What to do if you have NO ATTRACTION toward your spouse?
Some of you have read bits and pieces of my story but I am feeling really stuck and frustrated. I feel NO attraction for my spouse. I am worried that I never will . I was in counseling for the first few years of my marriage ( married 10 years) and most recently our Marriage Counselor said it was time to stop and both see individual counselors ( I was there today). The truth is, I am tired of talking about everything. I just want to live life and either be alone( with my 4 children) or actually be able to feel a connection to the person I am married to . I don't know if it is that there is naturally not an attraction or the history doesn't allow there to be one. He turns me off. Has/Does anyone else feel this way and how are you coping. Was it ever so bad that you were able to turn it around? I am starting to feel desperate. I just don't know if I can change how I feel. It's been years of this... I have learned to live very independently. Therefore the rest of my life is very good.
I was 24, he didn't have protection, I said no, he promised he'd pull out , I didn't want to make him upset, he didn't pull out.... now she is 10. This was a shock to me because I had everything going for me but I was going to try and make it work.
I only knew him at the time for 5 weeks. There has been so much over the last 10 years. We have 4 beautiful children. It isn't as easy as it might seem to walk away.
He has tried all the romantic things, even bought me diamonds and swept me off to an island. I was sad while I was there because I am just not feeling like that for him and I don't want to "pretend" that I do.
I see how the first daughter happened, I guess, but how did the other three happen? My guess is that you haven't always been unattracted to him, or else you wouldn't have slept with him to begin with, and you wouldn't have four kids, as I really doubt that most people get pregnant after one sexual encounter.
No matter what a guy gave me, I wouldn't have sex with him unless I was attracted to him. So, following my logic, there had to have been something there. Are you sure you two just haven't become too comfortable?
I once heard something interesting, and I believe it to be true. When we say we're bored with our significant others, we're really bored with ourselves. Just keep that in mind. It may be the case.
Originally posted by TUDOR
Can say what it is that makes him unattractive to you? Is purely looks or is it is personality, behavior, etc that turns you off?
Yes it happened the first time. I then made the commitment to get married and have a family. I was trying to be the perfect wife. Yes we had sex but I have to say that it wasn't the most intimate. A lot of the time we never even kissed. We wanted to have a family.
During this time I was dealing with a spouse who was suffering from depression and anger. I was holding the fort together and working too. I have figured out how to rise above everything else and be a great mother. I tried to be a good wife.
My husband was a resident when I met him, then he did his fellowship, and then he taught Academics, and then went into private practice. I truly hoped that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel for him and us as a couple.
As we moved into all the status things he still didn't change. He has a great job with more time off then probably anywhere else and still... the depression wouldn't let go.
I begged for him to get help... went to my family, his family, therapy and he still didn't want to recognize it. I just reached my end point and didn't care if I lived in a cardboard box. It wasn't until then that he decided to make this huge change. I am happy for that but I have 10 years of some very hurtful experiences that cloud my feelings. I still see the "old" him coming through frequently.
It is a mixture of things that turn me off. One is the memories... and the other is the physical. Which I don't want to go into but it is a mixture of things.
I really wanted to make it all work. I just wondered if anyone else has ever felt this way and found a way to make it work. When my husband reaches out to hug me I pull away. Has anyone ever been able to finally hug back and be happy that they did and it feel right?
It's entirely possible that your resentment regarding your husband is blocking any loving feelings that you might have had for him. Without the emotional components, sex can be a chore. Even worse....it can even be revolting. I speak from experience there.
The sexual feelings can come back. Once the resentment is put to rest, the tender emotions will often reengage. However, you state that you NEVER had sexual attraction for your husband, so I'm at a loss as to what to tell you. How can a feeling come back that never existed?
If you were a man, I'd tell you that you're wasting the good years of your wife's life. Because EVERYONE deserves to feel truly loved and supported in their committed relationship.
And so, the fact that you are a woman will not stop me from pointing that out to you today. Your man deserves a woman in his life who is NOT wasting his time. He deserves to feel the love and support of his mate.
If you can never find a way to do that, perhaps you should consider setting him free to find someone who will value him in such a way.
He has made terrible mistakes during the course of your marriage. But you can either forgive him, and continue on.....or hold onto your resentment, and make your lives together a misery.
He may not deserve your forgiveness. He may not have earned it. And if not, you are still free to choose Mercy. It is because it has not been earned that 'forgiveness' becomes a 'mercy'.
And also consider this, even if you eventually decide to cut him loose, you'll still need to forgive him at some point. Walking around filled up with resentment will make you bitter after a time. You will have to defeat this feeling one way or another in order to find your own happiness.
I am trying to work through it. I have chosen to stay since asking him for the divorce a year ago. People who "know" me know that I am not a quitter and that everything I start I see it through. Thus, the very reason I have hung in there all these years.
