's a classic psychopath/sociopath. Please don't think you have to be a serial murderer to be a psychopath. That's only an extreme form of the condition. I know you will not believe me, so please spend several hours this evening and research the terms. Also research narcisstic personality disorder.

His wife has done nothing because he has fed her as many lies as he has fed you and she believes them. You will never untangle all the lies and motives behind his actions. You will never understand. A man who invents a dead child, who calls his sons nephews and makes them repeat the lie, who has done all the things you say he's done is mentally ill. Not mentally ill in a chemical imbalance sort of way, but in a character defect personality defect way. A way that psychiatry cannot fix.

Please look at the whole picture. He gave you the ring to throw you off the track of what's really going on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it were stolen or cubic zirconia or something. He's monitoring contact with his wife because he doesn't want you to talk to her. It would upset the set of lies he has her believing.

I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear this and it sounds extreme. But your guy is a classic. Return the ring, cut off all contact, and nurse your broken heart by researching this type of person. Please don't blame yourself for getting caught up in his insanity; that's how it is with people with personality disorders. Most people like them, they are very likeable.

If you continue with him, he will suck all the life out of you (and probably end up draining your bank account).

Sorry to sound alarmist, but you have a big, big problem here. Don't make excuses for him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with Forms here.

He lied about a deceased child and you forgave him? You need some individual counseling as well- in love or not in love. That is the lowest of the low of all of the lies I've heard.