Dating older man....what's he really trying to say?
I need help very badly. I was online searching for advice and just found this site...
I work at a College and had the greatest boss there every was. His name is Mike and he is 45 years old - divorced for 3 years with a 13 year old daughter and a 11 year old son. I changed departments in January and ever since then we have been having an affair. Very secretly so that no one at work will find out. Mike is so into his kids that he keeps this a secret from them right now. He says he loves me and that I am a wonderful person, but that he feels guilty because he can't give me all the things he knows I need. He thinks he is too old to be able to make me happy in the long-term. I have had such a strong relationship with this man for 2 years - he is my best friend and now my lover. I have never known that life could be this great and that sex could be so amazing. I have never been happier and Mike says the same thing. My concerns are that his own guilt is going to end this - he can't stand the fact that he is "robbing" me of my young years and is worried that he won't be able to keep me happy. I know that we may never get to be married and have a family because of his situation - but what can I do to let him know that no matter how old I am - I love him and want to be with him? He never seems to believe me when i say I think he's gorgeous - he always says he's 'old'. help?
There may be more to it than him feeling he's robbing you of things. It may also have to do with him doubting that you two can be compatible in the long run. He just may not be sharing those feelings with you.
I went out with a girl that was ten years younger than I and I found that on many level we liked different things. Had different views of what we alot of things such as what we considered acceptable sexuality, behaviour, music etc, even though we did have fun together.
However as you get older you begin to wonder if the differences are too much and that they will impact you down the road. You start thinking of your own mortality and fear of wasting it on an another relationship that won't work and have more of your life will have past you by. This is even a strong feeling when you've already been married and divorced once already.
This is how I felt, and I don't think alof of older guys are too far off on this belief. but I could be wrong.
He's only saying all those things b/c he doesn't trust himself, He was tide down before and know he likes having his freedom, and lets not forget that bonus, he has you.
Someone young, inexperienced, and someone who likes him alot. Why would he want to change anything. I'm sorry to say, but why is it that when us men show alot of attention to you woman, you feel like you need your own space, but when we have hobbies, friends, carreers, or simply don't give you all that attention, you feel like you not being appreciated or we're cheating.
I say if you want a relationship that involves moving forward with your lifestyle, then you tell him exactly what your looking for, and then be ready to end thing if you can't except his answers.
A least you'll be starting the beginning of moving forward with your life, memories are made to last forever, it's relationship that come and go.
And like one said, what if he doesn't want more kids, and as your body changes and your clocks keep ticking, you might one day want to experience giving birth. They say 80% of woman want to experience giving birth. Really, think about that....
I only say this b/c the way I feel about my wife now, is totally different from when I first met her (10 years ago)
By the way, tell this guy he should feel blest being with someone as young as yourself...
(I'm thinking a ten year minimum difference) not guilt
You don't have to be married to be in love. Only married people really know this!!!
Enjoy the good times, and forget about the bad ones...
Last edited by nyckey; 29th April 2005 at 5:10 PM..
Oh my, a twenty year difference!!! Now he is damn lucky, to be with you, you know it too, but you act naive about that, are you that insecure or he must have a big one. (size really matters)
You have to first be secure with yourself, before you will be able to make the desicion you need to make.
Believe in yourself, even if you are wrong. We all learn from our mistakes or our wrong doings.
communicating with him is your best bet to get the answers you need. may be too little for me to tell, but it looks like you guys are pretty open to communication. why not just stick to that?
what i am saying is, this message board can be a double edged sword. you have to take everything with a grain of salt. you are going to get a lot of people who assume that they are psychiatrists diagnosing you and your mate when there may very well be nothing wrong with either of you.
i know that when you are starting out in a relationship, you question everything. so it is not very popular to take things for face value. but give it a try. let's try to assume for a second that what he is telling you is exactly the truth. what is wrong with that? the guy COULD actually be telling you the truth. maybe he is just insecure about his age, maybe he does feel guilty because he feels that he can't give you what you need. all of what he said are really valid issues that he has to deal with. you may be able to help him with those issues.
i'll tell you what is not going to help. a common mistake that i see women committing is to always assume that there is something behind everything their man says. men are not as complicated as people sometimes think. some are dishonest, but many of us just say exactly what is on our minds (sometimes at the inappropriate time and maybe a little too much after a drink or two).
i am not saying this because i feel that you are actually doing this, but i want to give you a warning before you dig yourself a hole. it is not going to help if you start off not believing what he tells you and always look for something behind his words. there is nothing more annoying and no more of a turn off than to an honest man than a woman who does not believe in what he says. yeah, many guys have been known to lie so it makes people wary. however, to someone who is honestly putting his feelings on the table to someone who he feels for and loves only to have it disected and run through mental forensics to find out what he is "really trying to say", can be a relationship breaker. especially to someone who is "older" or "mature". i am not saying that you have found and "honest" man. but i am saying give him a chance. unless he has a history of dishonest or holding back, do give him a reason to start...
so do you and him a yourself a favor and . keep communicating. take what he says for what he says it is until he gives you a damned good reason to think he is being dishonest with you. treat him how you want him to treat you back. listen and believe. because if you start out questioning his honesty with his feelings, he is almost sure to start questioning the things you say...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Dating older man....what's he really trying to say?
Linear Mode
