Alright, so I love my man. We've been through alot together, and for the most part he's a very stand up individual.
However, he has not had a good relationship with money in the past. I thought it had been cleared up, but it's rearing its ugly head. I am not sure what to do.
Here's the deal- so he gets this second job so that we can make ends meet, and also so that we could save to move. Well, right before the move he quits his second job, because his primary job is offering over time. He ends up not working too much over time because of random obligations, then spends the money he did make on beer and other things.
Now, we've moved out and the rent is higher in the new place. Once again, he is short. My dad gave me some birthday money, and my fiance was like, "If you let me borrow this, I'll pay you back."
Do you think I should let him have my birthday money for his rent obligation? (the reason I don't pay for rent is that I pay for most of the utilities, plus the car and insurance payment, so I literally can't afford it)
Also, would this be a deal breaker for any of you? Have you been in similar situations?
yeah, it's just hard having to go back and double check on everything yourself. Sometimes, I feel more like a mom then I do a fiancee. But, as Carolyn in "American Beauty," says (and to paraphrase) the hardest lesson I've learned is that you can only really depend on yourself. And the sooner you learn that, the better.
Of course, her character skews the message somewhat, but I do feel like that.
Anyway, thanks for your advice. It does ring true.
No, you should not lend your money to him. He makes enough money to pay his share (the rent), so he has to use his money in a way, that allows him to pay his share. You could blow all your money at the hair-dresser and pedicure, but you don't do that, as you are using the little money you earn in a sensible fashion, judging by your words.
The financial deal you have with your fiance seems to be even. If not, he might have to rearrange it with you.
The problem with borrowing to your fiance is, that it is exactly that. When you do marry him, he will not suddenly have the ability to manage his money in a decent fashion. Better learn it sooner than later.
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Originally posted by Firesqueak
yeah, it's just hard having to go back and double check on everything yourself. Sometimes, I feel more like a mom then I do a fiancee.
well with a bad financial history, and a Future with him...i would make his finances YOUR business, especially if you plan on getting anything together, a house, car, any type of loans.... if you do not train him to handle it well, it may bite your Arss.
if you do not train him to handle it well, it may bite your Arss
LOL! Yes...train him...LOL! Yeah, I guess I'll just start doing a budget for both of us.
d'Arthez, I actually feel more towards YOUR way. HOnestly, I don't make that much money, either, and I have to be very careful, as my car insurance alone is over 300 per month.
To be fair, we had to pay this month's rent for our old apartment, plus we had to put a downpayment on our new place, then also we had to pay our land lord for this week's utilities, and this last week of April.
He says that the bank made a mistake, which is plausible, but strikes me as odd.
What I really hate is that our land lord is going to think badly of us. Maybe I should just handle the financial matters, now.
If there are circumstances which explain why it would be hard for your fiance to pay his share (twice paying for rent), things look a bit differently. But he would have known, as you moved out that expenses would be higher for this month. So unless the combined rents are nearly as high as his income from the two jobs combined, he has no reasonable excuse to explain his inability to pay the rent(s).
He really should learn that a dollar can be spent only once, the sad thing is of course that is affecting you. Maybe you can work out a compromise on this; so as that you let him borrow your money, and he is really going to address these money issues.
LOL! Yes...train him...LOL! Yeah, I guess I'll just start doing a budget for both of us.
d'Arthez, I actually feel more towards YOUR way. HOnestly, I don't make that much money, either, and I have to be very careful, as my car insurance alone is over 300 per month.
To be fair, we had to pay this month's rent for our old apartment, plus we had to put a downpayment on our new place, then also we had to pay our land lord for this week's utilities, and this last week of April.
He says that the bank made a mistake, which is plausible, but strikes me as odd.
What I really hate is that our land lord is going to think badly of us. Maybe I should just handle the financial matters, now.
are you getting any security deposit back from the other place?
well, no. We're moving out a month early due to some bad neighbors. The land lord promised us that it was a very quiet neighborhood, which it is...but our apartment's walls are so thin that you can hear full conversations in the surrounding apartments, let alone when someone has a party
I tend to agree with d'Arthez and the others. He should have all of his ducks in a row if he is really planning on getting married and having even MORE responsibilities.
I would make him sign a promissory note. I would NOT give him the money in cash. But of course, he is your fiance. *sigh* And I would remember an old saying that goes something like, "If you loan money to family, don't expect it to be paid back. Consider it a gift."
Frankly, I'd tell him that you have spent it already . . . on . . . beer . . . LOL Now, wouldn't it be just a lil fun to watch him squirm? ? ? ?
Look at it from your dad's viewpoint, too. He worked for his money and gave it to YOU. So, what will you tell him when he asks what you bought yourself with it?
I think spending needed money on beer is a red flag, but that is my personal opinion . . .
This is a HUGE red flag for me. Perhaps it is because my parents seem to spend $1 for every dime they have - so perhaps I go overboard.
This would be one of those things I could not live with, but that is me. I couldn't take on an irresponsible husband, on top of irresponsible parents - I can only help out so many people.
I would seriously rethink this whole situation. I would start with putting together a budget for him to live on. If he can do it, fine, if not - RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Hey - look, your suppose to marry this guy and he is already being a mooch?? that's so silly....
I don't believe the "bank messed up" riot -
I don't believe he is ever going to be financially stable (his past already proves this)
And last .. NO NO NO you should not let him borrow your money, you need your money, your holding up your end, now let him squirm and realize what a dollar is worth to him ...
I did lend him the money, so now he's going to pay for my car payment.
LOL, yeah, I still want to marry him. Money IS important, but (and incase you didn't know) he's 3 years younger then I am, and I'm 24. So, being out on his own is sort of new for him. He's much better then he used to be about it, that's for sure!
For the most part, he is pretty careful, he has just made some silly mistakes with his money in the past. Plus, in April, I forgot that he put down like 300 for our new bedroom suit, which explains him being a bit short on cash (plus he paid rent, utilities, and put the deposit down on the new place).
Turns out the bank did make a mistake. I didn't believe it, either, until he showed me the statement. BUUT, that's on him to take care of. For some reaason, they have it that there were almost 100 withdrawls on this certain day, but he was at work the whole time. The really odd thing is that the withdrawls were only like 1.00 a piece...not sure what that's about.
He's working hard (12 hours a day) plus he's working on Saturday to make up the money that I loaned him. However, I am taking control of his finances, and he's cool with that.
It's rough being young and getting out on your own, but we'll make it. Thanks for the good advice, guys.
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