I chose to commit to the relationship even though there was not that "chemistry" because the experience I had before my husband was that there might be chemistry with someone but everything else was missing. He definitely has good qualities but many that need to be worked on. ( As many of us do.)
I have not "run" away and I am not trying to "hold-out" to punish him. It is like a reflex... he comes near and I pull away.
We have a lot of work to do.... we have four beautiful children. My only concern is that it won't get better and I really want to know how it worked for other people who may have had similar problems. My husband isn't bad in bed... it just didn't feel like we were connected as a couple ( purely a chemistry thing). I was loving and gave of myself but he depleted me. After a while I felt like an object ( disengaged from our lives but could still want sex at 2am... felt like he was a stranger to me. )
LJ, you mention that you could relate to being repulsed... how long did it take for you to turn it around?
The physical stuff is not as big an issue but it is an obstacle as well. I have had 4 children and have kept myself physically fit. He is only overweight by 20lbs or so but totally out of shape. I have tried to encourage him and when I asked for the divorce he started running and lost 20 lbs and mentally "felt" better. As soon as it seemed like I was here to stay he started going back to fast food and hasn't run or exercised for 6 months. Which also makes me fear that everything else will go back to the same too.
Because we have children together we will always be in each others lives regardless. I have been more than kind to him and have supported him through EVERYTHING in his life, including the past year. I want him to have someone to love him the way anyone wants to be loved... I can be "present" through all the actions of our life together "the perfect wife" and I could even put on a good show in bed if I wanted to pretend that part but I am just not willing to do that anymore. If I am going to be intimate again I want it to be "real" for both of us. HOW do you get to that part. Maybe no one knows the answer. I am willing to give it time... I just don't want it to be years of waiting.
GEE I fall in and out of love with my man all the time. I will get so annoyed at him, and consider my options, and think about leaving.
But then I decide to give it Oooooone more shot.
All you have to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself!!! Um...if you hadn't made that "mistake" 10 years ago, you wouldn't have your kids! You might not even HAVE KIDS!!!
You are so busy drowning yourself in what could've been, and what you "wanted out of life that was taken away because he didn't pull out" that you aren't even seeing all the things that you got in the process.
Why don't you look at him as the father of your children, and the man that gave you everything he had to give, and the man that loves you and wants you, INSTEAD of looking at him as the man you didn't really want that got you pregnant that you're STUCK with.
If you stop looking at what you THINK you could've had, and start thinking about what you DO have, then I think you have a fair chance of falling in love with him...
If I were him, I'd be depressed too...who wants to be stuck with some woman who never wanted me...who felt TRAPPED with me...who is sooooo disappointed in me because I'm not what she pictured herself with...a woman who REGRETS getting pregnant with our child, because she was then stuck with me...
I mean COME ON! If you look at this with your EYES OPEN, you were probably the reason for his depression in the first place! If you'd just accept him and love him for who he IS, and stop trying to change him, or feeling pity all over yourself because of one mistake you think you made 10 years ago, then you would probably love him, and you would probably have a healthy marriage!
Does he beat you? Does he cheat on you? Does he deny you sex?
It sounds like you found a gem, but you're too stuck up to appreciate it!
Does he beat you? Does he cheat on you? Does he deny you sex?
It sounds like you found a gem, but you're too stuck up to appreciate it!
yeah, have you seen the new Bridget Jones movie. She broke up with her bf for like not paying enough attention to her. Then she meets all this women in Thai prison and they complain about their husbands who beat them, forced them to take drugs and forced them into prostitution.
I think you need to think about all the good things about your husband. If you have to: make a list and repeat the reasons to yourself:
-He's loyal to me
-He's a great providor
-He comes home every night.
-He loves me....
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. I was in counseling for the first few years of my marriage ( married 10 years) and most recently our Marriage Counselor said it was time to stop and both see individual counselors ( I was there today). The truth is, I am tired of talking about everything. I just want to live life and either be alone( with my 4 children) or actually be able to feel a connection to the person I am married to 
. I don't know if it is that there is naturally not an attraction or the history doesn't allow there to be one. He turns me off. 
Has/Does anyone else feel this way and how are you coping. Was it ever so bad that you were able to turn it around? I am starting to feel desperate. I just don't know if I can change how I feel. It's been years of this... I have learned to live very independently. Therefore the rest of my life is very good. 
Your man deserves a woman in his life who is NOT wasting his time. He deserves to feel the love and support of his mate. 
My only concern is that it won't get better and I really want to know how it worked for other people who may have had similar problems. My husband isn't bad in bed... it just didn't feel like we were connected as a couple ( purely a chemistry thing). I was loving and gave of myself but he depleted me. After a while I felt like an object ( disengaged from our lives but could still want sex at 2am... felt like he was a stranger to me. 
Linear Mode
