About 45 days ago, I learned my wife of 20 years has been involved in an affair going back about 1 and 1/2 years. We have two kids, a daughter 18 and a son 15. I have decided not to confront her yet, and instead just let some time pass, so i can calm down emotionally. I am not sure what will happen once i confront her with the information i have. I discovered this news when she inadvertantly left her email account on. I was doing some maintenance onthe system and discovered the email thread between her and the OM. A half years woth of email was amazingly not deleted. I printed it all off.
I have been trying to act like nothing is wrong while i try and gather more info and see what time does to my reaction and thoughts about the future.
Since finding the email, i have found other letters, journals etc describing the affair and the relationship.
It seems that the other man is also in a relationship (married I think..or at least living with someone)
I feel like this is a casual affair, and my goal would be to keep my marriage intact once we beginto discuss this inthe next few weeks.
First off, I am sorry for your situation. I can't imagine how terrible it must feel.
Secondly, as much as you want to be calm, she is going to suspect you know something when you don't act like your normal self. So my suggestion is to take a day or so to gather your thoughts, decide what you want to do and then confront her. Be prepared for a very messy, emotional situation. If you're a Christian, I would suggest getting guidance from God. He will never steer you wrong. Speak to a Pastor if you can.
Lastly, do you think she left her email open on purpose? I get the feeling she did.
Sometimes I think I may not confront her at all!!! As radical as that sounds, I can almost accept that having an affair when your 50, after 20 years of marriage, may be understandable and in a strange way help a marriage survive. I don't know if I truly could go thru with that.....If I did I may try having an affair myself and avoid all the messy,emotional, heart wrenching arguments, counseling, etc etc stuff and just admit that long term marriage is so difficult that a dont ask dont tell policy towards affairs may have some merit Sounds totally crazed I know. Don't really thinkI could pull that off given how angry i feel, but it is a thouhgt. Doesn't pull in kids, friends and family and countless hours of counseling.....maybe ther eis a path back to love and intimacy this way?? Have to think about that
I think your attitude is a huge mistake. First, your wife has spent over a year and a half having an affair with this man. It is not casual. I am sure she is emotionally and physically connected to this man. Second, she is putting your physical health at risk for STD's. Third, she is making a mockery of your marriage and anniversairies. Going into denial and pretending it will go away down the road is a major mistake.
I would strongly suggest that you sit down and show her all of the emails and discuss recovery in the marriage with marriage counseling. Do you wish to fix your marriage or not. It will be painful but you need to have radical honesty to deal with the problems of your marriage. Clearly she feels comfortable going outside your marriage to have her emotional and physical needs met. If the relationship ends that it will be a matter of time until she connects with someone else. You need to stand up and fight for your marriage (if this is what you want). Allowing your wife to continue to disrespect, humiliate and betray you by having sex with another man while your close your eyes to it is a very destructive approach that will guarantee a destruction of your marriage and your own personal self-esteem. Clearly your wife does not respect you. It is very sad that apparently you do not respect yourself either. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.
You are wise in giving yourself some time to get control of your emotions before you confront your W about her affair. Losing your wits and blasting her will only push her further away from you and more towards the OM [other man]. You cannot change her but you can change yourself and , if she's not too far gone, it just may be enough to save/rebuild your marriage.
TMCM
__________________ "If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th April 2005 at 4:26 PM..
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Firewalk, do you have an EAP available to you through your employer? If so, make an appointment and go and talk to a counselor ASAP. Do this for you--so that you can find some guidance and support and help you to make decisions that are right for you. Then you can approach your wife.
You have some time to adjust to knowing -- when you talk to her she will need some time to adjust to knowing that you know. She may respond in a very defensive manner and blame you. Tell her that you want to give her some time to think about what she wants to say to you, and how to answer your questions and to think about what path she would like for the marriage and then talk to her again in a few days when you both have had time to think about what you want to say and can be rational about your plans and goals.
I'm sorry that this is happening in your marriage, and I wish you well.
Thanks for all your thoughts and help....this is the first I am discussing this with anyone..I have been solo with this great news since discovering it....my mind has been racing from one extreme to another
I think seeking out a pro to discuss this with is great advice...will find someone today...time to openly talk and come up with a plan
It is just so out of what i thought was her character....must be some real unmet needs here I imagine...
Do you think its possible to keep this between my wife and I and a therapist?? Must the kids, friends and family be dragged into watch nad react etc..i dread that..so humiliating!!!
I now know who the OM is. We have never met but I know who he is.
was considering the possibility of contacting his significant other after my wife and I start to process this...my thought was that if he has been involved in the pain this has brought to me....it might be only fair that I expose him to his wife/live in (not sure which)....so they can deal withthe issues as well
Or would this enflame the situation
hard to know what is the right way to go here......
Feel like I am in the twiight zone
Again, thanks to all for your thoughts and posts
[b]
Do you think its possible to keep this between my wife and I and a therapist?? Must the kids, friends and family be dragged into watch nad react etc..i dread that..so humiliating!!!
Yes it's possible.
Quote:
was considering the possibility of contacting his significant other after my wife and I start to process this...my thought was that if he has been involved in the pain this has brought to me....it might be only fair that I expose him to his wife/live in (not sure which)....so they can deal withthe issues as well
Don't do it. Wrong motivation. You still haven't answered my question, is the affair still going on?
This is noone's buisness and it can and should stay private between you and your wife...And ofcourse the marriage councillor. I think you talking to a therapist one on one is a good thing too, as it will help you deal with the emotions and pain you're feeling now.
Don't allow her continue this affair and just act like nothing is happening. Until you're ready, it's OK, but it would be wrong to pretend is fine and dandy when it's not.
Quote:
It is just so out of what i thought was her character....must be some real unmet needs here I imagine...
I think so. You haven't done anything wrong - Her affair is her choice, noone has held a gun to her head and said CHEAT! Her bad choice. If something is missing from the marriage and her needs weren't being met she should have come to you to talk. I don't know what your marriage is like, and the dynamtic so I won't comment there. Who knows why she is doing what she is doing. But she's doing it.
My suggestion would be (when you feel ready) to get the kids out of the house for the weekend, whether it be a sleepover at friends or a family member, but you two need to be completely alone when you have that conversation.
I take it you want to stay in the marriage and work things out? If so, tell her that right away. But she has to end it ASAP with this OM. IF OM is smart he'd come clean with his wife too.
Hope things work out, this place is pretty supportive and lots of people will help you through this.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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